Nicknames Galore: Miami Heat Edition

When LeBron announced that he was taking his talents to South Beach, we dubbed him LePippen. Yeah, it's mean. It's meant to be belittling, not because we hate LeBron (we don't), but because his announcement was a (well-documented) public relations catastrophe and a slap in the face to the community that had worshiped him since his arrival in the League.

Anyhow, most bloggers and reporters (if there's actually much of a difference these days) began searching for nicknames for the Heat, such as Miami Thrice. Miami Thrice is a stupid nickname. Regardless, these folks are missing the point: it's more fun to give nicknames to players than to teams.

Joel Anthony - Joel Anthony is in the running to be the best Canadian player in the League once Steve Nash retires. Currently, he's sitting squarely in 3rd behind Sam Dalembert. We'll call him Joel Clearly the 3rd Best Canadian Player in the NBA Anthony.

Carlos Arroyo - I always like to sing songs from Evita to my Puerto Rican friends, adapted, of course, for Puerto Rico. For some reason, the complete absurdity offends them. In an effort not to offend an entire unincorporated territory of the United States, I'll point out that Arroyo is bad at math, if this is in fact his myspace page. Other than his perceived lack of math skills, he seems pretty chill. Jason has dubbed him Froyo (not to be confused with Frodo) because Arroyo is like the basketball player version of frozen yogurt: he looks the part, and is adequate, but doesn't really taste right. Perhaps Chris Paul would be the real deal?

Patrick Beverley - #. Like the Artist formerly known as Prince, Beverley's nickname is unpronounceable. He receives the number sign or pound sign. Why? Its meaning in this situation is unknowable much like his presence on the Heat's roster. Maybe he will catch Adam Morrison in number of rings earned without playing. Beverley's roster presence may become a trivia piece in years to come.

Chris Bosh - Third Option. I still think the Bulls would have been a better pick for LeBron and Wade. They wouldn't have needed Bosh. Alternatively, the Heat should have tried for Boozer rather than Bosh. Third Option is a boring nickname for a player who will be boring to watch compared to his teammates.

Da'Sean Butler - until we find a player with the initials CCR, we will continue to give players classic rock nicknames. Da'Sean Butler receives the (perhaps not) enviable moniker The Who.

Mario Chalmers - Chalmers has the benefit of having a catchy last name. This does not mean his name is now Mario "Chalmers" Chalmers. That would be silly and we don't do silly around these parts.

Kenny Hasbrouck - If you've ever seen DC native Hasbrouck play, it was probably during his college years taking the Siena Saints to the NCAA tournament. He's not going to get much burn backing up Wade, Miller, House, and possibly LeBron at the guard spot. It's great that he's a D-League guy who made the jump to the NBA, but there's not much to work with - other than his recent DWI arrest. We'll call him Kenny the Saint because we're hipsters* who like irony, contradiction, and juxtaposition.

Udonis Haslem - While he's not America's Most Blunted (ahem, Beasley), he's short for a center, being listed at 6'8" and weighs less than LeBron. Therefore, Jason dubs him Little Man.

Eddie House - Mini-Sheed. We'll get to watch Heat fans cringe as House puts up quick, low-percentage jumpers early in the shot clock.

Juwan Howard - Coach. Father Time has been in the league since Dexter Pittman, Patrick Beverley, and Da'Sean Butler were 6 years old.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas - Big Z arrives with his nickname intact - according to most media reports, he has not shrunk. If Miami were more European or more of a backwater, we'd call him Zed. But it's not. Given Miami's division rivals, we'll call him the Lithuanian Hammer. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Mr. Overpaid Backup Center in Orlando.

LeBron James - LePippen.


James Jones - The man complains his name is too plain. However, there is numerology afoot: his number is 22; he was drafted in the second round; he has alliteration featuring two Js in his name. Ergo, Double Deuce. If his field goal percentage tanks further this year, he'll get the Jarvis Hayes treatment and be dubbed Ames Ones.

Jamaal Magloire - Mr. Irrelevant is clearly the 4th best Canadian player in the league right now.

Mike Miller - Merr. Miller is pretty much a more athletic version of Steve Kerr.

Dexter Pittman - The Pits. If Pittman is in the game, the Heat are either up by 30 points or the injury bug has ravaged the platoon of bigs.

Shavlik Randolph - Century Man. This could be the season where Randolph plays his 100th NBA game. Emphasis on could.

Dwyane Wade - D-Wade is a sad nickname. The process of essentially reading the name as it appears in the box score is a lame method of naming. But we'll stick with it... for now.

Erik Spoelstra - with a brilliant set of white chompers and a reference to a classic baseball name that has all but disappeared, we're going to call him Whitey Spo.


* We're not actually hipsters, though occasionally, we try.