PIF: Week Three Results

Hello again football fans,

Ah, here's my old friend. This fellow to my left has been watching over Politically Incorrect Football since 2005. Many ignorant rednecks who do not know any better might think this guy is an Arab Muslim, but in fact he is a Sikh of Indian descent. It's possible that by the time I die, there could be two BILLION Indians on earth. My goal is to recruit all of them to become Redskins fans, and this good man ought to be their role model.

I recovered a little bit this week, but ugh, what a tough week to watch. Fortunately, several friends were made at the sports pub this week, and commiseration ensued. Lots of commiseration. Here's how it went:

Prediction: GIANTS 35, TITANS 24

Result: TITANS 29, GIANTS 10

This was just a bad pick. I swear, I'm losing my touch in my old age. I apologize, football fans.

Prediction: BENGALS 20, PANTHERS 10

Result: BENGALS 20, PANTHERS 7

Nailed it. Jimmy Clausen, however, did not nail his debut.

Prediction: STEELERS 26, BUCCANEERS 3

Result: STEELERS 38, BUCCANEERS 13

Pittsburgh continues to scrape the bottom of the barrel for quarterbacks who can give the people of Pittsburgh something to cheer about from the bottom of their black lungs. The Buccaneers are as exposed like so many University of South Florida women paying their way through grad school.

Prediction: PATRIOTS 47, BILLS 10 ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

Result: PATRIOTS 38, BILLS 30

I watched this game with a Patriots fan. So he knew who Danny Woodhead was. He pointed him out to me. Danny Woodhead is from North Platte, NE. He is splitting time at running back for the Patriots. And he is white as the south side of a Russian's tan line. A white running back. Who starts. At running back. Named Woodhead.

Prediction: BROWNS 13, RAVENS 10

Result: RAVENS 24, BROWNS 17

I'm giving myself a tie for this one. I knew the Browns were going to lose. But what was heartwarming about this game was Browns RB Peyton Hillis, who ran for 144 and a TD. White guy. Not making that up. He is a white running back. Not a fullback, a running back. Ironically playing for the Browns.

Prediction: CHIEFS 21, 49ERS 17

Result: CHIEFS, 49ERS 10

The Chiefs are one of two undefeated teams left in the AFC. If you saw that coming you A) have a last name that rhymes with "schmostradamus", B) own a modified DeLorean, or C) are a homer from Kansas City. If you predicted them to beat the 49ers, you're almost as awesome as I am. And by awesome I mean lonely.

Prediction: TEXANS 42, COWBOYS 21

Result: COWBOYS 27, TEXANS 13

Screw it, I really don't feel like talking about Texas right now.

Prediction: LIONS 22, VIKINGS 18 ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***

Result: VIKINGS 24, LIONS 10

Tuning in to watch the Lions win a game is harder than trying to find a job with a successful start-up business in Detroit. 

Prediction: SAINTS 24, FALCONS 20 ***GAME OF THE WEEK***

Result: FALCONS 27, SAINTS 24 (OT)

Around halftime, some douchebag bandwagon Saints fan barges into the pub and complains that the Saints game isn't on any of the TVs. And of course, he kept screaming "WHO DAT" every time Drew Brees completed a one yard pass. Now, my dear fans, I rarely root against the Saints. And I never root for the Falcons. But this guy changed all that. Needless to say, when the Saints blocked the FG in overtime, we were chanting "Who dat call a time out to ice the kicker?"

Prediction: REDSKINS 31, RAMS 13

Result: RAMS 30, REDSKINS 16

Of the Rams' whopping seven wins in the last 3+ seasons, two of them are against the Redskins. That is your-mother-is-Courtney-Love embarrassing.

Prediction: EAGLES 23, JAGUARS 14

Result: EAGLES 28, JAGUARS 3

Was ANYONE at this game? Anyone? I've got a challenge for you. If you were at this game and you can prove it, I'll give you my car. Seriously.I'm not worried though, because NOBODY was at this game. And I don't actually own a car, but that's beside the point.

Prediction: COLTS 28, BRONCOS 7

Result: COLTS 27, BRONCOS 13

Nothing surprising here. Peyton Manning, three touchdowns. Move along.

Prediction: CARDINALS 20, RAIDERS 15 ***WEEK THREE MISERA-BOWL***

Result: CARDINALS 24, RAIDERS 23

If you watched this game, you'll never get those three hours of your life back. But chances are you live in Phoenix or Oakland, in which case the faster you can make the time fly byu towards sweet, sweet death, the better I suppose.

Prediction: CHARGERS 23, SEAHAWKS 14

Result: SEAHAWKS 27, CHARGERS 20

Pete Carroll is bringing a bit of life to the Pacific Northwest. Seahawks fans are coming out of the woodwork. And there's a lot of woods up there. I heard Sasquatch now owns a Lofa Tatupu jersey. But then I heard that Lofa Tatupu IS Sasquatch.

Prediction: DOLPHINS 19, JETS 17

Result: JETS 31, DOLPHINS 23

Jimmy and Joe flew from New York City down here to Miami to see the game. While at the bar, they bought several rounds of drinks for the two Patriots fans there with us. Their good karma was rewarded with an excellent game and a Jets win. If I teach you one thing, my dear football fans, it's that football fan karma does exist, and it's why the Philadelphia Eagles haven't won the Super Bowl.

Prediction: PACKERS 38, BEARS 35

Result: BEARS 20, PACKERS 17Another white guy at running back. And folks, when I decided to bring back Politically Incorrect Football this season, I promised myself I'd tone down the racial jokes. But come on... a white running back named Kuhn? Well, that joke writes itself.

Rookie of the Week: (tie) Patriots TE duo Aaron Hernandez and Rob Gronkowski are turning into Tom Brady's favorite targets.

