Wednesday, December 1, 2010

After a battle in a blizzard, Lech Poznan drew with Juventus 1 -1, Wednesday night, to advance to the last 16 of the Europa League.

Janek Skarzynski/Getty
Poznan, Poland December 1, 2010

Can you Believe It????

Alessandro del Piero of Italy's Juventus is frozen in time just before scoring a goal against Polish Champions Lech Poznan during their UEFA Europa League match Wednesday night in Poznan, Poland. The snowy contest ended in a 1-1 draw, eliminating Juventus from the competition.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

College Basketball .... Does it make me a bad person?

Well folks, college basketball is back!  This week we had the pleasure of watching top 25 teams in exotic locations celebrate wins against the likes of Coastal Carolina, Chaminade, Morehead State, Austin Peay, Texas A&M-CC, USC-Upstate (a real school in beautiful upstate South Carolina), my favorite, the Hawks of Maryland-Eastern Shore (not to be confused with the Eastern Shore Higher Education Center), High Point, and The Mississippi Institute of Fan Belts and Air Conditioning (I only made one of those up). 

With the return of college basketball comes two very important moments in my life.

(1) the return to consistent blogging (I know how much you blog readers have missed me!), and
(2) my continued review of all things recruiting class related.

Now, while I enjoy the blogging, the excuse to review all things NCAA Basketball, and the thought of writing running blog posts from my couch while taking off two days of work to watch every game of the opening round of the Tourney, the second event brings about a certain amount of self loathing. Sound crazy? Well its not. Let me explain. 

After waking up and checking emails overnight, I fire up the old interweb and pull open the Georgetown page on ESPN (a buddy had sent me a link to an article that graded the early recruiting classes of all of the Big East schools that I had somehow missed). Like a kid running down the stairs to open my presents on Christmas,    I click on the link and am dismayed to see that St. John's (A+), Louisville (A), Syracuse (A), and RUTGERS (A) (WTF?) have higher grades than my beloved Hoyas (A-).

After getting over this initial shock (and effective ruin of my morning), I decided to learn a little bit more about the players that we signed to make millions of dollars for the university as "student athletes."  First I read about Mikael Hopkins (95 rating), a 6'8" center  who has terrific upside, but needs to work on his court energy.  Then, I marveled at the potential of watching Jabril Trawick (93 rating) becoming a dangerous wing, but found myself concerned about his reportedly flat jumper.  Finally, I thought ... I hope that Tyler Adam's (91 rating) knee holds up and he can stay in shape!

Forty minutes later, after having my day ruined, and then reading about players who are 17 years old and have yet to step foot on campus as students, I was done.  Strangely though, I didn't feel excited about the future, or happy about G-town's 5-0 start. Instead, I felt kind of bad.  I started questioning whether it was wrong for me, an almost 30 year old man, to be so incredibly obsessed with a 17 year old's jump shot.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I understand that all sports, but especially basketball, are young person's games. I fully appreciate that just because you get older you don't stop being a fan.  At the same time though, I realized that for all the conversations I have where I advocate for paying players, and treating them as athlete students rather than student athletes, I am part of the problem.  I see these kids not as young men who are building for the future, but rather as parts in the machine that will power my favorite college basketball team.  Finally, I had to face the fact that rather than play with my dogs, I read about college recruiting. Then...I start to self loath just a little. 

With that being said, I really do hope that Tyler's knee can hold up!

Thoughts?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

MLS Playoffs: Then there were 4, and they were All West

So, flipping between Walking Dead episode 2 and the MLS playoffs last week wasn't too difficult, since Galaxy dominated on both sides of the pitch from start to finish (3-1 on aggregate). The bigger question is, when everyone was trying in vain to try to escape Atlanta during the Zombie Apocalypse, why didn't anyone think to drive on the incoming lanes of the highway, where there was no one, much as Glen did in his brand new muscle car at the end of the episode? Come on, people, you gotta try harder if you want to survive!

And people said that World Cup fever wouldn't spill over into increased America interest in soccer. Hah.... no one is watching these playoffs besides me, are you?

Galaxy, top seeded coming into the playoffs, is the only team that was not upset during the first round! Over last weekend, #3W FC Dallas knocked off #2W Real Salt Lake on aggregate (3-2), #5W Colorado Rapids upset #2E Columbus Crew in PKs (pens. 5-4), and #6W San Jose Earthquakes shocked #1E NY Red Bulls at Red Bulls Arena with a come from behind win on aggregate (3-2). Also, there are NO Eastern teams at all left in the finals; the Eastern Championship will be played in Colorado.

Yep. The East is super weak. It's like watching the NBA playoffs and wondering who is going to have the privilege of losing to the Lakers this year.

If you asked me who the biggest threats to the Supporter's Shield (best regular season record) winning Galaxy were going to be during these playoffs, I would have said 1) The Red Bulls, who have become the most dangerous team in the MLS since picking up Rafael Marquez and Thierry Henry, 2) Seattle in the first leg, who is often unbeatable at home (they play to the largest crowd in all of MLS, a usually sold-out ~35,000 in the Seattle Seahawk's Qwest Field), and 3) RSL, the reigning champs who upset the Galaxy in last year's MLS Cup finals at Seattle. And all three are now gone. San Jose may be a dark horse, and LA have a NorCal/SoCal rivalry, and Landon Donovan started his MLS career at the old Earthquakes (who, in a 2005 Cleveland Browns/Baltimore Ravens-esque move, are now the Houston Dynamo, with the new Earthquakes an expansion team circa 2008), but they have to get past the Rapids at Colorado for the privilege.

So we have, in the West, overall #1 Galaxy facing off against overall #5 FC Dallas at the Los Angeles Home Depot Center (actually Carson City, annoyingly), and #8 overall San Jose looking for another huge upset at #7 overall Colorado Rapids.

"Eastern" conference finals are Saturday 9:30p EDT, on FSC/FSE (haha, it's on FSE but not FSW, even thought it's two Western teams!).

Western conference finals are Sunday 9:00p EDT, ESPN2/Deportes (I might watch it on Deportes, just for fun. And also because Alexi Lalas is freaking annoying). I imagine it's going to be slightly harder for me to flip betwee Walking Dead and the Galaxy game this coming Sunday.

Monday, November 8, 2010

The Political Culture of Professional Sports

Fall is in the air, and that means chill nights, pumpkin ubiquity, and legions of weekend football widows. It also means the crowning of champions in the two sports most dear to the American intellectual: politics and baseball.

On occasion, those last two have more in common than just seasonal alignment and the fascination of the chattering classes. For me, as a New England native, the greatest sports moment in my lifetime was the Red Sox’ improbable journey to the 2004 World Series championship. The natural effect of that historic achievement was to unify Sox fans and underdog-supporters everywhere. But that effect was quickly undermined by that fall’s polarizing presidential election. Indeed, the champagne and light beer had barely dried off the clubhouse walls before the Red Sox’ historic triumph was exploited for political gain. Within days of the clinching game, owner John Henry, chairman Tom Werner and general manager Theo Epstein appeared at a New Hampshire campaign rally for Democratic challenger John Kerry. Meanwhile, hobbled hero Curt Schilling made robocalls in several states for incumbent Republican George W. Bush.

