PIF: NFL Week Three Predictions

Dear Football Aficionados,

What say you, football fans? Good season so far? If you answered yes, you're obviously not a Minnesota Vikings fan or Kevin Kolb. But I'd be inclined to agree with you. Something magical happens in the fall. And this being the first week of 2010 NFL football to be played in the fall, I think it will be a magical week. A magical week of football. When sayings like this come out of my mouth, I stop and ask myself why I am still single. Whatever, my week has been shitty enough, let's just get to the predictions. As always, make sure you do not use these picks as the basis for any actual wager involving cash money:

TITANS (1-1) at GIANTS (1-1)

Nashville may be the Paris of the South, but New York is the New York of the world. Unfortunately, Eli Manning isn't the Manning of the Mannings.

Prediction: GIANTS 35, TITANS 24

BENGALS (1-1) at PANTHERS (0-2)

The Cincinnati Bengals saw their quarterback get coddled against the Ravens last week. But the Panthers' QB is still waiting to get signed by the Panthers. Because they don't have a QB right now. Jimmy Clausen doesn't count.

Prediction: BENGALS 20, PANTHERS 10

STEELERS (2-0) at BUCCANEERS (2-0)

The Big-Benless Steelers against the Succaneers? And they're both undefeated? That means at the end of the day, one of them will STILL be undefeated. Next thing you'll tell me is that you know a girl from Tampa who is NOT a stripper!

Prediction: STEELERS 26, BUCCANEERS 3

BILLS (0-2) at PATRIOTS (1-1) ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

I'd love to think that last week's embarrassment at the hand of the Jets would send the Patriots into a downward spiral, but unfortunately said spiral is currently being blocked by the Buffalo Bills. Apparently this is the only thing they know how to block.

Prediction: PATRIOTS 47, BILLS 10

BROWNS (0-2) at RAVENS (1-1)

I don't care how unlikely it is, I will never pick the Ravens to beat the Browns out of solidarity with the hard working (by that I mean unemployed) people of Cleveland. Baltimore will win this game, but that's not how I'm predicting it, because I pick with my heart, not my head. Probably another reason why I'm still single.

Prediction: BROWNS 13, RAVENS 10

49ERS (0-2) at CHIEFS (2-0)

A lot of people thing SanFran's losing streak and KC's winning streak need to end at 2. I am not one of those people. 

Prediction: CHIEFS 21, 49ERS 17

COWBOYS (0-2) at TEXANS (2-0)

Ibid.

Prediction: TEXANS 42, COWBOYS 21

LIONS (0-2) at VIKINGS (0-2) ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***

The Lions have been close in both of their first two games so far. Luck just hasn't been on their side. Fortunately for them, age is no longer on Brett Favre's side.

Prediction: LIONS 22, VIKINGS 18

FALCONS (1-1) at SAINTS (2-0) ***GAME OF THE WEEK***

Man, remember when these two teams were as irrelevant as the public school systems in their respective cities? It's good they have their priorities straight in the South.

Prediction: SAINTS 24, FALCONS 20

REDSKINS (1-1) at RAMS (0-2)

Apart from #1 pick Sam Bradford at QB and veteran RB Steven Jackson, I have never heard of anyone on the offense of the Saint Louis Rams. I'm pretty sure they outsourced the offensive line to the WWE, and that some college exchange students are playing wide receiver. When your team's two losses are to the Cardinals and Raiders, you know you're in trouble.

Prediction: REDSKINS 31, RAMS 13

EAGLES (1-1) at JAGUARS (1-1)

An estimated 609 people are expected to show up to see this game. The other 34 people in Jacksonville are in Los Angeles seeing if they want to follow their football team out there when they move.

Prediction: EAGLES 23, JAGUARS 14

COLTS (1-1) at BRONCOS (1-1)

Horsies lol

Prediction: COLTS 28, BRONCOS 7

RAIDERS (1-1) at CARDINALS (1-1) ***WEEK THREE MISERA-BOWL***

These teams have a combined 0 wins against teams that aren't the Saint Louis Rams. And what could possibly be a more miserable setting for a Misera-Bowl than Phoenix? If the Sinaloa Cartel doesn't kidnap you, you can get completely sunburnt watching your team crank out another really ugly victory.

Prediction: CARDINALS 20, RAIDERS 15

CHARGERS (1-1) at SEAHAWKS (1-1)

This West Coast battle of who's-for-real will end with one of these two teams making a statement. And this is a good week for San Diego, as other people have already been making statements on behalf of Southern Californians.

Prediction: CHARGERS 23, SEAHAWKS 14

JETS (1-1) at DOLPHINS (2-0)

The morning show I listen to here in Miami is corresponding with a Russian woman who they believe is setting them up for a scam. Instead of using their own pictures, however, they are posing as Jets coach Rex Ryan. If that doesn't make you root for the Dolphins, well, you're just not as much of a fan of insult humor as I am.

Prediction: DOLPHINS 19, JETS 17

PACKERS (2-0) at BEARS (2-0) ***MNF***

Bratwurst. Obesity. Unemployment. Cheap American Beer. Unbearably shitty weather. And Packers vs. Bears. Two of the oldest teams in the NFL, and they're both undefeated. The Lake Michigan Bowl is on Monday Night.

PACKERS 38, BEARS 35

Last Week: 6-10
Season: 17-15

Once again I'll be watching my football at Mike's in the Venetian, harassing Natalie, our fine barkeep. This week I will be reunited with Chrisco, aka Baby Junior, and we will be eating unhealthy food and arguing with other wayward fans miles from their home team. To all of you watching football in your home town this week, be kind to those out of towners that are taking up refuge in your local watering holes to watch their games. They too are kindly people with good souls. Unless they're Cowboys fans. Have a good football week, my friends.

Your Prognosticator,

Davemurphy