Surprise Player of the Week: Three, count them, three white tailbacks are either starting or splitting time: Browns' Peyton Hillis, Patriots' Danny Woodhead, and Packers' John Kuhn.

Tough Guy of the Week: Titans LB Stephen Tulloch racked up 13 tackles in the win over the Giants

Terrell Owens Memorial Asshole of the Week: The jackasses at the pub who stole some of Chrisco's beer and then tried to eat my chicken wings. Come on, man, really?

Bust of the Week: Saints kicker Garret Hartley blows another short kick. His days are numbered.

Celebration of the Week: Saints Fan Guy who thought the Saints blocked an overtime field goal only to find that their coach had called a time out to ice the kicker.

Special Teams Player of the Week: Leon Washington of the Seahawks ran back two kickoffs for touchdowns that made the difference in their win over San Diego

Defensive of the Week: Chiefs' LB Tamba Hali had three sacks and two tackles for losses to help the Chiefs become one of only three undefeated teams left in the league.

Offensive of the Week: Colts WR Austin Collie caught 12 passes for 171 yards and two touchdowns

Stick a Fork In: the San Francisco 49ers 

This Week: 7-8-1

Last Week: 6-10

Season: 24-23-1

And on a somber note, all time NFL Great George Blanda, who played for four teams across four decades, 1949-1976, passed away Monday. Even Brett Favre won't reach pro-football longevity like that. He played with several men who weren't even born his rookie season, and he will be missed. He was 83. 

Next week is a big week with some serious rivalries, so make sure you check back Friday for the goods. Until then, have a good week, and happy football.

Your source for crappy football picks,

Davemurphy

PIF: NFL Week Three Predictions

Dear Football Aficionados,

What say you, football fans? Good season so far? If you answered yes, you're obviously not a Minnesota Vikings fan or Kevin Kolb. But I'd be inclined to agree with you. Something magical happens in the fall. And this being the first week of 2010 NFL football to be played in the fall, I think it will be a magical week. A magical week of football. When sayings like this come out of my mouth, I stop and ask myself why I am still single. Whatever, my week has been shitty enough, let's just get to the predictions. As always, make sure you do not use these picks as the basis for any actual wager involving cash money:

TITANS (1-1) at GIANTS (1-1)

Nashville may be the Paris of the South, but New York is the New York of the world. Unfortunately, Eli Manning isn't the Manning of the Mannings.

Prediction: GIANTS 35, TITANS 24

BENGALS (1-1) at PANTHERS (0-2)

The Cincinnati Bengals saw their quarterback get coddled against the Ravens last week. But the Panthers' QB is still waiting to get signed by the Panthers. Because they don't have a QB right now. Jimmy Clausen doesn't count.

Prediction: BENGALS 20, PANTHERS 10

STEELERS (2-0) at BUCCANEERS (2-0)

The Big-Benless Steelers against the Succaneers? And they're both undefeated? That means at the end of the day, one of them will STILL be undefeated. Next thing you'll tell me is that you know a girl from Tampa who is NOT a stripper!

Prediction: STEELERS 26, BUCCANEERS 3

BILLS (0-2) at PATRIOTS (1-1) ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

I'd love to think that last week's embarrassment at the hand of the Jets would send the Patriots into a downward spiral, but unfortunately said spiral is currently being blocked by the Buffalo Bills. Apparently this is the only thing they know how to block.

Prediction: PATRIOTS 47, BILLS 10

BROWNS (0-2) at RAVENS (1-1)

I don't care how unlikely it is, I will never pick the Ravens to beat the Browns out of solidarity with the hard working (by that I mean unemployed) people of Cleveland. Baltimore will win this game, but that's not how I'm predicting it, because I pick with my heart, not my head. Probably another reason why I'm still single.

Prediction: BROWNS 13, RAVENS 10

49ERS (0-2) at CHIEFS (2-0)

A lot of people thing SanFran's losing streak and KC's winning streak need to end at 2. I am not one of those people. 

Prediction: CHIEFS 21, 49ERS 17

COWBOYS (0-2) at TEXANS (2-0)

Ibid.

Prediction: TEXANS 42, COWBOYS 21

LIONS (0-2) at VIKINGS (0-2) ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***

The Lions have been close in both of their first two games so far. Luck just hasn't been on their side. Fortunately for them, age is no longer on Brett Favre's side.

Prediction: LIONS 22, VIKINGS 18

FALCONS (1-1) at SAINTS (2-0) ***GAME OF THE WEEK***

Man, remember when these two teams were as irrelevant as the public school systems in their respective cities? It's good they have their priorities straight in the South.

Prediction: SAINTS 24, FALCONS 20

REDSKINS (1-1) at RAMS (0-2)

Apart from #1 pick Sam Bradford at QB and veteran RB Steven Jackson, I have never heard of anyone on the offense of the Saint Louis Rams. I'm pretty sure they outsourced the offensive line to the WWE, and that some college exchange students are playing wide receiver. When your team's two losses are to the Cardinals and Raiders, you know you're in trouble.

Prediction: REDSKINS 31, RAMS 13

EAGLES (1-1) at JAGUARS (1-1)

An estimated 609 people are expected to show up to see this game. The other 34 people in Jacksonville are in Los Angeles seeing if they want to follow their football team out there when they move.

Prediction: EAGLES 23, JAGUARS 14

COLTS (1-1) at BRONCOS (1-1)

Horsies lol

Prediction: COLTS 28, BRONCOS 7

RAIDERS (1-1) at CARDINALS (1-1) ***WEEK THREE MISERA-BOWL***

These teams have a combined 0 wins against teams that aren't the Saint Louis Rams. And what could possibly be a more miserable setting for a Misera-Bowl than Phoenix? If the Sinaloa Cartel doesn't kidnap you, you can get completely sunburnt watching your team crank out another really ugly victory.

