PIF: Week Three Results

Hello again football fans,

Ah, here's my old friend. This fellow to my left has been watching over Politically Incorrect Football since 2005. Many ignorant rednecks who do not know any better might think this guy is an Arab Muslim, but in fact he is a Sikh of Indian descent. It's possible that by the time I die, there could be two BILLION Indians on earth. My goal is to recruit all of them to become Redskins fans, and this good man ought to be their role model.

I recovered a little bit this week, but ugh, what a tough week to watch. Fortunately, several friends were made at the sports pub this week, and commiseration ensued. Lots of commiseration. Here's how it went:

Prediction: GIANTS 35, TITANS 24

Result: TITANS 29, GIANTS 10

This was just a bad pick. I swear, I'm losing my touch in my old age. I apologize, football fans.

Prediction: BENGALS 20, PANTHERS 10

Result: BENGALS 20, PANTHERS 7

Nailed it. Jimmy Clausen, however, did not nail his debut.

Prediction: STEELERS 26, BUCCANEERS 3

Result: STEELERS 38, BUCCANEERS 13

Pittsburgh continues to scrape the bottom of the barrel for quarterbacks who can give the people of Pittsburgh something to cheer about from the bottom of their black lungs. The Buccaneers are as exposed like so many University of South Florida women paying their way through grad school.

Prediction: PATRIOTS 47, BILLS 10 ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

Result: PATRIOTS 38, BILLS 30

I watched this game with a Patriots fan. So he knew who Danny Woodhead was. He pointed him out to me. Danny Woodhead is from North Platte, NE. He is splitting time at running back for the Patriots. And he is white as the south side of a Russian's tan line. A white running back. Who starts. At running back. Named Woodhead.

Prediction: BROWNS 13, RAVENS 10

Result: RAVENS 24, BROWNS 17

I'm giving myself a tie for this one. I knew the Browns were going to lose. But what was heartwarming about this game was Browns RB Peyton Hillis, who ran for 144 and a TD. White guy. Not making that up. He is a white running back. Not a fullback, a running back. Ironically playing for the Browns.

Prediction: CHIEFS 21, 49ERS 17

Result: CHIEFS, 49ERS 10

The Chiefs are one of two undefeated teams left in the AFC. If you saw that coming you A) have a last name that rhymes with "schmostradamus", B) own a modified DeLorean, or C) are a homer from Kansas City. If you predicted them to beat the 49ers, you're almost as awesome as I am. And by awesome I mean lonely.

Prediction: TEXANS 42, COWBOYS 21

Result: COWBOYS 27, TEXANS 13

Screw it, I really don't feel like talking about Texas right now.

Prediction: LIONS 22, VIKINGS 18 ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***

Result: VIKINGS 24, LIONS 10

Tuning in to watch the Lions win a game is harder than trying to find a job with a successful start-up business in Detroit. 

Prediction: SAINTS 24, FALCONS 20 ***GAME OF THE WEEK***

Result: FALCONS 27, SAINTS 24 (OT)

Around halftime, some douchebag bandwagon Saints fan barges into the pub and complains that the Saints game isn't on any of the TVs. And of course, he kept screaming "WHO DAT" every time Drew Brees completed a one yard pass. Now, my dear fans, I rarely root against the Saints. And I never root for the Falcons. But this guy changed all that. Needless to say, when the Saints blocked the FG in overtime, we were chanting "Who dat call a time out to ice the kicker?"

Prediction: REDSKINS 31, RAMS 13

Result: RAMS 30, REDSKINS 16

Of the Rams' whopping seven wins in the last 3+ seasons, two of them are against the Redskins. That is your-mother-is-Courtney-Love embarrassing.

Prediction: EAGLES 23, JAGUARS 14

Result: EAGLES 28, JAGUARS 3

Was ANYONE at this game? Anyone? I've got a challenge for you. If you were at this game and you can prove it, I'll give you my car. Seriously.I'm not worried though, because NOBODY was at this game. And I don't actually own a car, but that's beside the point.

Prediction: COLTS 28, BRONCOS 7

Result: COLTS 27, BRONCOS 13

Nothing surprising here. Peyton Manning, three touchdowns. Move along.

Prediction: CARDINALS 20, RAIDERS 15 ***WEEK THREE MISERA-BOWL***

Result: CARDINALS 24, RAIDERS 23

If you watched this game, you'll never get those three hours of your life back. But chances are you live in Phoenix or Oakland, in which case the faster you can make the time fly byu towards sweet, sweet death, the better I suppose.