This was a far cry from the political boldness of Muhammad Ali declaring, “My enemy is the White people, not the Viet Cong," or Tommie Smith and John Carlos raising black-gloved fists in the Black Panther salute on the medal podium at the 1968 Olympics.

Yet, it was far more overtly political than my generation was used to. Professional sports was apolitical as we grew up with it, through the Reagan Revolution, Clinton triangulation, and even the ascent of former Rangers owner George W. Bush. The rare openly political act, such as Carlos Delgado’s protest against the U.S. invasion of Iraq, came as a surprise (and led some to boo). The professional sports we grew up on was also rapidly monetized, as the buds of 24-hour cable sports, free agency, and mega-endorsements began to bloom.

Given the concurrence of pro sports’ monetization and depoliticization, it is easy to infer a causal relationship. As Michael Jordan famously demurred, when asked to support a civil rights leader’s challenge to Republican lion Jesse Helms, in Jordan’s home state of North Carolina: “Republicans buy shoes, too.”

This might explain the political exploitation of the Red Sox championship, at least in part. Schilling was not only notoriously outspoken, he also had a contract that would take him through his 40th birthday and into retirement. Henry, Werner and Epstein were supporting one of their team’s U.S. senators, someone who lacked the diehard Sox fandom common to most New Englanders (remember “Manny Ortez”?) but was nonetheless a valuable political ally for the ambitious ownership group. Just as importantly, they were opposing a hard-right candidate in Bush who had become persona non grata in left-leaning New England—conflict with the Bush White House prompted centrist senator Jim Jeffords, who came from a long line of Republican politicians, to leave the party. In fact, New Hampshire was the only state that had gone for Bush in 2000 but went against him in 2004.

However, the Jordan rationale is almost certainly inadequate to explain major sports figures’ lack of political engagement. While Schilling was recording robo-calls for the 2004 presidential campaign stretch-run, his peers remained largely on the sidelines. Not only did they not make public endorsements, they kept their wallets closed. In the hotly contested 2004 presidential campaign, pro athletes in baseball, basketball, football, hockey, golf and car racing gave a grand total of just $55,950. (Owners and sports commissioners, far fewer in number, gave over six times that amount.) Even Obama’s historic campaign did not inspire many athletes, Black or otherwise, to engage politically.

Another common explanation is that modern sports professionals have little time or interest for much besides their work. Former Democratic U.S. congressman Tom McMillen—who nearly won an Olympic basketball gold medal and played with Phil Jackson and (fellow Rhodes Scholar) Bill Bradley on the 1977 Knicks—theorizes that pro athletes tend towards “self-absorption.”
Perhaps, then, it is not merely good business to stay out of politics publicly. Political apathy, it seems, is ingrained in pro sports culture. This may largely be a product of the social and economic isolation of pro athletes. Jets linebacker Bart Scott suggests that athletes either simply do not think about politics or “feel they are too rich for anything to touch them.”

The image-consciousness and insularity theories are supported by retired pro athletes’ increased willingness to take publicly political positions. For example, of the pro athletes who have recently endorsed a presidential candidate, the vast majority have been retired or on the verge thereof. In fact, even Michael Jordan, the protypical apolitical, but now retired, gave $2,100 to Obama's presidential campaign coffers. Moreover, many retired pro athletes leverage their broad name recognition into political careers (sure beats selling insurance or used cars!).

Interestingly, when professional athletes and other prominent sports figures do act politically, they overwhelmingly tend to hew to the right, a la Schilling. Of the money given by pro athletes and coaches to presidential candidates during the 2004 cycle, over 80% went to Bush. Although Obama came closer to McCain in his victorious 2008 campaign, he still trailed by a large margin.Meanwhile, pro athletes who go into politics as a second career overwhelmingly do so as Republicans, from AFL MVP and vice-presidential candidate Jack Kemp to baseball Hall of Famer and longtime U.S. Senator Jim Bunning. Last Tuesday, former NBA-er Chris Dudley was nearly voted governor of Oregon and former NFL-er Jon Runyan became the latest New Jersey representative in Congress (where he will dwarf everyone, even Rep. Heath Shuler). Moreover, to the extent current athletes and other sports figures are politically active, they tend to support Republicans. For example, Tony LaRussa and Albert Pujols made headlines recently for attending Glen Beck’s Rally to Restore Honor on the mall in Washington, DC. And, in fact, most sports fans identify as Republican (though their generally high voter turnout is at odds with pro athletes’ apparent tendency towards political apathy).


Why is this? One theory along those lines, advanced during George W. Bush’s second term, is that athletes (and perhaps sports fans by extension) favor “winners.” Of course, that theory rings hollow in 2010, when both parties are internally divided and viewed unfavorably by the public. But the eye to sports culture may be true.

As with their apathy, athletes’ rightward lean probably has some basis in individualistic, selfish motivation. They are wealthy and Republicans tend to advocate for tax cuts. But most sports fans (or voters) are not rich, yet they still lean right (and have high voter turnout). That is to say, the entire axis of the sports world tilts right.

There is a noteable exception, however: the NBA. The Association has produced prominent Democrats such as former U.S. senator and presidential candidate Bill Bradley and Detroit mayor David Bing, as well as leftwing activist Adonal Foyle, who founded Democracy Matters. In the 2008 election, President Obama had the support of former NBA greats Magic Johnson, Patrick Ewing, Alonzo Mourning, Charles Barkley and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. He even benefited from a $20,000 contribution to the DNC White House Victory Fund by Lebron James, Jordan’s “air apparent” as shoe-shilling king. And NBA fans, unlike fans of other major sports, skew left themselves. This seems appropriate, given that Obama is our first basketball president (and first Democrat sports president) following hunting president Teddy Roosevelt, bowling president Richard Nixon, football president Gerald Ford, and baseball presidents George H.W. Bush (played at Yale) and George W. Bush (gave us the greatest first pitch in history).
So, it seems that community and context has a large role to play in the political identity of athletes and fans. Former major league catcher, Brian Johnson (who is openly liberal) opines that the overwhelming majority of baseball players are conservative Republicans because of the expectations of their peers and their families. His argument is of course perfectly intuitive. But if it is about the social norms, where do they come from (and why is the NBA unique)? That is a question for another day, a tough one probably irreducible to any one factor such as income, religion or education. It is a question I am pondering as I make my way through Identity Economics, a thought provoking contribution to behavioral economics by Nobel-laureate George Akerlof and protégé Rachel Kranton. Perhaps the punditocracy will come up with an answer as it divides the electorate into ever-smaller categories. From the same folks who gave you NASCAR dads—NFL practice-squad-linebacker oenophiles!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Josh Smith shaves his legs

Ok, this is weird. Josh Smith, aka J. Smoove, blocks shots and jumps passing lanes, apparently, due to his "smoove" legs... which he shaves. That fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a second is what keeps Atlanta Hawks star Josh Smith from regular posterization.