Prediction: CARDINALS 20, RAIDERS 15

CHARGERS (1-1) at SEAHAWKS (1-1)

This West Coast battle of who's-for-real will end with one of these two teams making a statement. And this is a good week for San Diego, as other people have already been making statements on behalf of Southern Californians.

Prediction: CHARGERS 23, SEAHAWKS 14

JETS (1-1) at DOLPHINS (2-0)

The morning show I listen to here in Miami is corresponding with a Russian woman who they believe is setting them up for a scam. Instead of using their own pictures, however, they are posing as Jets coach Rex Ryan. If that doesn't make you root for the Dolphins, well, you're just not as much of a fan of insult humor as I am.

Prediction: DOLPHINS 19, JETS 17

PACKERS (2-0) at BEARS (2-0) ***MNF***

Bratwurst. Obesity. Unemployment. Cheap American Beer. Unbearably shitty weather. And Packers vs. Bears. Two of the oldest teams in the NFL, and they're both undefeated. The Lake Michigan Bowl is on Monday Night.

PACKERS 38, BEARS 35

Last Week: 6-10
Season: 17-15

Once again I'll be watching my football at Mike's in the Venetian, harassing Natalie, our fine barkeep. This week I will be reunited with Chrisco, aka Baby Junior, and we will be eating unhealthy food and arguing with other wayward fans miles from their home team. To all of you watching football in your home town this week, be kind to those out of towners that are taking up refuge in your local watering holes to watch their games. They too are kindly people with good souls. Unless they're Cowboys fans. Have a good football week, my friends.

Your Prognosticator,

Davemurphy

Nicknames Galore: Dallas Mavericks Edition

In response to our first Nicknames Galore post, Miami reader Tim emailed to say

Everyone makes Harold and Kumar jokes about Spoelstra, you should have gone that route. Your lead-up to Arroyo was great, but the nickname has to be something Pueto Rican. Shavlik Randolph's nickname should be cut. James Jones doesn't deserve Double Deuce, he's too plain for a Roadhouse reference. You should call him Vanilla until he adds something to his game. Butler, Beverly and Pittman are begging for some nickname related to their inevitable roles at the end of the bench and as clinger-ons to the big dogs at all the south beach clubs. I feel like some group name is necessary. Depending on how the season plays out calling Chris Bosh the Coattail King or Coattail Champion might be perfect if he rides Dwayne and Lebron to the title...

Now, we turn our love and ire toward the under-performing Dallas Mavericks of Mark Cuban. Countless folks (meaning at least two, but we're too lazy to do the research to figure out who) have said that the Mavs are built for the regular season and not for playoffs. That requires some odd intellectual parsing of what is required of a team playing different teams every night versus grinding it out over a best-of-seven series. Regardless, we're not debunking the Mavs right now. We're just giving them nicknames. Why? Because we can be catty like that.

Alexis Ajinca - What do you call the tall Frenchman who has everything? Weak in the post!

Jose Juan Barea - We want to satisfy our readers (Tim) the way good scotch satisfies all of us here at J.B. Sports Chat. Barea hails from Puerto Rico, so any Desi Arnaz references would be ignorant at best. Tito Puente was far too much of a virtuoso to have his name associated with Barea. Plus, Puente hails from Spanish Harlem. Barea doesn't even warrant a Charlie Palmieri reference - but again, Palmieri was a New Yorker. Instead, we dub Barea "El Colón" in honor of esteemed (in Puerto Rico) Santitos Colón but also because Barea seems to gather all the bad plays he sees while riding the pine and unleashing his impersonation of said plays during garbage time. In other words, El Colon works, too. Yeah, it's obscure, but unless you're a Mavs fan, are you going to recognize Barea if you sit next to him on a plane?



Rodrigue Beaubois - Mark Cuban apparently wants the Mavericks to rival the Raptors in terms of quantity of international players. Beaubois had some breakout moments and apparently has some sort of semi-inaudible form (at least to humans) of communication with Jason Kidd - much like dolphins. His eFG% for dunks? 100%. 85% of his dunks last season were assisted. Can you hear the click-chirp-ehh-ehh noise? For that, and his diminutive stature (ok, he's no Earl Boykins, but dude is only six feet tall), we dub him Le Petit Dauphin. Take that, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.

Speaking of dolphins...


Caron Butler - Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison accepted the goodwill bestowed upon the Wizards during Agent Zero's fall from health and grace. When Arenas returned, Butler became a black hole on offense, but he remained a class act, at least compared to Arenas, Andray Blatche, and DeShawn Stevenson. Maybe this is too easy, but we're going with Wadsworth, despite the Mountain Dew and plastic straws.

Tyson Chandler - Tyson Chandler has never played 82 regular season games. In fact, aside from his first two seasons in New Orleans, he hasn't proven all that spectacular. However, he did just win a gold medal at the FIBA World Championships. Nevertheless, this less than solid replacement for Erick Dampier and now Brendan Haywood receives a nickname. It's not out of love and it's not out of hate, but, after that bizarre non-trade to Oklahoma City, we're going with Big Toe over other possibilities including Number 2, My Left Foot, and Behind Kwame.

Brendan Haywood - The man says what he thinks. Sometimes, he backs it up with violence. Like Chandler, Haywood was drafted behind Kwame Brown. Sadly, Haywood actually had to play on the same team as Kwame where he witnessed firsthand what a horrible choice Michael Jordan made. Simply because Haywood fought his teammate and sometime-poet Etan Thomas (and we find that awesome in the bad decision department), he shall henceforth be known a Brendan Haymaker Haywood.