Prediction: CHARGERS 23, SEAHAWKS 14

Result: SEAHAWKS 27, CHARGERS 20

Pete Carroll is bringing a bit of life to the Pacific Northwest. Seahawks fans are coming out of the woodwork. And there's a lot of woods up there. I heard Sasquatch now owns a Lofa Tatupu jersey. But then I heard that Lofa Tatupu IS Sasquatch.

Prediction: DOLPHINS 19, JETS 17

Result: JETS 31, DOLPHINS 23

Jimmy and Joe flew from New York City down here to Miami to see the game. While at the bar, they bought several rounds of drinks for the two Patriots fans there with us. Their good karma was rewarded with an excellent game and a Jets win. If I teach you one thing, my dear football fans, it's that football fan karma does exist, and it's why the Philadelphia Eagles haven't won the Super Bowl.

Prediction: PACKERS 38, BEARS 35

Result: BEARS 20, PACKERS 17Another white guy at running back. And folks, when I decided to bring back Politically Incorrect Football this season, I promised myself I'd tone down the racial jokes. But come on... a white running back named Kuhn? Well, that joke writes itself.

Rookie of the Week: (tie) Patriots TE duo Aaron Hernandez and Rob Gronkowski are turning into Tom Brady's favorite targets.

Surprise Player of the Week: Three, count them, three white tailbacks are either starting or splitting time: Browns' Peyton Hillis, Patriots' Danny Woodhead, and Packers' John Kuhn.

Tough Guy of the Week: Titans LB Stephen Tulloch racked up 13 tackles in the win over the Giants

Terrell Owens Memorial Asshole of the Week: The jackasses at the pub who stole some of Chrisco's beer and then tried to eat my chicken wings. Come on, man, really?

Bust of the Week: Saints kicker Garret Hartley blows another short kick. His days are numbered.

Celebration of the Week: Saints Fan Guy who thought the Saints blocked an overtime field goal only to find that their coach had called a time out to ice the kicker.

Special Teams Player of the Week: Leon Washington of the Seahawks ran back two kickoffs for touchdowns that made the difference in their win over San Diego

Defensive of the Week: Chiefs' LB Tamba Hali had three sacks and two tackles for losses to help the Chiefs become one of only three undefeated teams left in the league.

Offensive of the Week: Colts WR Austin Collie caught 12 passes for 171 yards and two touchdowns

Stick a Fork In: the San Francisco 49ers 

This Week: 7-8-1

Last Week: 6-10

Season: 24-23-1

And on a somber note, all time NFL Great George Blanda, who played for four teams across four decades, 1949-1976, passed away Monday. Even Brett Favre won't reach pro-football longevity like that. He played with several men who weren't even born his rookie season, and he will be missed. He was 83. 

Next week is a big week with some serious rivalries, so make sure you check back Friday for the goods. Until then, have a good week, and happy football.

Your source for crappy football picks,

Davemurphy

PIF: NFL Week Three Predictions

Dear Football Aficionados,

What say you, football fans? Good season so far? If you answered yes, you're obviously not a Minnesota Vikings fan or Kevin Kolb. But I'd be inclined to agree with you. Something magical happens in the fall. And this being the first week of 2010 NFL football to be played in the fall, I think it will be a magical week. A magical week of football. When sayings like this come out of my mouth, I stop and ask myself why I am still single. Whatever, my week has been shitty enough, let's just get to the predictions. As always, make sure you do not use these picks as the basis for any actual wager involving cash money:

TITANS (1-1) at GIANTS (1-1)

Nashville may be the Paris of the South, but New York is the New York of the world. Unfortunately, Eli Manning isn't the Manning of the Mannings.

Prediction: GIANTS 35, TITANS 24

BENGALS (1-1) at PANTHERS (0-2)

The Cincinnati Bengals saw their quarterback get coddled against the Ravens last week. But the Panthers' QB is still waiting to get signed by the Panthers. Because they don't have a QB right now. Jimmy Clausen doesn't count.

Prediction: BENGALS 20, PANTHERS 10

STEELERS (2-0) at BUCCANEERS (2-0)

The Big-Benless Steelers against the Succaneers? And they're both undefeated? That means at the end of the day, one of them will STILL be undefeated. Next thing you'll tell me is that you know a girl from Tampa who is NOT a stripper!

