PIF: Week Five Results

Dear Football Fans,

I am officially teetotaling for the rest of the season. Why, you might ask? Because my beloved Redskins are 3-0 when I abstain from confidence juice, 0-2 when I imbibe during the game. Yes, while vacationing in Puerto Rico, I watched professional football at a bar and did not drink a drop during the game. Yes, my last name is still Murphy. So for the record, here's what happened while I was on siesta:

Prediction: BILLS 24, JAGUARS 21 ***WEEK FIVE MISERA-BOWL***

Result: JAGUARS 36, BILLS 26

Its a matter of time before these teams are the Los Angeles Jaguars and the Toronto Bills. A matter of time.

Prediction: RAVENS 17, BRONCOS 10

Result: RAVENS 31, BRONCOS 17

I really want to like the Ravens. They're right up the street from DC, they play good old fashioned hard nosed football, and they are fun to watch. But the fans are such colossal rejects that I perish the thought of donning purple camouflage pants and sitting under a freeway overpass to tailgate a game.

Prediction: CHIEFS 31, COLTS 24 ***GAME OF THE WEEK***

Result: COLTS 19, CHIEFS 9

Fans, I have to apologize. This was in no way a game of the week. This game sucked worse than the Indianapolis night life. During football offseason.

Prediction: REDSKINS 24, PACKERS 23

Result: REDSKINS 16, PACKERS 13 (OT)

See what happens when you don't drink? Your team beats a team they haven't beaten in 22 years. This is the fourth game in five that the Redskins have seen decided on the very last play. Because they hate their fans and they want them all to die of coronaries.

Prediction: LIONS 31, RAMS 24

Result: LIONS 44, RAMS 6

Holy urban blight! You never get the expected when the two worst teams in the two worst cities in America face off. As I write this sentence, 200 more people are moving out of each of these cities.

Prediction: BEARS 20, PANTHERS 7

Result: BEARS 23, PANTHERS 6

I love it when I just nail one of these. See that? That is a work of art. I pulled that prediction out of my ass while sitting in the Fort Lauderdale Airport. Top that.

Prediction: BENGALS 40, BUCCANEERS 10 ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

Result: BUCCANEERS 24, BENGALS 21

Hey, what do you want? I picked these games while sitting in the Fort Lauderdale Airport.

Prediction: BROWNS 16, FALCONS 13

Result: FALCONS 20, BROWNS 10

This has nothing to do with this game, but Toyota Truck commercials sound like they are narrated by John Goodman's creepy uncle. It's 2010, gas is 4 bucks a gallon. Nobody drives trucks anymore except for new money rednecks. Quit marketing them like they're some proletariat's tool. Nobody uses them to haul lumber or tow loads of rocks, they use them to compensate for their numerous shortcomings as human beings or tailgate. John Goodman's creepy uncle isn't going to make me want to purchase one.

Prediction: TEXANS 24, GIANTS 20

Result: GIANTS 34, TEXANS 10

Hakeem Nicks had a career day catching 12 passes for 130 yards and 2 TDs. It was pretty bad ass.

Prediction: SAINTS 38, CARDINALS 29

Result: CARDINALS 30, SAINTS 20

The Cards pulled this one off without scoring a single touchdown on offense. Three defensive touchdowns. I hope QB Max Hall, who made his first ever start, bought everyone on his defense a steak and lobster meal after this one.

Prediction: TITANS 21, COWBOYS 9

Result: TITANS 34, COWBOYS 27

People are still buzzing about the Cowboys. They're 1-3. Every other team in their traditionally difficult division is 3-2. Tony Romo is poisoning that team with his goofy little Polish-Mexican smile. He's a gimmick and he will die alone, unloved.

Prediction: CHARGERS 30, RAIDERS 19

Result: RAIDERS 35, CHARGERS 27

The Raiders had 9 points on blocked punts alone, which proved to be the margin of victory. Jason Campbell relieved Bruce Gradkowski after he went 1 of 7 passing. Getting yanked for Jason Campbell is like getting dumped for a civil war reenactor: it's embarrassing, and it's only done by someone who has completely given up on their future.

