PIF: NFL Week One Predictions

Greetings loyal football fans. Normally, I like to crank these predictions out on Thursdays, but heck, I just can't wait anymore. Besides, the season kicks off on Thursday when the Vikes play the reigning Super Bowl champ Saints. What a spectacle. As always, the disclaimer: betting on these picks can be hazardous to your credit rating.


VIKINGS (0-0) at SAINTS (0-0) ***THURSDAY NIGHT OPENER***
Could you imagine if John Madden were still calling games for ESPN? You could have a drinking game. One shot for every time he says Brett Favre, two for Hurrican Katrina, three for Turducken, and four when he suffers heart failure.
Prediction: SAINTS 38, VIKINGS 17


BROWNS (0-0) at BUCCANEERS (0-0) *** WEEK ONE MISERA-BOWL***

Colt McCoy is the future of the Browns. Just like Brady Quinn and Tim Couch. I'm giving this one to Cleveland, partly because they deserve a break, and partly because Tampa, Florida is the worst city I have ever visited. And I've been to Baghdad, Kabul, and Cleveland.

Prediction: BROWNS 19, BUCCANEERS 13

DOLPHINS (0-0) at BILLS (0-0) 
Since I'm in Miami for the first half of this football season, I've adopted them as my surrogate AFC team. But just to show I'm not playing favorites, I'll actually give the Bills more points than they'd ever score.

Prediction: DOLPHINS 30, BILLS 20

BENGALS (0-0) at PATRIOTS (0-0)
What can I say about this game that TO and Ochocinco won't overblow in the media to set the civil rights movement back several decades?

Prediction: PATRIOTS 24, BENGALS 21

COLTS (0-0) at TEXANS (0-0) ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
Ladies won't like this pick. I have never been able to figure out why, but chicks love Peyton Manning. He's the Sex and the City of the NFL

Prediction: TEXANS 34, COLTS 30

BRONCOS (0-0) at JAGUARS (0-0)
Kyle Orton has this week locked up, but it's going to be a year long game of "which Broncos quarterback is going to disappoint the entire Front Range this week?"

Prediction: JAGUARS 29, BRONCOS 13

FALCONS (0-0) at STEELERS (0-0)
I like the Steelers in this game if anyone but Dennis Dixon is starting at quarterback. I swear, the first time I heard his name I thought Donna Dixon was the quarterback in Steel City. She'd probably do better.

Prediction: FALCONS 20, STEELERS 13

RAIDERS (0-0) at TITANS (0-0)
Everyone likes the Titans this year. But expecting a repeat performance from Chris Johnson is like buying a house in 2007 with an interest only loan and expecting to make money.

Prediction: TITANS 28, RAIDERS 27

PANTHERS (0-0) at GIANTS (0-0)
Change the score to Giants 374, Panthers 0 if Eli Manning magically gets hurt. Why? Sage Motherfuckin' Rosenfels.

Prediction: GIANTS 31, PANTHERS 15

LIONS (0-0) at BEARS (0-0)
Ndamukong Suh, the Lions first round selection, has been looking forward to week one as a good excuse to leave the Detroit Metroplitan region. Seriously. What a shitty town.

Prediction: BEARS 23, LIONS 20

CARDINALS (0-0) at RAMS (0-0)
The Rams have one six games in the last three years. The Cardinals won more than that in a single game last year.

Prediction: CARDINALS 38, RAMS 16

PACKERS (0-0) at EAGLES (0-0) ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

A lot of people are saying the Packers are going to the Super Bowl, and I think a lot of these same people are still in denial about how much worse the Eagles got this offseason. People from Philadelphia can go back to blaming the Eagles as to why they are all miserable human beings.

Prediction: PACKERS 44, EAGLES 3

49ERS (0-0) at SEAHAWKS (0-0)

Man, the NFC West is such a crappy division. It's not even fair. 

Prediction: 49ERS 31, SEAHAWKS 24

COWBOYS (0-0) at REDSKINS (0-0) ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***

Season opener against the Cowboys on Sunday night in FedEx Field, and I'm not there to bear witness. This will be a hell of a game, as most Redskins-Cowboys games tend to be. I think this is because the City of Dallas may actually be hell. Like, bad people go there when they die. That's what you get for selling your soul Tony Romo.

Prediction: REDSKINS 31, COWBOYS 30

RAVENS (0-0) at JETS (0-0) ***MNF PART ONE***

This defensive battle would normally be a little boring if not for Rex Ryan cursing and being fat on the Jets' sideline. I love that bastard.

Prediction: JETS 19, RAVENS 15

CHARGERS (0-0) CHIEFS (0-0) ***MNF PART TWO***

Anyone east of the Mississippi will be fast asleep by the time this game ends, so don't even bother.

Prediction: CHARGERS 41, CHIEFS 24

So grab your favorite beer coozy, prepare an excuse for your girlfriend, and dig your jersey out of the closet. The NFL is upon us, and it is beautiful. Kickoff is Thursday night, don't miss it. I have a feeling this is going to be an excellent year of football. See you after the games.