I tend to run a few seconds to a few minutes late for meetings. Any recommendations, Mr. Smoove?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Random NBA Notes

Prime quotes tonight, best taken out of context:

From NBA Countdown, Jalen Rose said "don't sleep on the triangle." This is best taken out of context.

Why do Hubie Brown and Doris Burke both talk out of the same side of their mouths?
This needs a punchline.

Does anyone else want to see Rondo break Scott Skiles's record of 30 assists in a game tonight when the Celtics take on the Bucks at the Garden? Paul Pierce needs a big game to reach the 20,000 point mark. If the Celtics weren't so interested in winning, I'd expect Rondo to Pierce all night until they both broke their personal records.

That John Wall kid is pretty good. If only the Wizards had someone solid on the post.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

R.I.P., Maurice Lucas

Maurice Lucas passed away on Halloween from cancer. He was the odd combination of enforcer and scorer for the Blazers' 1977 Championship team, in his first year in the NBA. He joined the NBA in the ABA Dispersal Draft in 1976, which occurred after the ABA-NBA merger, and was how the NBA dealt with the two teams (Kentucky Colonels and Spirits of St. Louis) that did not make it into the NBA but had not folded prior to the merger. Artis Gilmore was drafted first. His teammate, and prior adversary, Lucas, was drafted second by the Portland Trail Blazers (after Portland traded Geoff Petrie and Steve Hawes - yes, Spencer's uncle - to Atlanta). Lucas had cemented his reputation as an enforcer in the ABA:
"I covered the Kentucky Colonels for the Louisville Times and they're as much a part of my happiest days as my family. One memory that stands out: One night at Freedom Hall, Maurice Lucas of the Spirits got under Artis Gilmore's skin. Artis, normally the most gentle of giants, started trying to punch Lucas. Artis had superhuman strength, but he wasn't much of a boxer. His blows were almost slaps. Lucas, one of the league's most feared fighters, backpedaled the length of the court. When he got to the baseline, he planted his feet and hit Artis with a straight right to the jaw. Artis went down in sections. First his knees crumpled, then his waist folded, then his arms flailed and then his trunk and head found the floor. By then, teammates had broken up the fight. Those who knew Artis were shocked and saddened, not that Artis had lost a fight but that he had even been in one. His agent, Herb Rudoy, flew in from Chicago to soothe the big guy's psyche. You know the rest. The Big A got over it and Lucas eventually became a Colonel, too. " - George Rorrer

Jack Ramsay, Portland's coach, loved this about Lucas:
Luke had acquired a tough-guy reputation when he decked 7-foot-2 strongman Artis Gilmore with one punch in an ABA game before both became NBA players. I urged him to establish that same persona in the NBA. Luke loved the role. He had every Blazer's back. If an opposing player had a problem with any Blazer, he had to deal with Luke first.

He was especially protective of Bill Walton, whom he called "Big Red."

In Game 2 of the 1977 Finals, Lucas arguably turned the momentum in Portland's favor against an extraordinarily talented Sixers squad. The Sixers featured Joe Bryant (Kobe's dad), Julius Erving, Doug Collins (now the Sixers' coach), Mike Dunleavy (Mike Dunleavy, Jr.'s dad and eventual coach of the Blazers, and, ignominiously, the Clippers), Henry Bibby (Mike Bibby's dad), Darryl "Chocolate Thunder" Dawkins, and World B. Free. The Blazers had just experienced their first winning season and were coming off a 4-0 sweep of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's Lakers in the Western Conference Finals. The Sixers held home court advantage and beat the Blazers in Game 1, 107-101. Late in Game 2, Philadelphia held on to a comfortable lead when Dawkins and Bob Gross became entangled going for a rebound. They ended up on the floor. Both popped up ready to fight. Dawkins had a good five inches on Gross. Then, Lucas stepped in.


Lucas and Dawkins were ejected but Portland won the next four games en route to their only title after that little momentum swing.



The following year, Portland started out 50-10 until being crushed by injuries - and were particularly hurt by the loss of Bill Walton. Lucas missed some games as well. Eventually, during the 1979-1980 season, he was traded. Halberstam covers Luke's frustrations, charm, and loyalty from that season in "The Breaks of the Game."

The rest of Luke's career played out across the league with stops in Phoenix, Los Angeles (Lakers), and New York. He averaged, over 14 years, 14.6 points, 9.1 boards, and 2.4 assists - solid statistics, no doubt. But statistics fail to account for the intangibles, like his protection of teammates and their love of him. For that, one must look to anecdotes.

Marquette teammate Bo Ellis:
"One of the things I'll always remember, when he came back to town after he decided that he was going to go hardship [leaving college for pro ball], he came to me and he hugged me and he apologized to me," Ellis said. "He said, 'Slim, I'm sorry. I talked you into coming to Marquette because I said we were going to win a championship together, and I'm leaving.'"

And this:
"He was a prolific presence on court as far as being an enforcer, but off the court he was just like a big teddy bear," said Dave Delsman, who played three seasons with Lucas. "Luke was just a class guy. Quiet, but would talk to you about anything. He was great to everybody. I don't ever remember anybody ever having a bad thing to say about Maurice."

But there's no more telling testament to Maurice Lucas than that of Bill Walton naming his son Luke after his friend and teammate.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Blake Griffin is the TRUTH

Of the basketball heads I know, only a handful were not watching the World Series opener. Many missed out on the debut of Blake Griffin. Here's what went down if you were watching ESPN. Oklahoma City put the finishing touches on a hard fought victory over Chicago. The Bulls had two or three bad calls against them, but playing 2.5 on 4 is just not going to win games. The 2.5? Derrick Rose, Joakim Noah (what a defensive performance), and half of Taj Gibson. The Thunder had Ibaka, Durant, Sefolosha's defense, and Westbrook. Game ends. Thunder win. Durant gives a brief post-game interview and says nice things about Derrick Rose.

The Clippers game comes on. It's about three minutes in and (I think) Hubie Brown says something about how it has not been an entertaining game. Just after this, Randy Foye puts up what at first looks like a terrible shot and Blake Griffin goes up. Griffin snags the ball probably 15 inches above the basket with his right hand and slams it in with what can best be described as almighty fury. This basket is Blake Griffin's first in the NBA. Over the next few minutes, he put on a display with Chris Kaman of thunderous jam after thunderous jam. Griffin's first NBA basket actually made me yell "oh shit!" in my apartment so loudly that I may have woken my neighbors in nearby buildings.

Witness:


The Clippers went on to lose, despite Griffin's might on the offensive glass and his twenty points. Why did the Clippers lose? Well, they aren't nearly as deep as the Blazers. Further, Baron Davis takes bad shots early in the shot clock. Vinnie Del Negro is probably not the kind of coach who can rein Davis in - if he tries, Davis will likely pout and shut down. Baron Davis is the life and death of this Clippers team... which is too bad, because the Clips could have a shot at the playoffs.

