Nicknames Galore: Dallas Mavericks Edition

In response to our first Nicknames Galore post, Miami reader Tim emailed to say

Everyone makes Harold and Kumar jokes about Spoelstra, you should have gone that route. Your lead-up to Arroyo was great, but the nickname has to be something Pueto Rican. Shavlik Randolph's nickname should be cut. James Jones doesn't deserve Double Deuce, he's too plain for a Roadhouse reference. You should call him Vanilla until he adds something to his game. Butler, Beverly and Pittman are begging for some nickname related to their inevitable roles at the end of the bench and as clinger-ons to the big dogs at all the south beach clubs. I feel like some group name is necessary. Depending on how the season plays out calling Chris Bosh the Coattail King or Coattail Champion might be perfect if he rides Dwayne and Lebron to the title...

Now, we turn our love and ire toward the under-performing Dallas Mavericks of Mark Cuban. Countless folks (meaning at least two, but we're too lazy to do the research to figure out who) have said that the Mavs are built for the regular season and not for playoffs. That requires some odd intellectual parsing of what is required of a team playing different teams every night versus grinding it out over a best-of-seven series. Regardless, we're not debunking the Mavs right now. We're just giving them nicknames. Why? Because we can be catty like that.

Alexis Ajinca - What do you call the tall Frenchman who has everything? Weak in the post!

Jose Juan Barea - We want to satisfy our readers (Tim) the way good scotch satisfies all of us here at J.B. Sports Chat. Barea hails from Puerto Rico, so any Desi Arnaz references would be ignorant at best. Tito Puente was far too much of a virtuoso to have his name associated with Barea. Plus, Puente hails from Spanish Harlem. Barea doesn't even warrant a Charlie Palmieri reference - but again, Palmieri was a New Yorker. Instead, we dub Barea "El Colón" in honor of esteemed (in Puerto Rico) Santitos Colón but also because Barea seems to gather all the bad plays he sees while riding the pine and unleashing his impersonation of said plays during garbage time. In other words, El Colon works, too. Yeah, it's obscure, but unless you're a Mavs fan, are you going to recognize Barea if you sit next to him on a plane?



Rodrigue Beaubois - Mark Cuban apparently wants the Mavericks to rival the Raptors in terms of quantity of international players. Beaubois had some breakout moments and apparently has some sort of semi-inaudible form (at least to humans) of communication with Jason Kidd - much like dolphins. His eFG% for dunks? 100%. 85% of his dunks last season were assisted. Can you hear the click-chirp-ehh-ehh noise? For that, and his diminutive stature (ok, he's no Earl Boykins, but dude is only six feet tall), we dub him Le Petit Dauphin. Take that, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.

Speaking of dolphins...


Caron Butler - Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison accepted the goodwill bestowed upon the Wizards during Agent Zero's fall from health and grace. When Arenas returned, Butler became a black hole on offense, but he remained a class act, at least compared to Arenas, Andray Blatche, and DeShawn Stevenson. Maybe this is too easy, but we're going with Wadsworth, despite the Mountain Dew and plastic straws.

Tyson Chandler - Tyson Chandler has never played 82 regular season games. In fact, aside from his first two seasons in New Orleans, he hasn't proven all that spectacular. However, he did just win a gold medal at the FIBA World Championships. Nevertheless, this less than solid replacement for Erick Dampier and now Brendan Haywood receives a nickname. It's not out of love and it's not out of hate, but, after that bizarre non-trade to Oklahoma City, we're going with Big Toe over other possibilities including Number 2, My Left Foot, and Behind Kwame.

Brendan Haywood - The man says what he thinks. Sometimes, he backs it up with violence. Like Chandler, Haywood was drafted behind Kwame Brown. Sadly, Haywood actually had to play on the same team as Kwame where he witnessed firsthand what a horrible choice Michael Jordan made. Simply because Haywood fought his teammate and sometime-poet Etan Thomas (and we find that awesome in the bad decision department), he shall henceforth be known a Brendan Haymaker Haywood.

Dominique Jones - I've spent too much time in Tampa over the last year to handle this with any aplomb, so here's Jason's take: rookie, leading scorer Big East, 25th pick in the 2010 NBA draft by Memphis, traded for $3 million (pennies in the NBA). We have to call him John Odom the man who ACTUALLY got traded for 10 Prairie Sticks Maple Bats, double-dipped black, 34-inch, C243 style? And that is effed up.

Jason Kidd - Old Glory... because he protects old people from robots, obviously.

Ian Mahinmi - Dallas has more French players than anyone else. It's weird. Odder still is that two of them are centers. Even stranger is the fact that Mahinmi has a widely-known interest in cryptozoology, which is the study of nonexistent animals. However, given his penchant for finely made chapeaus, we refer to him during his 6.3 minutes per game as The Haberdasher.

Shawn Marion - It's kind of amazing how Marion's jumpshot is the equivalent of Keanu's acting. The Matrix was a cool nickname when Marion was putting up outlandish stats, but that was when The Matrix didn't seem completely tarnished by the rest of the trilogy. Unfortunately, the name no longer fits. He is now The Matrix Trilogy.

Steve Novak - this San Diego Chargers kicker saved Maryland against Georgia Tech a few years ago. Oh, sorry, Steve Novak? Give it up for White Lightning.



Dirk Nowitzki - here's Jason's take: Simon Gruber. Dirk is like the big bad guy in Die Hard: With a Vengeance. German, super cool, big, blond and imposing, seems to be unbeatable in the beginning, but somehow loses to the pesky John McClane (a.k.a. D-Wade). Can’t you just see D-Wade at the end of game 6 of the 2006 finals turning to Dirk and saying: "Yippie-Kai-Yay motherfucker?"

DeShawn Stevenson - Interrobang. That's this: ‽. Abe Lincoln tattoo. Backwards P tattoo. I think we're going to circle back to a full post on the ridiculousness that is DeShawn.



Jason Terry - WILDCAT.



Tim Thomas - Journey. Sing the Journey catalog to yourself. Its inconsistencies match up perfectly with the formerly-occasionally-clutch player's play.

Rick Carlisle - you know that scene in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan when Shatner yells "Khaaaaan!" after Ricardo Montalbán has activated the Genesis Device? I think Rick Carlisle feels the same way about Larry Brown. Call him Captain Kirk to impress your friends.