Prediction: 49ERS 23, EAGLES 13

Result: EAGLES 27, 49ERS 24

49ers owner Jed York declared that San Francisco will win the NFC West despite starting the season 0-5. No pressure, though. You're the only team in your division that hasn't made the Super Bowl in the last 10 years, and you're one of only two teams in the NFC that is still winless. 

Prediction: JETS 21, VIKINGS 19 ***MNF***

Result: JETS 29, VIKINGS 20

You know, two Prime Time games being delayed on a count of rain is just not football-like. Maybe they should have put a lid on that monstrosity in New Jersey so those whiny Jets fans won't have to bitch about standing in the rain.

WEEKLY AWARDS

Rookie of the Week: Bucs WR Mike Williams caught 7 for 99 and a touchdown in Tampa's win

Surprise Player of the Week: Lions QB Shaun Hill throwing for 227 yards and three TDs with no interceptions led the Lions to their first victory in ten games

Tough Guy of the Week: Redskins S LaRon Landry
Terrell Owens Memorial Asshole of the Week: Brett Favre for this ridiculous sexual harassment scandal

Bust of the Week: Cardinals RB Beanie Wells had 20 carries for a paltry 35 yards

Celebration of the Week: Marc Colombo falling down during a football dance, which cost his team 15 yards because touchdown dances can't involve players being on the ground.

Special Teams Player of the Week: Raiders RB Rock Cartwright blocked a punt for a safety against the Chargers

Defensive Player of the Week: The entire Arizona Cardinals defense, which facilitated beating the Saints without the offense scoring a touchdown

Offensive Player of the Week: Chicago RB Matt Forte had 166 yards and two touchdowns to lead the Bears to victory over Carolina

Stick a Fork In: The San Francisco 49ers, again; Bruce Gradkowski; The entire city of Dallas

This Week: 6-8

Last Week: 7-7
Season: 37-38-1

So sorry I took a week off, it needed to happen. If I can't relax and enjoy myself once in a while, well, I shouldn't be doing Politically Incorrect Football anymore, should I? I probably shouldn't be anyway. I've seen more people take interest in slam poetry competitions in Mississippi. But whatever. You keep losing money betting on my picks, I'll keep making horrible predictions. See you Thursday for the predictions.