At least we'll get to witness the almighty fury of Blake Griffin.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

NHL Center Ice Sneak Preview

If you are a die-hard hockey fan [who subscribes to Comcast, Time Warner Cable, Cox Communications, Bright House Networks, Cablevision Systems, Bresnan Communications, Charter Communications, Midcontinent and Verizon FiOS, or a number of independent affiliates] you have probably already tuned into the Center Ice Package preview. If you're a casual fan this may have slipped by you, but not to worry - you can still watch free hockey through this weekend!

The Center Ice package is a wonderful thing, but if you're only a fan of the home team, it may not be worth nearly $200. Games that are broadcast locally are blacked out from the NHL Center Ice channels so that they don't compete with local markets. If you happen to be, say a Washington Capitals fan who lives in Texas, this is a great way to watch your team. If you are like me and you will watch any hockey game, regardless of the teams playing [I drove halfway across the country to watch the Quad City Mallards play the Adirondack Ice Hawks and I'm damn proud of it] the free preview weekend is a great way to watch a lot of hockey. Sometimes it's hard for a Caps fan to know who to cheer for [Vancouver Canucks or Minnesota Wild? Luongo or Niemi?] but the beauty is, sometimes you don't have to pick a side, you can just appreciate hockey for the beauty of the sport. Other times, like last night, you get a heads up on who the next NHL player to get a suspension is going to be.





Obviously that is the broadcast from Vancouver, as one can tell from the announcers' support of these fans being thrown out. The Minnesota broadcasters had this reaction:




With Center Ice, you can watch them all. For the record, Minnesota has it right. The fan was probably being a douchebag, but it does not warrant having a professional athlete yank him out of the stands into the tunnel. Look for the NHL to hand down a punishment very soon. Canucks: This is seriously uncool. Center Ice free preview: I am in love with you.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

PIF: Week Five Results


Dear Football Fans,

I am officially teetotaling for the rest of the season. Why, you might ask? Because my beloved Redskins are 3-0 when I abstain from confidence juice, 0-2 when I imbibe during the game. Yes, while vacationing in Puerto Rico, I watched professional football at a bar and did not drink a drop during the game. Yes, my last name is still Murphy. So for the record, here's what happened while I was on siesta:

Prediction: BILLS 24, JAGUARS 21 ***WEEK FIVE MISERA-BOWL***
Result: JAGUARS 36, BILLS 26
Its a matter of time before these teams are the Los Angeles Jaguars and the Toronto Bills. A matter of time.

Prediction: RAVENS 17, BRONCOS 10
Result: RAVENS 31, BRONCOS 17
I really want to like the Ravens. They're right up the street from DC, they play good old fashioned hard nosed football, and they are fun to watch. But the fans are such colossal rejects that I perish the thought of donning purple camouflage pants and sitting under a freeway overpass to tailgate a game.

Prediction: CHIEFS 31, COLTS 24 ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
Result: COLTS 19, CHIEFS 9
Fans, I have to apologize. This was in no way a game of the week. This game sucked worse than the Indianapolis night life. During football offseason.

Prediction: REDSKINS 24, PACKERS 23
Result: REDSKINS 16, PACKERS 13 (OT)
See what happens when you don't drink? Your team beats a team they haven't beaten in 22 years. This is the fourth game in five that the Redskins have seen decided on the very last play. Because they hate their fans and they want them all to die of coronaries.

Prediction: LIONS 31, RAMS 24
Result: LIONS 44, RAMS 6
Holy urban blight! You never get the expected when the two worst teams in the two worst cities in America face off. As I write this sentence, 200 more people are moving out of each of these cities.

Prediction: BEARS 20, PANTHERS 7
Result: BEARS 23, PANTHERS 6
I love it when I just nail one of these. See that? That is a work of art. I pulled that prediction out of my ass while sitting in the Fort Lauderdale Airport. Top that.

Prediction: BENGALS 40, BUCCANEERS 10 ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***
Result: BUCCANEERS 24, BENGALS 21
Hey, what do you want? I picked these games while sitting in the Fort Lauderdale Airport.

Prediction: BROWNS 16, FALCONS 13
Result: FALCONS 20, BROWNS 10
This has nothing to do with this game, but Toyota Truck commercials sound like they are narrated by John Goodman's creepy uncle. It's 2010, gas is 4 bucks a gallon. Nobody drives trucks anymore except for new money rednecks. Quit marketing them like they're some proletariat's tool. Nobody uses them to haul lumber or tow loads of rocks, they use them to compensate for their numerous shortcomings as human beings or tailgate. John Goodman's creepy uncle isn't going to make me want to purchase one.

Prediction: TEXANS 24, GIANTS 20
Result: GIANTS 34, TEXANS 10
Hakeem Nicks had a career day catching 12 passes for 130 yards and 2 TDs. It was pretty bad ass.

Prediction: SAINTS 38, CARDINALS 29
Result: CARDINALS 30, SAINTS 20
The Cards pulled this one off without scoring a single touchdown on offense. Three defensive touchdowns. I hope QB Max Hall, who made his first ever start, bought everyone on his defense a steak and lobster meal after this one.

Prediction: TITANS 21, COWBOYS 9
Result: TITANS 34, COWBOYS 27
People are still buzzing about the Cowboys. They're 1-3. Every other team in their traditionally difficult division is 3-2. Tony Romo is poisoning that team with his goofy little Polish-Mexican smile. He's a gimmick and he will die alone, unloved.

Prediction: CHARGERS 30, RAIDERS 19
Result: RAIDERS 35, CHARGERS 27
The Raiders had 9 points on blocked punts alone, which proved to be the margin of victory. Jason Campbell relieved Bruce Gradkowski after he went 1 of 7 passing. Getting yanked for Jason Campbell is like getting dumped for a civil war reenactor: it's embarrassing, and it's only done by someone who has completely given up on their future.

Prediction: 49ERS 23, EAGLES 13
Result: EAGLES 27, 49ERS 24
49ers owner Jed York declared that San Francisco will win the NFC West despite starting the season 0-5. No pressure, though. You're the only team in your division that hasn't made the Super Bowl in the last 10 years, and you're one of only two teams in the NFC that is still winless. 

Prediction: JETS 21, VIKINGS 19 ***MNF***
Result: JETS 29, VIKINGS 20
You know, two Prime Time games being delayed on a count of rain is just not football-like. Maybe they should have put a lid on that monstrosity in New Jersey so those whiny Jets fans won't have to bitch about standing in the rain.