Dominique Jones - I've spent too much time in Tampa over the last year to handle this with any aplomb, so here's Jason's take: rookie, leading scorer Big East, 25th pick in the 2010 NBA draft by Memphis, traded for $3 million (pennies in the NBA). We have to call him John Odom the man who ACTUALLY got traded for 10 Prairie Sticks Maple Bats, double-dipped black, 34-inch, C243 style? And that is effed up.

Jason Kidd - Old Glory... because he protects old people from robots, obviously.

Ian Mahinmi - Dallas has more French players than anyone else. It's weird. Odder still is that two of them are centers. Even stranger is the fact that Mahinmi has a widely-known interest in cryptozoology, which is the study of nonexistent animals. However, given his penchant for finely made chapeaus, we refer to him during his 6.3 minutes per game as The Haberdasher.

Shawn Marion - It's kind of amazing how Marion's jumpshot is the equivalent of Keanu's acting. The Matrix was a cool nickname when Marion was putting up outlandish stats, but that was when The Matrix didn't seem completely tarnished by the rest of the trilogy. Unfortunately, the name no longer fits. He is now The Matrix Trilogy.

Steve Novak - this San Diego Chargers kicker saved Maryland against Georgia Tech a few years ago. Oh, sorry, Steve Novak? Give it up for White Lightning.



Dirk Nowitzki - here's Jason's take: Simon Gruber. Dirk is like the big bad guy in Die Hard: With a Vengeance. German, super cool, big, blond and imposing, seems to be unbeatable in the beginning, but somehow loses to the pesky John McClane (a.k.a. D-Wade). Can’t you just see D-Wade at the end of game 6 of the 2006 finals turning to Dirk and saying: "Yippie-Kai-Yay motherfucker?"

DeShawn Stevenson - Interrobang. That's this: ‽. Abe Lincoln tattoo. Backwards P tattoo. I think we're going to circle back to a full post on the ridiculousness that is DeShawn.



Jason Terry - WILDCAT.



Tim Thomas - Journey. Sing the Journey catalog to yourself. Its inconsistencies match up perfectly with the formerly-occasionally-clutch player's play.

Rick Carlisle - you know that scene in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan when Shatner yells "Khaaaaan!" after Ricardo Montalbán has activated the Genesis Device? I think Rick Carlisle feels the same way about Larry Brown. Call him Captain Kirk to impress your friends.

Where Amazing Happens in American History X

Free Darko can do a much better deconstruction of this than me. I'll just say that it's inappropriate and hilarious.

PIF: Week Two Results

Helmet throwing. Quarterback hating. Heart breaking. Week Two had it all and more. The flukes were separated from the not-so-flukes. And I put on at least three pounds thanks to the chicken wings at Mike's at the Venetia. I know no one reading this is in Florida, but I'm plugging it anyway. So I forgot my usual disclaimer, but I hope none of you used my picks as the basis for any actual cash wager. Here's how it all went down.

Prediction: PACKERS 31, BILLS 7

Result: PACKERS 34, BILLS 7

Wow, hit the nail right on the head with that one, didn't I? Trent Edwards is playing like someone hit a nail into his head.

Prediction: VIKINGS 20, DOLPHINS 13

Result: DOLPHINS 14, VIKINGS 10

I really shouldn't be picking against my adopted AFC team. Lesson learned.

Prediction: CHIEFS 42, BROWNS 20

Result: CHIEFS 16, BROWNS 14

Okay, so not the shootout I predicted. But a win is a win, and KC is 2-0

Prediction: BEARS 17, COWBOYS 16

Result: BEARS 27, COWBOYS 20

See? Bad karma. All that oil money and urban sprawl... you need to change your ways, Dallas!

Prediction: CARDINALS 23, FALCONS 17

Result: FALCONS 41, CARDINALS 7

Sigh. I picked the Cards to win the Super Bowl. This is why you don't bet on my picks.

Prediction: PANTHERS 30, BUCCANEERS 13

Result: BUCCANEERS 20, PANTHERS 7

I don't know if anyone noticed, but I snuck in and played a few snaps at QB for the Panthers.

Prediction: LIONS 23, EAGLES 14 ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***

Result: EAGLES 35, LIONS 32

I almost gave myself a tie for this one, but the truth is I underestimated how good people have it in prison these days.

Prediction: RAVENS 31, BENGALS 13

Result: BENGALS 15, RAVENS 10

Ray Lewis cries about quarterbacks who cry. Stay up, Ray.

Prediction: TITANS 21, STEELERS 17

Result: STEELERS 19, TITANS 11

The Steelers are 2-0 despite having -2 people on their depth chart at quarterback.

Prediction: SEAHAWKS 34, BRONCOS 0 ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

Result: BRONCOS 31, SEAHAWKS 14

Oh, come on! This was a sure thing! As sure as rain and crippling depression in Seattle!

Prediction: RAMS 26, RAIDERS 18 ***WEEK TWO MISERA-BOWL***

Result: RAIDERS 16, RAMS 14

If I had known the Raiders would have benched Jason Campbell, I would have seen this coming. 

Prediction: REDSKINS 24, TEXANS 20

Result: TEXANS 30, REDSKINS 27 (OT)

When the Skins were up 27-10 in the third quarter, I leaned over to another Skins fan at the bar and said "I could get used to this!" Good thing I didn't.

Prediction: JETS 27, PATRIOTS 21

Result: JETS 28, PATRIOTS 14

Tom Brady at one point threw 8 consecutive incomplete passes, a career record. Tom, cut your hair. You are the anti-Samson.

