PIF: NFL Week Two Predictions

Hello Again, football fans! I don't know what it is about fall in the air that makes Politically Incorrect Football work so well. In the last 24 hours, I have been accused of being a raging sexist, and racist against Muslims (which, I have to point out, is a religion, not a race). I was also called a socialist hippie and a tree hugger in two separate incidents this week. But I have decided to get back to my roots and use my disparaging comments to talk about football.

BILLS (0-1) AT PACKERS (1-0)
This is game is pure Great Lakes: fat people in danger of losing their jobs.
PACKERS 31, BILLS 7

DOLPHINS (1-0) AT VIKINGS (0-1)
I like to picture Brett Favre's hair never having gone gray. Instead, I picture him going bald. Can't you just see him with a nasty comb-over?
VIKINGS 20, DOLPHINS 13

CHIEFS (1-0) AT BROWNS (0-1)
These are traditionally my two favorite AFC teams. But Kansas City appears to be on a roll, and the Browns just lost to a team that can't even beat themselves.
CHIEFS 42, BROWNS 20

BEARS (1-0) AT COWBOYS (0-1)
The Bears robbed the Lions of a win last week because of an unusual rule. The Cowboys lost to the Redskins on a very untimely penalty at the end of the game. Karma would dictate that this one would have to go to Dallas, except for the fact that Dallas is full of evil, soulless villians.
BEARS 17, COWBOYS 16

CARDINALS (1-0) AT FALCONS (0-1)
Birds! Lol.
CARDINALS 23, FALCONS 17

BUCCANEERS (1-0) AT PANTHERS (0-1)
Who the hell is the quarterback for these two teams? There are six quarterbacks between these two teams, and I think I've thrown more raging parties than they've thrown NFL passes. (It's funny because I'm not popular and I don't throw many parties)
PANTHERS 30, BUCCANEERS 13

EAGLES (0-1) AT LIONS (0-1) ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***
Michael Vick is starting at quarterback for the Eagles to showcase the skills he picked up in prison.
LIONS 23, EAGLES 14

RAVENS (1-0) AT BENGALS (0-1)
It's a good thing the Ravens are playing in Cincinnati. You never know when a building in Maryland is going to get taken hostage by a crazed gunman. In Cincinnati, all you have to worry about are two year olds smoking pot. Even toddlers are finding ways to deal with the Bengals losing ways.
RAVENS 31, BENGALS 13

STEELERS (1-0) AT TITANS (1-0)
Chris Johnson has a goal to gain 2,500 yards this season. What is he running from?
TITANS 21, STEELERS 17

SEAHAWKS (1-0) AT BRONCOS (0-1) ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***
Pete Carroll might mistake the Denver Broncos for Fresno State University and accidentally score 80 points against them in an effort to improve the Seahawks' BCS bid.
SEAHAWKS 34, BRONCOS 0

RAMS (0-1) AT RAIDERS (0-1) ***WEEK TWO MISERA-BOWL***
The two teams that used to be in Los Angeles have a combined 20-76 over the last three seasons. If there is a way both of them can lose, I'm sure they'll find it. I guess they could both move back to LA. That would do it.
RAMS 26, RAIDERS 18

TEXANS (1-0) AT REDSKINS (1-0)
Normally, when Texans come to Washington, the middle class gets screwed and wars are undertaken but never officially declared by Congress. And excessively fat people stand on the left side of Metro escalators and then stop at the end of the platform making it difficult for other people to exit the escalator. Texans are annoying.
REDSKINS 24, TEXANS 20

PATRIOTS (1-0) AT JETS (0-1)
Tom Brady accidentally walked into the Jets' locker room, and because of his soft, flowing hair, he was mistaken for a perky Mexican model/reporter. DE Shaun Ellis and LB Bart Scott admitted to say that they wanted to "sack" Brady, presumably some raunchy sex act akin to the retrograde wheelbarrow.
JETS 27, PATRIOTS 21

GIANTS (1-0) AT COLTS (0-1) ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
The other Manning brother, Cooper, suffered a neck injury in high school. He has since been put out to stud. He will not be watching his two Super Bowl MVP brothers Eli and Peyton match up against each other on Sunday night because he will be busy procreating with 14 different women. That Manning seed is in high demand.
GIANTS 27, COLTS 24

SAINTS (1-0) AT 49ERS (0-1) ***MNF***
I have a feeling Mike Singletary will be thanking another team for whipping the 49ers ass. I think it would be entertaining if the Saints dropped 49 points on the 49ers. I love it when things match.
SAINTS 49, 49ERS 21

Last Week: 11-5
Season: 11-5

Let's keep it rolling, football fans. Grab an refreshing appletini, settle in with a nice plate of tofu squares, and find your most fashionable snuggie, because you're way too much of a wuss to handle the awesomeness that will be Week Two.

See you Tuesday with the results.