Prediction: STEELERS 26, BUCCANEERS 3

BILLS (0-2) at PATRIOTS (1-1) ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

I'd love to think that last week's embarrassment at the hand of the Jets would send the Patriots into a downward spiral, but unfortunately said spiral is currently being blocked by the Buffalo Bills. Apparently this is the only thing they know how to block.

Prediction: PATRIOTS 47, BILLS 10

BROWNS (0-2) at RAVENS (1-1)

I don't care how unlikely it is, I will never pick the Ravens to beat the Browns out of solidarity with the hard working (by that I mean unemployed) people of Cleveland. Baltimore will win this game, but that's not how I'm predicting it, because I pick with my heart, not my head. Probably another reason why I'm still single.

Prediction: BROWNS 13, RAVENS 10

49ERS (0-2) at CHIEFS (2-0)

A lot of people thing SanFran's losing streak and KC's winning streak need to end at 2. I am not one of those people. 

Prediction: CHIEFS 21, 49ERS 17

COWBOYS (0-2) at TEXANS (2-0)

Ibid.

Prediction: TEXANS 42, COWBOYS 21

LIONS (0-2) at VIKINGS (0-2) ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***

The Lions have been close in both of their first two games so far. Luck just hasn't been on their side. Fortunately for them, age is no longer on Brett Favre's side.

Prediction: LIONS 22, VIKINGS 18

FALCONS (1-1) at SAINTS (2-0) ***GAME OF THE WEEK***

Man, remember when these two teams were as irrelevant as the public school systems in their respective cities? It's good they have their priorities straight in the South.

Prediction: SAINTS 24, FALCONS 20

REDSKINS (1-1) at RAMS (0-2)

Apart from #1 pick Sam Bradford at QB and veteran RB Steven Jackson, I have never heard of anyone on the offense of the Saint Louis Rams. I'm pretty sure they outsourced the offensive line to the WWE, and that some college exchange students are playing wide receiver. When your team's two losses are to the Cardinals and Raiders, you know you're in trouble.

Prediction: REDSKINS 31, RAMS 13

EAGLES (1-1) at JAGUARS (1-1)

An estimated 609 people are expected to show up to see this game. The other 34 people in Jacksonville are in Los Angeles seeing if they want to follow their football team out there when they move.

Prediction: EAGLES 23, JAGUARS 14

COLTS (1-1) at BRONCOS (1-1)

Horsies lol

Prediction: COLTS 28, BRONCOS 7

RAIDERS (1-1) at CARDINALS (1-1) ***WEEK THREE MISERA-BOWL***

These teams have a combined 0 wins against teams that aren't the Saint Louis Rams. And what could possibly be a more miserable setting for a Misera-Bowl than Phoenix? If the Sinaloa Cartel doesn't kidnap you, you can get completely sunburnt watching your team crank out another really ugly victory.

Prediction: CARDINALS 20, RAIDERS 15

CHARGERS (1-1) at SEAHAWKS (1-1)

This West Coast battle of who's-for-real will end with one of these two teams making a statement. And this is a good week for San Diego, as other people have already been making statements on behalf of Southern Californians.

Prediction: CHARGERS 23, SEAHAWKS 14

JETS (1-1) at DOLPHINS (2-0)

The morning show I listen to here in Miami is corresponding with a Russian woman who they believe is setting them up for a scam. Instead of using their own pictures, however, they are posing as Jets coach Rex Ryan. If that doesn't make you root for the Dolphins, well, you're just not as much of a fan of insult humor as I am.

Prediction: DOLPHINS 19, JETS 17

PACKERS (2-0) at BEARS (2-0) ***MNF***

Bratwurst. Obesity. Unemployment. Cheap American Beer. Unbearably shitty weather. And Packers vs. Bears. Two of the oldest teams in the NFL, and they're both undefeated. The Lake Michigan Bowl is on Monday Night.

PACKERS 38, BEARS 35

Last Week: 6-10
Season: 17-15

Once again I'll be watching my football at Mike's in the Venetian, harassing Natalie, our fine barkeep. This week I will be reunited with Chrisco, aka Baby Junior, and we will be eating unhealthy food and arguing with other wayward fans miles from their home team. To all of you watching football in your home town this week, be kind to those out of towners that are taking up refuge in your local watering holes to watch their games. They too are kindly people with good souls. Unless they're Cowboys fans. Have a good football week, my friends.

Your Prognosticator,

Davemurphy