Prediction: CHARGERS 35, JAGUARS 17

Result: CHARGERS 38, JAGUARS 13

The Jags had six turnovers. That's one for every fan in Jacksonville who was watching the game.

Prediction: GIANTS 27, COLTS 24

Result: COLTS 38, GIANTS 14

Afterwards, Peyton gave Eli a wedgie and stole his Halloween candy.

Prediction: SAINTS 49, 49ERS 21

Result: SAINTS 25, 49ERS 22

Jerry Rice saw his jersey retired. And his team fall to 0-2.

Rookie of the Week: Jhavid Best kept the Lions in the fight with 78 yards rushing, 154 yards receiving, and three touchdowns

Surprise Player of the Week: In relief of an injured Michael Turner, Falcons RB Jason Snelling filled in nicely with 129 yards and two touchdowns.

Tough Guy of the Week: Packers LB Clay Matthews racked up three sacks for the second week in a row. He is on pace for 48 sacks this season.

Terrell Owens Memorial Asshole of the Week: The ref who thinks this is tripping a quarterback (50 seconds in).

Bust of the Week: Cardinals QB Derek Anderson looked ugly. Raiders fans ugly. Mike Ditka in his pajamas ugly. 7-41 ugly. Honorable mention to Raiders QB Jason Campbell, who was also benched.

Celebration of the Week: Packers QB Aaron Rodgers' white boy attempt at the Lambeau Leap

Special Teams Player of the Week: Texans' Bernard Pollard blocked a crucial late-game field goal during the Texans' improbable comeback. Pollard is also famous for knocking Tom Brady out for the entire 2008 season.

Defensive Player of the Week: Brandon Flowers ran back an interception for the decisive touchdown in the Chiefs' win over Cleveland.

Offensive Player of the Week: (tie) QB's Matt Schaub and Donovan McNabb combined for over 900 yards passing in the overtime shootout in Washington.

Stick a Fork In: The Cardinals, Raiders QB Jason Campbell, Wade Phillips, Eli's bragging rights, Jacksonville having a football team.

This week: 6-10

Last Week: 11-5

Season:  17-15

You're minding your own business and boom, the NFL season is one eighth over. Hang in there, my loyal fans. And don't fret, I'll bounce back from 6-10 the way Dan Snyder delusionally tells Redskins fans that their team will each year. Since I started Politically Incorrect Football in 2002, my worst week was 4-12. So this wasn't the worst, but it was close. See you later this week with the picks.

Nicknames Galore: Miami Heat Edition

When LeBron announced that he was taking his talents to South Beach, we dubbed him LePippen. Yeah, it's mean. It's meant to be belittling, not because we hate LeBron (we don't), but because his announcement was a (well-documented) public relations catastrophe and a slap in the face to the community that had worshiped him since his arrival in the League.

Anyhow, most bloggers and reporters (if there's actually much of a difference these days) began searching for nicknames for the Heat, such as Miami Thrice. Miami Thrice is a stupid nickname. Regardless, these folks are missing the point: it's more fun to give nicknames to players than to teams.

Joel Anthony - Joel Anthony is in the running to be the best Canadian player in the League once Steve Nash retires. Currently, he's sitting squarely in 3rd behind Sam Dalembert. We'll call him Joel Clearly the 3rd Best Canadian Player in the NBA Anthony.

Carlos Arroyo - I always like to sing songs from Evita to my Puerto Rican friends, adapted, of course, for Puerto Rico. For some reason, the complete absurdity offends them. In an effort not to offend an entire unincorporated territory of the United States, I'll point out that Arroyo is bad at math, if this is in fact his myspace page. Other than his perceived lack of math skills, he seems pretty chill. Jason has dubbed him Froyo (not to be confused with Frodo) because Arroyo is like the basketball player version of frozen yogurt: he looks the part, and is adequate, but doesn't really taste right. Perhaps Chris Paul would be the real deal?

Patrick Beverley - #. Like the Artist formerly known as Prince, Beverley's nickname is unpronounceable. He receives the number sign or pound sign. Why? Its meaning in this situation is unknowable much like his presence on the Heat's roster. Maybe he will catch Adam Morrison in number of rings earned without playing. Beverley's roster presence may become a trivia piece in years to come.

Chris Bosh - Third Option. I still think the Bulls would have been a better pick for LeBron and Wade. They wouldn't have needed Bosh. Alternatively, the Heat should have tried for Boozer rather than Bosh. Third Option is a boring nickname for a player who will be boring to watch compared to his teammates.

Da'Sean Butler - until we find a player with the initials CCR, we will continue to give players classic rock nicknames. Da'Sean Butler receives the (perhaps not) enviable moniker The Who.

Mario Chalmers - Chalmers has the benefit of having a catchy last name. This does not mean his name is now Mario "Chalmers" Chalmers. That would be silly and we don't do silly around these parts.

Kenny Hasbrouck - If you've ever seen DC native Hasbrouck play, it was probably during his college years taking the Siena Saints to the NCAA tournament. He's not going to get much burn backing up Wade, Miller, House, and possibly LeBron at the guard spot. It's great that he's a D-League guy who made the jump to the NBA, but there's not much to work with - other than his recent DWI arrest. We'll call him Kenny the Saint because we're hipsters* who like irony, contradiction, and juxtaposition.

Udonis Haslem - While he's not America's Most Blunted (ahem, Beasley), he's short for a center, being listed at 6'8" and weighs less than LeBron. Therefore, Jason dubs him Little Man.

Eddie House - Mini-Sheed. We'll get to watch Heat fans cringe as House puts up quick, low-percentage jumpers early in the shot clock.