Your pal,

~~~Davemurphy

PIF: Week Three Results

Hello again football fans,

Ah, here's my old friend. This fellow to my left has been watching over Politically Incorrect Football since 2005. Many ignorant rednecks who do not know any better might think this guy is an Arab Muslim, but in fact he is a Sikh of Indian descent. It's possible that by the time I die, there could be two BILLION Indians on earth. My goal is to recruit all of them to become Redskins fans, and this good man ought to be their role model.

I recovered a little bit this week, but ugh, what a tough week to watch. Fortunately, several friends were made at the sports pub this week, and commiseration ensued. Lots of commiseration. Here's how it went:

Prediction: GIANTS 35, TITANS 24

Result: TITANS 29, GIANTS 10

This was just a bad pick. I swear, I'm losing my touch in my old age. I apologize, football fans.

Prediction: BENGALS 20, PANTHERS 10

Result: BENGALS 20, PANTHERS 7

Nailed it. Jimmy Clausen, however, did not nail his debut.

Prediction: STEELERS 26, BUCCANEERS 3

Result: STEELERS 38, BUCCANEERS 13

Pittsburgh continues to scrape the bottom of the barrel for quarterbacks who can give the people of Pittsburgh something to cheer about from the bottom of their black lungs. The Buccaneers are as exposed like so many University of South Florida women paying their way through grad school.

Prediction: PATRIOTS 47, BILLS 10 ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

Result: PATRIOTS 38, BILLS 30

I watched this game with a Patriots fan. So he knew who Danny Woodhead was. He pointed him out to me. Danny Woodhead is from North Platte, NE. He is splitting time at running back for the Patriots. And he is white as the south side of a Russian's tan line. A white running back. Who starts. At running back. Named Woodhead.

Prediction: BROWNS 13, RAVENS 10

Result: RAVENS 24, BROWNS 17

I'm giving myself a tie for this one. I knew the Browns were going to lose. But what was heartwarming about this game was Browns RB Peyton Hillis, who ran for 144 and a TD. White guy. Not making that up. He is a white running back. Not a fullback, a running back. Ironically playing for the Browns.

Prediction: CHIEFS 21, 49ERS 17

Result: CHIEFS, 49ERS 10

The Chiefs are one of two undefeated teams left in the AFC. If you saw that coming you A) have a last name that rhymes with "schmostradamus", B) own a modified DeLorean, or C) are a homer from Kansas City. If you predicted them to beat the 49ers, you're almost as awesome as I am. And by awesome I mean lonely.

Prediction: TEXANS 42, COWBOYS 21

Result: COWBOYS 27, TEXANS 13

Screw it, I really don't feel like talking about Texas right now.

Prediction: LIONS 22, VIKINGS 18 ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***

Result: VIKINGS 24, LIONS 10

Tuning in to watch the Lions win a game is harder than trying to find a job with a successful start-up business in Detroit. 

Prediction: SAINTS 24, FALCONS 20 ***GAME OF THE WEEK***

Result: FALCONS 27, SAINTS 24 (OT)

Around halftime, some douchebag bandwagon Saints fan barges into the pub and complains that the Saints game isn't on any of the TVs. And of course, he kept screaming "WHO DAT" every time Drew Brees completed a one yard pass. Now, my dear fans, I rarely root against the Saints. And I never root for the Falcons. But this guy changed all that. Needless to say, when the Saints blocked the FG in overtime, we were chanting "Who dat call a time out to ice the kicker?"

Prediction: REDSKINS 31, RAMS 13

Result: RAMS 30, REDSKINS 16

Of the Rams' whopping seven wins in the last 3+ seasons, two of them are against the Redskins. That is your-mother-is-Courtney-Love embarrassing.

Prediction: EAGLES 23, JAGUARS 14

Result: EAGLES 28, JAGUARS 3

Was ANYONE at this game? Anyone? I've got a challenge for you. If you were at this game and you can prove it, I'll give you my car. Seriously.I'm not worried though, because NOBODY was at this game. And I don't actually own a car, but that's beside the point.

Prediction: COLTS 28, BRONCOS 7

Result: COLTS 27, BRONCOS 13