WEEKLY AWARDS
Rookie of the Week: Bucs WR Mike Williams caught 7 for 99 and a touchdown in Tampa's win
Surprise Player of the Week: Lions QB Shaun Hill throwing for 227 yards and three TDs with no interceptions led the Lions to their first victory in ten games
Tough Guy of the Week: Redskins S LaRon Landry
Terrell Owens Memorial Asshole of the Week: Brett Favre for this ridiculous sexual harassment scandal
Bust of the Week: Cardinals RB Beanie Wells had 20 carries for a paltry 35 yards
Celebration of the Week: Marc Colombo falling down during a football dance, which cost his team 15 yards because touchdown dances can't involve players being on the ground.
Special Teams Player of the Week: Raiders RB Rock Cartwright blocked a punt for a safety against the Chargers
Defensive Player of the Week: The entire Arizona Cardinals defense, which facilitated beating the Saints without the offense scoring a touchdown
Offensive Player of the Week: Chicago RB Matt Forte had 166 yards and two touchdowns to lead the Bears to victory over Carolina
Stick a Fork In: The San Francisco 49ers, again; Bruce Gradkowski; The entire city of Dallas
This Week: 6-8
Last Week: 7-7
Season: 37-38-1

So sorry I took a week off, it needed to happen. If I can't relax and enjoy myself once in a while, well, I shouldn't be doing Politically Incorrect Football anymore, should I? I probably shouldn't be anyway. I've seen more people take interest in slam poetry competitions in Mississippi. But whatever. You keep losing money betting on my picks, I'll keep making horrible predictions. See you Thursday for the predictions.