Juwan Howard - Coach. Father Time has been in the league since Dexter Pittman, Patrick Beverley, and Da'Sean Butler were 6 years old.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas - Big Z arrives with his nickname intact - according to most media reports, he has not shrunk. If Miami were more European or more of a backwater, we'd call him Zed. But it's not. Given Miami's division rivals, we'll call him the Lithuanian Hammer. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Mr. Overpaid Backup Center in Orlando.

LeBron James - LePippen.


James Jones - The man complains his name is too plain. However, there is numerology afoot: his number is 22; he was drafted in the second round; he has alliteration featuring two Js in his name. Ergo, Double Deuce. If his field goal percentage tanks further this year, he'll get the Jarvis Hayes treatment and be dubbed Ames Ones.

Jamaal Magloire - Mr. Irrelevant is clearly the 4th best Canadian player in the league right now.

Mike Miller - Merr. Miller is pretty much a more athletic version of Steve Kerr.

Dexter Pittman - The Pits. If Pittman is in the game, the Heat are either up by 30 points or the injury bug has ravaged the platoon of bigs.

Shavlik Randolph - Century Man. This could be the season where Randolph plays his 100th NBA game. Emphasis on could.

Dwyane Wade - D-Wade is a sad nickname. The process of essentially reading the name as it appears in the box score is a lame method of naming. But we'll stick with it... for now.

Erik Spoelstra - with a brilliant set of white chompers and a reference to a classic baseball name that has all but disappeared, we're going to call him Whitey Spo.


* We're not actually hipsters, though occasionally, we try.

PIF: NFL Week Two Predictions

Hello Again, football fans! I don't know what it is about fall in the air that makes Politically Incorrect Football work so well. In the last 24 hours, I have been accused of being a raging sexist, and racist against Muslims (which, I have to point out, is a religion, not a race). I was also called a socialist hippie and a tree hugger in two separate incidents this week. But I have decided to get back to my roots and use my disparaging comments to talk about football.

BILLS (0-1) AT PACKERS (1-0)
This is game is pure Great Lakes: fat people in danger of losing their jobs.
PACKERS 31, BILLS 7

DOLPHINS (1-0) AT VIKINGS (0-1)
I like to picture Brett Favre's hair never having gone gray. Instead, I picture him going bald. Can't you just see him with a nasty comb-over?
VIKINGS 20, DOLPHINS 13

CHIEFS (1-0) AT BROWNS (0-1)
These are traditionally my two favorite AFC teams. But Kansas City appears to be on a roll, and the Browns just lost to a team that can't even beat themselves.
CHIEFS 42, BROWNS 20

BEARS (1-0) AT COWBOYS (0-1)
The Bears robbed the Lions of a win last week because of an unusual rule. The Cowboys lost to the Redskins on a very untimely penalty at the end of the game. Karma would dictate that this one would have to go to Dallas, except for the fact that Dallas is full of evil, soulless villians.
BEARS 17, COWBOYS 16

CARDINALS (1-0) AT FALCONS (0-1)
Birds! Lol.
CARDINALS 23, FALCONS 17

BUCCANEERS (1-0) AT PANTHERS (0-1)
Who the hell is the quarterback for these two teams? There are six quarterbacks between these two teams, and I think I've thrown more raging parties than they've thrown NFL passes. (It's funny because I'm not popular and I don't throw many parties)
PANTHERS 30, BUCCANEERS 13

EAGLES (0-1) AT LIONS (0-1) ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***
Michael Vick is starting at quarterback for the Eagles to showcase the skills he picked up in prison.
LIONS 23, EAGLES 14

RAVENS (1-0) AT BENGALS (0-1)
It's a good thing the Ravens are playing in Cincinnati. You never know when a building in Maryland is going to get taken hostage by a crazed gunman. In Cincinnati, all you have to worry about are two year olds smoking pot. Even toddlers are finding ways to deal with the Bengals losing ways.
RAVENS 31, BENGALS 13

STEELERS (1-0) AT TITANS (1-0)
Chris Johnson has a goal to gain 2,500 yards this season. What is he running from?
TITANS 21, STEELERS 17

SEAHAWKS (1-0) AT BRONCOS (0-1) ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***
Pete Carroll might mistake the Denver Broncos for Fresno State University and accidentally score 80 points against them in an effort to improve the Seahawks' BCS bid.
SEAHAWKS 34, BRONCOS 0

RAMS (0-1) AT RAIDERS (0-1) ***WEEK TWO MISERA-BOWL***
The two teams that used to be in Los Angeles have a combined 20-76 over the last three seasons. If there is a way both of them can lose, I'm sure they'll find it. I guess they could both move back to LA. That would do it.
RAMS 26, RAIDERS 18

TEXANS (1-0) AT REDSKINS (1-0)
Normally, when Texans come to Washington, the middle class gets screwed and wars are undertaken but never officially declared by Congress. And excessively fat people stand on the left side of Metro escalators and then stop at the end of the platform making it difficult for other people to exit the escalator. Texans are annoying.
REDSKINS 24, TEXANS 20

PATRIOTS (1-0) AT JETS (0-1)
Tom Brady accidentally walked into the Jets' locker room, and because of his soft, flowing hair, he was mistaken for a perky Mexican model/reporter. DE Shaun Ellis and LB Bart Scott admitted to say that they wanted to "sack" Brady, presumably some raunchy sex act akin to the retrograde wheelbarrow.
JETS 27, PATRIOTS 21

GIANTS (1-0) AT COLTS (0-1) ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
The other Manning brother, Cooper, suffered a neck injury in high school. He has since been put out to stud. He will not be watching his two Super Bowl MVP brothers Eli and Peyton match up against each other on Sunday night because he will be busy procreating with 14 different women. That Manning seed is in high demand.
GIANTS 27, COLTS 24

SAINTS (1-0) AT 49ERS (0-1) ***MNF***
I have a feeling Mike Singletary will be thanking another team for whipping the 49ers ass. I think it would be entertaining if the Saints dropped 49 points on the 49ers. I love it when things match.
SAINTS 49, 49ERS 21

Last Week: 11-5
Season: 11-5

Let's keep it rolling, football fans. Grab an refreshing appletini, settle in with a nice plate of tofu squares, and find your most fashionable snuggie, because you're way too much of a wuss to handle the awesomeness that will be Week Two.