Nothing surprising here. Peyton Manning, three touchdowns. Move along.

Prediction: CARDINALS 20, RAIDERS 15 ***WEEK THREE MISERA-BOWL***

Result: CARDINALS 24, RAIDERS 23

If you watched this game, you'll never get those three hours of your life back. But chances are you live in Phoenix or Oakland, in which case the faster you can make the time fly byu towards sweet, sweet death, the better I suppose.

Prediction: CHARGERS 23, SEAHAWKS 14

Result: SEAHAWKS 27, CHARGERS 20

Pete Carroll is bringing a bit of life to the Pacific Northwest. Seahawks fans are coming out of the woodwork. And there's a lot of woods up there. I heard Sasquatch now owns a Lofa Tatupu jersey. But then I heard that Lofa Tatupu IS Sasquatch.

Prediction: DOLPHINS 19, JETS 17

Result: JETS 31, DOLPHINS 23

Jimmy and Joe flew from New York City down here to Miami to see the game. While at the bar, they bought several rounds of drinks for the two Patriots fans there with us. Their good karma was rewarded with an excellent game and a Jets win. If I teach you one thing, my dear football fans, it's that football fan karma does exist, and it's why the Philadelphia Eagles haven't won the Super Bowl.

Prediction: PACKERS 38, BEARS 35

Result: BEARS 20, PACKERS 17Another white guy at running back. And folks, when I decided to bring back Politically Incorrect Football this season, I promised myself I'd tone down the racial jokes. But come on... a white running back named Kuhn? Well, that joke writes itself.

Rookie of the Week: (tie) Patriots TE duo Aaron Hernandez and Rob Gronkowski are turning into Tom Brady's favorite targets.

Surprise Player of the Week: Three, count them, three white tailbacks are either starting or splitting time: Browns' Peyton Hillis, Patriots' Danny Woodhead, and Packers' John Kuhn.

Tough Guy of the Week: Titans LB Stephen Tulloch racked up 13 tackles in the win over the Giants

Terrell Owens Memorial Asshole of the Week: The jackasses at the pub who stole some of Chrisco's beer and then tried to eat my chicken wings. Come on, man, really?

Bust of the Week: Saints kicker Garret Hartley blows another short kick. His days are numbered.

Celebration of the Week: Saints Fan Guy who thought the Saints blocked an overtime field goal only to find that their coach had called a time out to ice the kicker.

Special Teams Player of the Week: Leon Washington of the Seahawks ran back two kickoffs for touchdowns that made the difference in their win over San Diego

Defensive of the Week: Chiefs' LB Tamba Hali had three sacks and two tackles for losses to help the Chiefs become one of only three undefeated teams left in the league.

Offensive of the Week: Colts WR Austin Collie caught 12 passes for 171 yards and two touchdowns

Stick a Fork In: the San Francisco 49ers 

This Week: 7-8-1

Last Week: 6-10

Season: 24-23-1

And on a somber note, all time NFL Great George Blanda, who played for four teams across four decades, 1949-1976, passed away Monday. Even Brett Favre won't reach pro-football longevity like that. He played with several men who weren't even born his rookie season, and he will be missed. He was 83. 

Next week is a big week with some serious rivalries, so make sure you check back Friday for the goods. Until then, have a good week, and happy football.

Your source for crappy football picks,

Davemurphy

PIF: Week Two Results

Helmet throwing. Quarterback hating. Heart breaking. Week Two had it all and more. The flukes were separated from the not-so-flukes. And I put on at least three pounds thanks to the chicken wings at Mike's at the Venetia. I know no one reading this is in Florida, but I'm plugging it anyway. So I forgot my usual disclaimer, but I hope none of you used my picks as the basis for any actual cash wager. Here's how it all went down.

Prediction: PACKERS 31, BILLS 7

Result: PACKERS 34, BILLS 7

Wow, hit the nail right on the head with that one, didn't I? Trent Edwards is playing like someone hit a nail into his head.

Prediction: VIKINGS 20, DOLPHINS 13

Result: DOLPHINS 14, VIKINGS 10

I really shouldn't be picking against my adopted AFC team. Lesson learned.