Your pal,

~~~Davemurphy

Thursday, October 7, 2010

PIF: Week Five Predictions (Abridged)

Dear Fans,

I know what you're thinking: That asshole never did the results! I bet it's because he had such a shitty week of picks! Well, you're half right. I never did the results because I normally do them while watching Monday Night Football, but this past Monday I was at Sun Life Stadium watching the Dolphins implode against the Patriots. And I've determined that Pats fans are somewhere at the bottom of the food chain between protozoans and Ravens fans.

This week, I'm lax on the analysis because I am travelling. but no worries, I will be back Monday doing what I do best: recounting mistakes I've made. And since I'm stuck in the airport with free wifi, here's the picks for the record. Placing cash wagers based on these picks without the expressed written consent of Davemurphy, JB Sports Chat, and the National Football League is strictly forbidden.

BILLS 24, JAGUARS 21 ***WEEK FIVE MISERA-BOWL***
RAVENS 17, BRONCOS 10
CHIEFS 31, COLTS 24 ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
REDSKINS 24, PACKERS 23 ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***
LIONS 31, RAMS 24
BEARS 20, PANTHERS 7
BENGALS 40, BUCCANEERS 10 ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***
BROWNS 16, FALCONS 13
TEXANS 24, GIANTS 20
SAINTS 38, CARDINALS 29
TITANS 21, COWBOYS 9
CHARGERS 30, RAIDERS 19
49ERS 23, EAGLES 13
JETS 21, VIKINGS 19 ***MNF***

As long as I'm on here, allow me to impart this bit of knowledge on you: Spirit Airlines fucking sucks. Don't ever fly Spirit Airlines.

Last Week: 7-7
Season: 31-30-1

This week I'll be watching the game at whatever bar I can find that plays it. I'll be in sunny San Juan, Puerto Rico. Here's hoping they have futbol americano on the television. If you must know, Chrisco and I are going on a mancation together.

Your favorite something,

Davemurphy

Friday, October 1, 2010

PIF: NFL Week Four Predictions

Dear Gridiron Connoisseurs,

This is a very important week. Week Four always is. Week Four is when the byes start. Four teams will not play this week. Which is good, I was getting pretty damn sick of Dallas and their stinky face. And ugh, Minnesota and all that Brett Favre nonsense. And EVERYONE hates Tampa. Ugh. Kansas City I'll miss this week though. Today I took a personal bye, staying home from work with a bit of headache and nausea. It's the first sick day I've taken in eons. So of course, they were giving free baseball tickets at work. For tonight's game. And I'm sick. Whatever, I'll just pick some football games. Instead of going to a baseball game. For free. If you bet actual money based on these predictions, you will get a urinary tract infection. Here goes:

49ERS (0-3) at FALCONS (2-1)
Let's face it, the 9ers have to win this game. That's good enough for me.
49ERS 20, FALCONS 17


BENGALS (2-1) at BROWNS (0-3) ***OHIO BOWL PART ONE***
Everyone's favorite all-American state pits its practically-Kentucky, crime ridden, blighted southern city of Cincinnati against its Rust Belt, hollowed out, blighted northern city against each other. Neither team has ever won the Super Bowl, both teams have spent most of the last two decades in the basement of the league. Hell, Cleveland wasn't even in the league four of those years.
BENGALS 19, BROWNS 11


JETS (2-1) at BILLS (0-3)
God. Imagine you're one of my cousins in Buffalo. You're 0-3. Your quarterback went to Harvard, which is great if he's your lawyer, but they're not exactly a quarterback factory over there. You have three potential Super Bowl teams in your division. You have thirteen more Chan Gailey-coached games to look forward to, the end of which you will find yourself in the midst of the worst winter in the continental US. Oh, and you live in Buffalo.
JETS 24, BILLS 10


SEAHAWKS (2-1) at RAMS (1-2) ***WEEK FOUR MISERA-BOWL***
Even though he is coming off of his first win, #1 draft pick Sam Bradford is slowly realizing that not only does he play for the Rams, but he now lives in Saint Louis.
SEAHAWKS 27, RAMS 17


BRONCOS (1-2) at TITANS (2-1)
When your best player is Brandon Lloyd, you have a problem. When your third string quarterback is selling more jerseys than your starting quarterback, you have a problem. When your rushing game is weaker than the structural foundation of any building in Port-au-Prince, you have a problem. When you have these three problems, you're the Denver Broncos. And yes, I made a Haiti joke.
TITANS 37, BRONCOS 14


LIONS (0-3) at PACKERS (2-1) ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***
Detroit doesn't stand a chance. And they'll lose this football game, too.
PACKERS 51, LIONS 28


RAVENS (2-1) at STEELERS (3-0) 
These two teams hate each other. But the Ravens have the best pass defense in the league right now, and I'm pretty sure the Steelers are on like their seventh string at quarterback. In fact, I'm pretty sure my sister is their back up quarterback. This game will be won on the ground, my friends.
STEELERS 17, RAVENS 13


PANTHERS (1-2) at SAINTS (2-1)
I love it when these two teams play each other because across the bottom of the screen where they put the score, it says "NO CAR",
SAINTS 27, PANTHERS 17


COLTS (2-1) at JAGUARS (1-2)
It's buy one ticket get the rest of the section free week at EverBank Field. God, what an awful name for a stadium. Don't watch this game, Jacksonville is embarrassing.
COLTS 31, JAGUARS 19


TEXANS (2-1) at RAIDERS (1-2)
The Raiders are like the friend at the party that drinks too much but you have to invite him because he's part of the gang and then he throws up on the girl you're hitting on.
TEXANS 21, RAIDERS 10


REDSKINS (1-2) at EAGLES (2-1) ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
Donovan McNabb goes back to the city that threw him away like an empty can of Cambell's Chunky Soup (tm). If you're rooting for the Philadelphia Eagles this week, you're a douchebag. Or an Eagles fan. Not quite sure which is worse.
REDSKINS 21, EAGLES 14


CARDINALS (2-1) at CHARGERS (1-2)
Yup.
CHARGERS 24, CARDINALS 21


BEARS (3-0) at GIANTS (1-2) ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***
These are two of the oldest and most storied franchises in the NFL. Two of the most storied cities in America. And it will be played in the newest stadium in the league. A little anti-climactic, don't you think?
GIANTS 26, BEARS 21


PATRIOTS (2-1) at DOLPHINS (2-1)
Yours truly will actually be attending this game. This will be my first ever non-Redskins NFL game. I just couldn't turn down an opportunity to heckle Patriots fans from a safe environment.
DOLPHINS 27, PATRIOTS 20

Last Week: 7-8-1
Season: 24-23-1

This week I'll be spreading the Redskins love up the coast a little and I will not be at Mike's. Where are you watching the games this week? A townie bar? Your living room? The stadium? Your jail cell? Leave a comment and share! Best comment will be sent all of my Farmville gifts for the next week. Just kidding, I don't play Farmville, and I probably don't want to be Facebooks friends with the kind of person that reads a sports blog. Losers.

But seriously, hope you're watching with good people in a good place drinking good beer. It's a good week for football. See you Tuesday with the results.

Your Prognosticator Extraordinaire,

Davemurphy

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

PIF: Week Three Results

Hello again football fans,

Ah, here's my old friend. This fellow to my left has been watching over Politically Incorrect Football since 2005. Many ignorant rednecks who do not know any better might think this guy is an Arab Muslim, but in fact he is a Sikh of Indian descent. It's possible that by the time I die, there could be two BILLION Indians on earth. My goal is to recruit all of them to become Redskins fans, and this good man ought to be their role model.

I recovered a little bit this week, but ugh, what a tough week to watch. Fortunately, several friends were made at the sports pub this week, and commiseration ensued. Lots of commiseration. Here's how it went:

Prediction: GIANTS 35, TITANS 24
Result: TITANS 29, GIANTS 10
This was just a bad pick. I swear, I'm losing my touch in my old age. I apologize, football fans.

Prediction: BENGALS 20, PANTHERS 10
Result: BENGALS 20, PANTHERS 7
Nailed it. Jimmy Clausen, however, did not nail his debut.

Prediction: STEELERS 26, BUCCANEERS 3
Result: STEELERS 38, BUCCANEERS 13
Pittsburgh continues to scrape the bottom of the barrel for quarterbacks who can give the people of Pittsburgh something to cheer about from the bottom of their black lungs. The Buccaneers are as exposed like so many University of South Florida women paying their way through grad school.

Prediction: PATRIOTS 47, BILLS 10 ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***
Result: PATRIOTS 38, BILLS 30
I watched this game with a Patriots fan. So he knew who Danny Woodhead was. He pointed him out to me. Danny Woodhead is from North Platte, NE. He is splitting time at running back for the Patriots. And he is white as the south side of a Russian's tan line. A white running back. Who starts. At running back. Named Woodhead.

Prediction: BROWNS 13, RAVENS 10
Result: RAVENS 24, BROWNS 17