See you Tuesday with the results.

Bonk commercial

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like there is something I'm missing here. I'm not sure why Ovechkin appears to be carrying Donovan McNabb's refrigerator on his back. I'm not sure why Capital One opted to hire a celebrity who can't say the word "bank" without it sounding like "bonk." Certainly McNabb could afford to hire a moving company, and Ovechkin should be making enough money that he doesn't need to take a side job for National Van Lines. So clearly there is some symbolism here that escapes me. Is McNabb going to take the Skins to the playoffs and this is Ovi's penalty for choking in the first round? Are we getting over the Great 8 now that McNabb is in town? And, will Ovechkin come to my home and carry the television I would like moved to the other side of the room? This has left me with so many unanswered questions, I dont know where to begin.

PIF: Week One Results

For the uninitiated, here's how it works... Green is a pick I nailed, red is a pick I blew. As an added bonus, the weekly awards are at the bottom. Hope everyone's first NFL week of 2010 was as awesome as mine.

Prediction: SAINTS 38, VIKINGS 17 ***THURSDAY NIGHT OPENER***
Result: SAINTS 14, VIKINGS 9
Kind of an underwhelming way to start the season.

Prediction: BROWNS 19, BUCCANEERS 13 ***WEEK ONE MISERA-BOWL***
Result: BUCCANEERS 17, BROWNS 14
I didn't call the winner, but let's be honest. There are no winners in this game.

Prediction: DOLPHINS 30, BILLS 20

Result: DOLPHINS 15, BILLS 10
I'm kind of impressed that the final score was exactly half of what I prognosticated.

Prediction: PATRIOTS 24, BENGALS 21
Result: PATRIOTS 38, BENGALS 24
Tom Brady is so hot.

Prediction: TEXANS 34, COLTS 30 ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
Result: TEXANS 34, COLTS 24
Ooooh, called this one, didn't I? Houston makes a statement.

Prediction: JAGUARS 29, BRONCOS 13

Result: JAGUARS 24, BRONCOS 17
I don't know anyone who cared about this game.

Prediction: FALCONS 20, STEELERS 13
Result: STEELERS 15, FALCONS 9 (OT)
Mendenhall's overtime TD FTW.

Prediction: TITANS 28, RAIDERS 27

Result: TITANS 38, RAIDERS 13
It's going to be another long year of Raider football and Al Davis not dying.

Prediction: GIANTS 31, PANTHERS 15
Result: GIANTS 31, PANTHERS 18

I was only off by a FG in this one. 

Prediction: BEARS 23, LIONS 20

Result: BEARS 19, LIONS 14 
Calvin Johnson was robbed because of a pretty strange ruling. Fortunately, Lions are used to losing.

Prediction: CARDINALS 38, RAMS 16

Result: CARDINALS 17, RAMS 13
Not a bad debut for Sam Bradford.

Prediction: PACKERS 44, EAGLES 3 ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

Result: PACKERS 27, EAGLES 20

If Kolb hadn't gotten injured, I would have had my blowout.

Prediction: 49ERS 31, SEAHAWKS 24

Result: SEAHAWKS 31, 49ERS 6

Coach Singletary thanked the Seahawks for kicking his team's ass. He's the General Patton of football.

Prediction: REDSKINS 31, COWBOYS 30 ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***

Result: REDSKINS13, COWBOYS 7

What a horribly ugly game. 

Prediction: JETS 19, RAVENS 15 ***MNF PART ONE***

Result: RAVENS 10, JETS 9

To quote Jet's coach Rex Ryan, "@#$% the ?&@$%! taco @#$!& %#@? fuck!"

Prediction: CHARGERS 41, CHIEFS 24 ***MNF PART TWO***

Result: CHIEFS 21, CHARGERS 14
This game ended sometime early Wednesday afternoon. Seriously, NFL, what the hell? a 10pm start?

WEEK ONE AWARDS

Rookie of the Week: Rams rookie QB Sam Bradford put up a good fight

Surprise Player of the Week: Where the hell did Texans RB Arian Foster come from with 230 yards rushing and three TD's?

Tough Guy of the Week: Coach Singletary, for thanking the Seahawks for whooping his 49ers. I wouldn't want to be on his practice field this week.

Terrell Owens Memorial Asshole of the Week: In a press conference after the game, Patriots WR Randy Moss announced he would be leaving New England at the end of the season.

Bust of the Week: (tie) The Dallas Cowboys offensive line blew every chance the Redskins gave them to win. Also, Eagles QB Kevin Kolb was to be the anointed one, except he suffered a concussion and probably lost his job to Michael "Ron Mexico" Vick. That's right, I didn't forget about the herpes, dog killer.

Celebration of the Week: Every Cowboys fan who, for a brief moment, thought they won the game.

Special Teams Player of the Week: Packers K Mason Crosby set a Packers record (which is hard to do, Brett Favre has most of them) with a 56 yard FG against Philadelphia.

Defensive Player of the Week: Redskins CB DeAngelo Hall scored the difference-making touchdown on a fumble recovery as the first half expired vs. Dallas.

Offensive Player of the Week: Even though they lost, Peyton Manning went 40 of 57 for 433 yards, 3 TD and no picks.

This Week: 11-5

See you later this week when I prognosticate Week Two.