Prediction: CHIEFS 42, BROWNS 20

Result: CHIEFS 16, BROWNS 14

Okay, so not the shootout I predicted. But a win is a win, and KC is 2-0

Prediction: BEARS 17, COWBOYS 16

Result: BEARS 27, COWBOYS 20

See? Bad karma. All that oil money and urban sprawl... you need to change your ways, Dallas!

Prediction: CARDINALS 23, FALCONS 17

Result: FALCONS 41, CARDINALS 7

Sigh. I picked the Cards to win the Super Bowl. This is why you don't bet on my picks.

Prediction: PANTHERS 30, BUCCANEERS 13

Result: BUCCANEERS 20, PANTHERS 7

I don't know if anyone noticed, but I snuck in and played a few snaps at QB for the Panthers.

Prediction: LIONS 23, EAGLES 14 ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***

Result: EAGLES 35, LIONS 32

I almost gave myself a tie for this one, but the truth is I underestimated how good people have it in prison these days.

Prediction: RAVENS 31, BENGALS 13

Result: BENGALS 15, RAVENS 10

Ray Lewis cries about quarterbacks who cry. Stay up, Ray.

Prediction: TITANS 21, STEELERS 17

Result: STEELERS 19, TITANS 11

The Steelers are 2-0 despite having -2 people on their depth chart at quarterback.

Prediction: SEAHAWKS 34, BRONCOS 0 ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

Result: BRONCOS 31, SEAHAWKS 14

Oh, come on! This was a sure thing! As sure as rain and crippling depression in Seattle!

Prediction: RAMS 26, RAIDERS 18 ***WEEK TWO MISERA-BOWL***

Result: RAIDERS 16, RAMS 14

If I had known the Raiders would have benched Jason Campbell, I would have seen this coming. 

Prediction: REDSKINS 24, TEXANS 20

Result: TEXANS 30, REDSKINS 27 (OT)

When the Skins were up 27-10 in the third quarter, I leaned over to another Skins fan at the bar and said "I could get used to this!" Good thing I didn't.

Prediction: JETS 27, PATRIOTS 21

Result: JETS 28, PATRIOTS 14

Tom Brady at one point threw 8 consecutive incomplete passes, a career record. Tom, cut your hair. You are the anti-Samson.

Prediction: CHARGERS 35, JAGUARS 17

Result: CHARGERS 38, JAGUARS 13

The Jags had six turnovers. That's one for every fan in Jacksonville who was watching the game.

Prediction: GIANTS 27, COLTS 24

Result: COLTS 38, GIANTS 14

Afterwards, Peyton gave Eli a wedgie and stole his Halloween candy.

Prediction: SAINTS 49, 49ERS 21

Result: SAINTS 25, 49ERS 22

Jerry Rice saw his jersey retired. And his team fall to 0-2.

Rookie of the Week: Jhavid Best kept the Lions in the fight with 78 yards rushing, 154 yards receiving, and three touchdowns

Surprise Player of the Week: In relief of an injured Michael Turner, Falcons RB Jason Snelling filled in nicely with 129 yards and two touchdowns.

Tough Guy of the Week: Packers LB Clay Matthews racked up three sacks for the second week in a row. He is on pace for 48 sacks this season.

Terrell Owens Memorial Asshole of the Week: The ref who thinks this is tripping a quarterback (50 seconds in).

Bust of the Week: Cardinals QB Derek Anderson looked ugly. Raiders fans ugly. Mike Ditka in his pajamas ugly. 7-41 ugly. Honorable mention to Raiders QB Jason Campbell, who was also benched.

Celebration of the Week: Packers QB Aaron Rodgers' white boy attempt at the Lambeau Leap

Special Teams Player of the Week: Texans' Bernard Pollard blocked a crucial late-game field goal during the Texans' improbable comeback. Pollard is also famous for knocking Tom Brady out for the entire 2008 season.

Defensive Player of the Week: Brandon Flowers ran back an interception for the decisive touchdown in the Chiefs' win over Cleveland.

Offensive Player of the Week: (tie) QB's Matt Schaub and Donovan McNabb combined for over 900 yards passing in the overtime shootout in Washington.

Stick a Fork In: The Cardinals, Raiders QB Jason Campbell, Wade Phillips, Eli's bragging rights, Jacksonville having a football team.

This week: 6-10

Last Week: 11-5

Season:  17-15

You're minding your own business and boom, the NFL season is one eighth over. Hang in there, my loyal fans. And don't fret, I'll bounce back from 6-10 the way Dan Snyder delusionally tells Redskins fans that their team will each year. Since I started Politically Incorrect Football in 2002, my worst week was 4-12. So this wasn't the worst, but it was close. See you later this week with the picks.