I'm giving myself a tie for this one. I knew the Browns were going to lose. But what was heartwarming about this game was Browns RB Peyton Hillis, who ran for 144 and a TD. White guy. Not making that up. He is a white running back. Not a fullback, a running back. Ironically playing for the Browns.

Prediction: CHIEFS 21, 49ERS 17
Result: CHIEFS, 49ERS 10
The Chiefs are one of two undefeated teams left in the AFC. If you saw that coming you A) have a last name that rhymes with "schmostradamus", B) own a modified DeLorean, or C) are a homer from Kansas City. If you predicted them to beat the 49ers, you're almost as awesome as I am. And by awesome I mean lonely.

Prediction: TEXANS 42, COWBOYS 21
Result: COWBOYS 27, TEXANS 13
Screw it, I really don't feel like talking about Texas right now.

Prediction: LIONS 22, VIKINGS 18 ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***
Result: VIKINGS 24, LIONS 10
Tuning in to watch the Lions win a game is harder than trying to find a job with a successful start-up business in Detroit. 

Prediction: SAINTS 24, FALCONS 20 ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
Result: FALCONS 27, SAINTS 24 (OT)
Around halftime, some douchebag bandwagon Saints fan barges into the pub and complains that the Saints game isn't on any of the TVs. And of course, he kept screaming "WHO DAT" every time Drew Brees completed a one yard pass. Now, my dear fans, I rarely root against the Saints. And I never root for the Falcons. But this guy changed all that. Needless to say, when the Saints blocked the FG in overtime, we were chanting "Who dat call a time out to ice the kicker?"

Prediction: REDSKINS 31, RAMS 13
Result: RAMS 30, REDSKINS 16
Of the Rams' whopping seven wins in the last 3+ seasons, two of them are against the Redskins. That is your-mother-is-Courtney-Love embarrassing.

Prediction: EAGLES 23, JAGUARS 14
Result: EAGLES 28, JAGUARS 3
Was ANYONE at this game? Anyone? I've got a challenge for you. If you were at this game and you can prove it, I'll give you my car. Seriously.I'm not worried though, because NOBODY was at this game. And I don't actually own a car, but that's beside the point.

Prediction: COLTS 28, BRONCOS 7
Result: COLTS 27, BRONCOS 13
Nothing surprising here. Peyton Manning, three touchdowns. Move along.

Prediction: CARDINALS 20, RAIDERS 15 ***WEEK THREE MISERA-BOWL***
Result: CARDINALS 24, RAIDERS 23
If you watched this game, you'll never get those three hours of your life back. But chances are you live in Phoenix or Oakland, in which case the faster you can make the time fly byu towards sweet, sweet death, the better I suppose.

Prediction: CHARGERS 23, SEAHAWKS 14
Result: SEAHAWKS 27, CHARGERS 20
Pete Carroll is bringing a bit of life to the Pacific Northwest. Seahawks fans are coming out of the woodwork. And there's a lot of woods up there. I heard Sasquatch now owns a Lofa Tatupu jersey. But then I heard that Lofa Tatupu IS Sasquatch.

Prediction: DOLPHINS 19, JETS 17
Result: JETS 31, DOLPHINS 23
Jimmy and Joe flew from New York City down here to Miami to see the game. While at the bar, they bought several rounds of drinks for the two Patriots fans there with us. Their good karma was rewarded with an excellent game and a Jets win. If I teach you one thing, my dear football fans, it's that football fan karma does exist, and it's why the Philadelphia Eagles haven't won the Super Bowl.

Prediction: PACKERS 38, BEARS 35
Result: BEARS 20, PACKERS 17Another white guy at running back. And folks, when I decided to bring back Politically Incorrect Football this season, I promised myself I'd tone down the racial jokes. But come on... a white running back named Kuhn? Well, that joke writes itself.

Rookie of the Week: (tie) Patriots TE duo Aaron Hernandez and Rob Gronkowski are turning into Tom Brady's favorite targets.
Surprise Player of the Week: Three, count them, three white tailbacks are either starting or splitting time: Browns' Peyton Hillis, Patriots' Danny Woodhead, and Packers' John Kuhn.
Tough Guy of the Week: Titans LB Stephen Tulloch racked up 13 tackles in the win over the Giants
Terrell Owens Memorial Asshole of the Week: The jackasses at the pub who stole some of Chrisco's beer and then tried to eat my chicken wings. Come on, man, really?
Bust of the Week: Saints kicker Garret Hartley blows another short kick. His days are numbered.
Celebration of the Week: Saints Fan Guy who thought the Saints blocked an overtime field goal only to find that their coach had called a time out to ice the kicker.
Special Teams Player of the Week: Leon Washington of the Seahawks ran back two kickoffs for touchdowns that made the difference in their win over San Diego
Defensive of the Week: Chiefs' LB Tamba Hali had three sacks and two tackles for losses to help the Chiefs become one of only three undefeated teams left in the league.
Offensive of the Week: Colts WR Austin Collie caught 12 passes for 171 yards and two touchdowns
Stick a Fork In: the San Francisco 49ers 
This Week: 7-8-1
Last Week: 6-10
Season: 24-23-1

And on a somber note, all time NFL Great George Blanda, who played for four teams across four decades, 1949-1976, passed away Monday. Even Brett Favre won't reach pro-football longevity like that. He played with several men who weren't even born his rookie season, and he will be missed. He was 83. 

Next week is a big week with some serious rivalries, so make sure you check back Friday for the goods. Until then, have a good week, and happy football.

Your source for crappy football picks,

Davemurphy

Friday, September 24, 2010

PIF: NFL Week Three Predictions

Dear Football Aficionados,

What say you, football fans? Good season so far? If you answered yes, you're obviously not a Minnesota Vikings fan or Kevin Kolb. But I'd be inclined to agree with you. Something magical happens in the fall. And this being the first week of 2010 NFL football to be played in the fall, I think it will be a magical week. A magical week of football. When sayings like this come out of my mouth, I stop and ask myself why I am still single. Whatever, my week has been shitty enough, let's just get to the predictions. As always, make sure you do not use these picks as the basis for any actual wager involving cash money:

TITANS (1-1) at GIANTS (1-1)
Nashville may be the Paris of the South, but New York is the New York of the world. Unfortunately, Eli Manning isn't the Manning of the Mannings.
Prediction: GIANTS 35, TITANS 24

BENGALS (1-1) at PANTHERS (0-2)
The Cincinnati Bengals saw their quarterback get coddled against the Ravens last week. But the Panthers' QB is still waiting to get signed by the Panthers. Because they don't have a QB right now. Jimmy Clausen doesn't count.
Prediction: BENGALS 20, PANTHERS 10

STEELERS (2-0) at BUCCANEERS (2-0)
The Big-Benless Steelers against the Succaneers? And they're both undefeated? That means at the end of the day, one of them will STILL be undefeated. Next thing you'll tell me is that you know a girl from Tampa who is NOT a stripper!
Prediction: STEELERS 26, BUCCANEERS 3

BILLS (0-2) at PATRIOTS (1-1) ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***
I'd love to think that last week's embarrassment at the hand of the Jets would send the Patriots into a downward spiral, but unfortunately said spiral is currently being blocked by the Buffalo Bills. Apparently this is the only thing they know how to block.
Prediction: PATRIOTS 47, BILLS 10

BROWNS (0-2) at RAVENS (1-1)
I don't care how unlikely it is, I will never pick the Ravens to beat the Browns out of solidarity with the hard working (by that I mean unemployed) people of Cleveland. Baltimore will win this game, but that's not how I'm predicting it, because I pick with my heart, not my head. Probably another reason why I'm still single.
Prediction: BROWNS 13, RAVENS 10

49ERS (0-2) at CHIEFS (2-0)
A lot of people thing SanFran's losing streak and KC's winning streak need to end at 2. I am not one of those people. 
Prediction: CHIEFS 21, 49ERS 17

COWBOYS (0-2) at TEXANS (2-0)
Ibid.
Prediction: TEXANS 42, COWBOYS 21

LIONS (0-2) at VIKINGS (0-2) ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***
The Lions have been close in both of their first two games so far. Luck just hasn't been on their side. Fortunately for them, age is no longer on Brett Favre's side.
Prediction: LIONS 22, VIKINGS 18

FALCONS (1-1) at SAINTS (2-0) ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
Man, remember when these two teams were as irrelevant as the public school systems in their respective cities? It's good they have their priorities straight in the South.
Prediction: SAINTS 24, FALCONS 20

REDSKINS (1-1) at RAMS (0-2)
Apart from #1 pick Sam Bradford at QB and veteran RB Steven Jackson, I have never heard of anyone on the offense of the Saint Louis Rams. I'm pretty sure they outsourced the offensive line to the WWE, and that some college exchange students are playing wide receiver. When your team's two losses are to the Cardinals and Raiders, you know you're in trouble.
Prediction: REDSKINS 31, RAMS 13

EAGLES (1-1) at JAGUARS (1-1)
An estimated 609 people are expected to show up to see this game. The other 34 people in Jacksonville are in Los Angeles seeing if they want to follow their football team out there when they move.
Prediction: EAGLES 23, JAGUARS 14

COLTS (1-1) at BRONCOS (1-1)
Horsies lol
Prediction: COLTS 28, BRONCOS 7

RAIDERS (1-1) at CARDINALS (1-1) ***WEEK THREE MISERA-BOWL***