PIF: NFL Week One Predictions

Greetings loyal football fans. Normally, I like to crank these predictions out on Thursdays, but heck, I just can't wait anymore. Besides, the season kicks off on Thursday when the Vikes play the reigning Super Bowl champ Saints. What a spectacle. As always, the disclaimer: betting on these picks can be hazardous to your credit rating.


VIKINGS (0-0) at SAINTS (0-0) ***THURSDAY NIGHT OPENER***
Could you imagine if John Madden were still calling games for ESPN? You could have a drinking game. One shot for every time he says Brett Favre, two for Hurrican Katrina, three for Turducken, and four when he suffers heart failure.
Prediction: SAINTS 38, VIKINGS 17


BROWNS (0-0) at BUCCANEERS (0-0) *** WEEK ONE MISERA-BOWL***

Colt McCoy is the future of the Browns. Just like Brady Quinn and Tim Couch. I'm giving this one to Cleveland, partly because they deserve a break, and partly because Tampa, Florida is the worst city I have ever visited. And I've been to Baghdad, Kabul, and Cleveland.

Prediction: BROWNS 19, BUCCANEERS 13

DOLPHINS (0-0) at BILLS (0-0) 
Since I'm in Miami for the first half of this football season, I've adopted them as my surrogate AFC team. But just to show I'm not playing favorites, I'll actually give the Bills more points than they'd ever score.

Prediction: DOLPHINS 30, BILLS 20

BENGALS (0-0) at PATRIOTS (0-0)
What can I say about this game that TO and Ochocinco won't overblow in the media to set the civil rights movement back several decades?

Prediction: PATRIOTS 24, BENGALS 21

COLTS (0-0) at TEXANS (0-0) ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
Ladies won't like this pick. I have never been able to figure out why, but chicks love Peyton Manning. He's the Sex and the City of the NFL

Prediction: TEXANS 34, COLTS 30

BRONCOS (0-0) at JAGUARS (0-0)
Kyle Orton has this week locked up, but it's going to be a year long game of "which Broncos quarterback is going to disappoint the entire Front Range this week?"

Prediction: JAGUARS 29, BRONCOS 13

FALCONS (0-0) at STEELERS (0-0)
I like the Steelers in this game if anyone but Dennis Dixon is starting at quarterback. I swear, the first time I heard his name I thought Donna Dixon was the quarterback in Steel City. She'd probably do better.

Prediction: FALCONS 20, STEELERS 13

RAIDERS (0-0) at TITANS (0-0)
Everyone likes the Titans this year. But expecting a repeat performance from Chris Johnson is like buying a house in 2007 with an interest only loan and expecting to make money.

Prediction: TITANS 28, RAIDERS 27

PANTHERS (0-0) at GIANTS (0-0)
Change the score to Giants 374, Panthers 0 if Eli Manning magically gets hurt. Why? Sage Motherfuckin' Rosenfels.

Prediction: GIANTS 31, PANTHERS 15

LIONS (0-0) at BEARS (0-0)
Ndamukong Suh, the Lions first round selection, has been looking forward to week one as a good excuse to leave the Detroit Metroplitan region. Seriously. What a shitty town.

Prediction: BEARS 23, LIONS 20

CARDINALS (0-0) at RAMS (0-0)
The Rams have one six games in the last three years. The Cardinals won more than that in a single game last year.

Prediction: CARDINALS 38, RAMS 16

PACKERS (0-0) at EAGLES (0-0) ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

A lot of people are saying the Packers are going to the Super Bowl, and I think a lot of these same people are still in denial about how much worse the Eagles got this offseason. People from Philadelphia can go back to blaming the Eagles as to why they are all miserable human beings.

Prediction: PACKERS 44, EAGLES 3

49ERS (0-0) at SEAHAWKS (0-0)

Man, the NFC West is such a crappy division. It's not even fair. 

Prediction: 49ERS 31, SEAHAWKS 24

COWBOYS (0-0) at REDSKINS (0-0) ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***

Season opener against the Cowboys on Sunday night in FedEx Field, and I'm not there to bear witness. This will be a hell of a game, as most Redskins-Cowboys games tend to be. I think this is because the City of Dallas may actually be hell. Like, bad people go there when they die. That's what you get for selling your soul Tony Romo.

Prediction: REDSKINS 31, COWBOYS 30

RAVENS (0-0) at JETS (0-0) ***MNF PART ONE***

This defensive battle would normally be a little boring if not for Rex Ryan cursing and being fat on the Jets' sideline. I love that bastard.

Prediction: JETS 19, RAVENS 15

CHARGERS (0-0) CHIEFS (0-0) ***MNF PART TWO***

Anyone east of the Mississippi will be fast asleep by the time this game ends, so don't even bother.

Prediction: CHARGERS 41, CHIEFS 24

So grab your favorite beer coozy, prepare an excuse for your girlfriend, and dig your jersey out of the closet. The NFL is upon us, and it is beautiful. Kickoff is Thursday night, don't miss it. I have a feeling this is going to be an excellent year of football. See you after the games.

Can You Say Arrogant?

I know Usain Bolt is the fastest man in the world and all, but wow, does this guy have an ego!  In an interview with BBC Radio he had the following quote about American sprinter (and second fastest man in the world) Tyson Gay:

I think Tyson sits at home and cusses me. He just really gets upset because every time he runs fast, I run faster than he does. At the world championship he ran 9.71 and that's the fastest a U.S. athlete has ever run and he was still cussing. So deep down I think he probably just hates my guts."

I get it though.  I guess when you are that much better at what you do then everybody else you can be a little bit a jerk.  Maybe a little humility would be nice?  No on second thought, it is probably better to have great sound bites!