PIF: Week One Results

For the uninitiated, here's how it works... Green is a pick I nailed, red is a pick I blew. As an added bonus, the weekly awards are at the bottom. Hope everyone's first NFL week of 2010 was as awesome as mine.

Prediction: SAINTS 38, VIKINGS 17 ***THURSDAY NIGHT OPENER***
Result: SAINTS 14, VIKINGS 9
Kind of an underwhelming way to start the season.

Prediction: BROWNS 19, BUCCANEERS 13 ***WEEK ONE MISERA-BOWL***
Result: BUCCANEERS 17, BROWNS 14
I didn't call the winner, but let's be honest. There are no winners in this game.

Prediction: DOLPHINS 30, BILLS 20

Result: DOLPHINS 15, BILLS 10
I'm kind of impressed that the final score was exactly half of what I prognosticated.

Prediction: PATRIOTS 24, BENGALS 21
Result: PATRIOTS 38, BENGALS 24
Tom Brady is so hot.

Prediction: TEXANS 34, COLTS 30 ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
Result: TEXANS 34, COLTS 24
Ooooh, called this one, didn't I? Houston makes a statement.

Prediction: JAGUARS 29, BRONCOS 13

Result: JAGUARS 24, BRONCOS 17
I don't know anyone who cared about this game.

Prediction: FALCONS 20, STEELERS 13
Result: STEELERS 15, FALCONS 9 (OT)
Mendenhall's overtime TD FTW.

Prediction: TITANS 28, RAIDERS 27

Result: TITANS 38, RAIDERS 13
It's going to be another long year of Raider football and Al Davis not dying.

Prediction: GIANTS 31, PANTHERS 15
Result: GIANTS 31, PANTHERS 18

I was only off by a FG in this one. 

Prediction: BEARS 23, LIONS 20

Result: BEARS 19, LIONS 14 
Calvin Johnson was robbed because of a pretty strange ruling. Fortunately, Lions are used to losing.

Prediction: CARDINALS 38, RAMS 16

Result: CARDINALS 17, RAMS 13
Not a bad debut for Sam Bradford.

Prediction: PACKERS 44, EAGLES 3 ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

Result: PACKERS 27, EAGLES 20

If Kolb hadn't gotten injured, I would have had my blowout.

Prediction: 49ERS 31, SEAHAWKS 24

Result: SEAHAWKS 31, 49ERS 6

Coach Singletary thanked the Seahawks for kicking his team's ass. He's the General Patton of football.

Prediction: REDSKINS 31, COWBOYS 30 ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***

Result: REDSKINS13, COWBOYS 7

What a horribly ugly game. 

Prediction: JETS 19, RAVENS 15 ***MNF PART ONE***

Result: RAVENS 10, JETS 9

To quote Jet's coach Rex Ryan, "@#$% the ?&@$%! taco @#$!& %#@? fuck!"

Prediction: CHARGERS 41, CHIEFS 24 ***MNF PART TWO***

Result: CHIEFS 21, CHARGERS 14
This game ended sometime early Wednesday afternoon. Seriously, NFL, what the hell? a 10pm start?

WEEK ONE AWARDS

Rookie of the Week: Rams rookie QB Sam Bradford put up a good fight

Surprise Player of the Week: Where the hell did Texans RB Arian Foster come from with 230 yards rushing and three TD's?

Tough Guy of the Week: Coach Singletary, for thanking the Seahawks for whooping his 49ers. I wouldn't want to be on his practice field this week.

Terrell Owens Memorial Asshole of the Week: In a press conference after the game, Patriots WR Randy Moss announced he would be leaving New England at the end of the season.

Bust of the Week: (tie) The Dallas Cowboys offensive line blew every chance the Redskins gave them to win. Also, Eagles QB Kevin Kolb was to be the anointed one, except he suffered a concussion and probably lost his job to Michael "Ron Mexico" Vick. That's right, I didn't forget about the herpes, dog killer.

Celebration of the Week: Every Cowboys fan who, for a brief moment, thought they won the game.

Special Teams Player of the Week: Packers K Mason Crosby set a Packers record (which is hard to do, Brett Favre has most of them) with a 56 yard FG against Philadelphia.

Defensive Player of the Week: Redskins CB DeAngelo Hall scored the difference-making touchdown on a fumble recovery as the first half expired vs. Dallas.

Offensive Player of the Week: Even though they lost, Peyton Manning went 40 of 57 for 433 yards, 3 TD and no picks.

This Week: 11-5

See you later this week when I prognosticate Week Two.