These teams have a combined 0 wins against teams that aren't the Saint Louis Rams. And what could possibly be a more miserable setting for a Misera-Bowl than Phoenix? If the Sinaloa Cartel doesn't kidnap you, you can get completely sunburnt watching your team crank out another really ugly victory.
Prediction: CARDINALS 20, RAIDERS 15

CHARGERS (1-1) at SEAHAWKS (1-1)
This West Coast battle of who's-for-real will end with one of these two teams making a statement. And this is a good week for San Diego, as other people have already been making statements on behalf of Southern Californians.
Prediction: CHARGERS 23, SEAHAWKS 14

JETS (1-1) at DOLPHINS (2-0)
The morning show I listen to here in Miami is corresponding with a Russian woman who they believe is setting them up for a scam. Instead of using their own pictures, however, they are posing as Jets coach Rex Ryan. If that doesn't make you root for the Dolphins, well, you're just not as much of a fan of insult humor as I am.
Prediction: DOLPHINS 19, JETS 17

PACKERS (2-0) at BEARS (2-0) ***MNF***
Bratwurst. Obesity. Unemployment. Cheap American Beer. Unbearably shitty weather. And Packers vs. Bears. Two of the oldest teams in the NFL, and they're both undefeated. The Lake Michigan Bowl is on Monday Night.
PACKERS 38, BEARS 35

Last Week: 6-10
Season: 17-15

Once again I'll be watching my football at Mike's in the Venetian, harassing Natalie, our fine barkeep. This week I will be reunited with Chrisco, aka Baby Junior, and we will be eating unhealthy food and arguing with other wayward fans miles from their home team. To all of you watching football in your home town this week, be kind to those out of towners that are taking up refuge in your local watering holes to watch their games. They too are kindly people with good souls. Unless they're Cowboys fans. Have a good football week, my friends.

Your Prognosticator,

Davemurphy

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Nicknames Galore: Dallas Mavericks Edition

In response to our first Nicknames Galore post, Miami reader Tim emailed to say
Everyone makes Harold and Kumar jokes about Spoelstra, you should have gone that route. Your lead-up to Arroyo was great, but the nickname has to be something Pueto Rican. Shavlik Randolph's nickname should be cut. James Jones doesn't deserve Double Deuce, he's too plain for a Roadhouse reference. You should call him Vanilla until he adds something to his game. Butler, Beverly and Pittman are begging for some nickname related to their inevitable roles at the end of the bench and as clinger-ons to the big dogs at all the south beach clubs. I feel like some group name is necessary. Depending on how the season plays out calling Chris Bosh the Coattail King or Coattail Champion might be perfect if he rides Dwayne and Lebron to the title...


Now, we turn our love and ire toward the under-performing Dallas Mavericks of Mark Cuban. Countless folks (meaning at least two, but we're too lazy to do the research to figure out who) have said that the Mavs are built for the regular season and not for playoffs. That requires some odd intellectual parsing of what is required of a team playing different teams every night versus grinding it out over a best-of-seven series. Regardless, we're not debunking the Mavs right now. We're just giving them nicknames. Why? Because we can be catty like that.

Alexis Ajinca - What do you call the tall Frenchman who has everything? Weak in the post!

Jose Juan Barea - We want to satisfy our readers (Tim) the way good scotch satisfies all of us here at J.B. Sports Chat. Barea hails from Puerto Rico, so any Desi Arnaz references would be ignorant at best. Tito Puente was far too much of a virtuoso to have his name associated with Barea. Plus, Puente hails from Spanish Harlem. Barea doesn't even warrant a Charlie Palmieri reference - but again, Palmieri was a New Yorker. Instead, we dub Barea "El Colón" in honor of esteemed (in Puerto Rico) Santitos Colón but also because Barea seems to gather all the bad plays he sees while riding the pine and unleashing his impersonation of said plays during garbage time. In other words, El Colon works, too. Yeah, it's obscure, but unless you're a Mavs fan, are you going to recognize Barea if you sit next to him on a plane?



Rodrigue Beaubois - Mark Cuban apparently wants the Mavericks to rival the Raptors in terms of quantity of international players. Beaubois had some breakout moments and apparently has some sort of semi-inaudible form (at least to humans) of communication with Jason Kidd - much like dolphins. His eFG% for dunks? 100%. 85% of his dunks last season were assisted. Can you hear the click-chirp-ehh-ehh noise? For that, and his diminutive stature (ok, he's no Earl Boykins, but dude is only six feet tall), we dub him Le Petit Dauphin. Take that, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.

Speaking of dolphins...


Caron Butler - Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison accepted the goodwill bestowed upon the Wizards during Agent Zero's fall from health and grace. When Arenas returned, Butler became a black hole on offense, but he remained a class act, at least compared to Arenas, Andray Blatche, and DeShawn Stevenson. Maybe this is too easy, but we're going with Wadsworth, despite the Mountain Dew and plastic straws.

Tyson Chandler - Tyson Chandler has never played 82 regular season games. In fact, aside from his first two seasons in New Orleans, he hasn't proven all that spectacular. However, he did just win a gold medal at the FIBA World Championships. Nevertheless, this less than solid replacement for Erick Dampier and now Brendan Haywood receives a nickname. It's not out of love and it's not out of hate, but, after that bizarre non-trade to Oklahoma City, we're going with Big Toe over other possibilities including Number 2, My Left Foot, and Behind Kwame.

Brendan Haywood - The man says what he thinks. Sometimes, he backs it up with violence. Like Chandler, Haywood was drafted behind Kwame Brown. Sadly, Haywood actually had to play on the same team as Kwame where he witnessed firsthand what a horrible choice Michael Jordan made. Simply because Haywood fought his teammate and sometime-poet Etan Thomas (and we find that awesome in the bad decision department), he shall henceforth be known a Brendan Haymaker Haywood.

Dominique Jones - I've spent too much time in Tampa over the last year to handle this with any aplomb, so here's Jason's take: rookie, leading scorer Big East, 25th pick in the 2010 NBA draft by Memphis, traded for $3 million (pennies in the NBA). We have to call him John Odom the man who ACTUALLY got traded for 10 Prairie Sticks Maple Bats, double-dipped black, 34-inch, C243 style? And that is effed up.

Jason Kidd - Old Glory... because he protects old people from robots, obviously.

Ian Mahinmi - Dallas has more French players than anyone else. It's weird. Odder still is that two of them are centers. Even stranger is the fact that Mahinmi has a widely-known interest in cryptozoology, which is the study of nonexistent animals. However, given his penchant for finely made chapeaus, we refer to him during his 6.3 minutes per game as The Haberdasher.

Shawn Marion - It's kind of amazing how Marion's jumpshot is the equivalent of Keanu's acting. The Matrix was a cool nickname when Marion was putting up outlandish stats, but that was when The Matrix didn't seem completely tarnished by the rest of the trilogy. Unfortunately, the name no longer fits. He is now The Matrix Trilogy.

Steve Novak - this San Diego Chargers kicker saved Maryland against Georgia Tech a few years ago. Oh, sorry, Steve Novak? Give it up for White Lightning.



Dirk Nowitzki - here's Jason's take: Simon Gruber. Dirk is like the big bad guy in Die Hard: With a Vengeance. German, super cool, big, blond and imposing, seems to be unbeatable in the beginning, but somehow loses to the pesky John McClane (a.k.a. D-Wade). Can’t you just see D-Wade at the end of game 6 of the 2006 finals turning to Dirk and saying: "Yippie-Kai-Yay motherfucker?"

DeShawn Stevenson - Interrobang. That's this: ‽. Abe Lincoln tattoo. Backwards P tattoo. I think we're going to circle back to a full post on the ridiculousness that is DeShawn.



Jason Terry - WILDCAT.



Tim Thomas - Journey. Sing the Journey catalog to yourself. Its inconsistencies match up perfectly with the formerly-occasionally-clutch player's play.

Rick Carlisle - you know that scene in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan when Shatner yells "Khaaaaan!" after Ricardo Montalbán has activated the Genesis Device? I think Rick Carlisle feels the same way about Larry Brown. Call him Captain Kirk to impress your friends.

Where Amazing Happens in American History X

Free Darko can do a much better deconstruction of this than me. I'll just say that it's inappropriate and hilarious.

Monday, September 20, 2010

PIF: Week Two Results

Helmet throwing. Quarterback hating. Heart breaking. Week Two had it all and more. The flukes were separated from the not-so-flukes. And I put on at least three pounds thanks to the chicken wings at Mike's at the Venetia. I know no one reading this is in Florida, but I'm plugging it anyway. So I forgot my usual disclaimer, but I hope none of you used my picks as the basis for any actual cash wager. Here's how it all went down.


Prediction: PACKERS 31, BILLS 7
Result: PACKERS 34, BILLS 7
Wow, hit the nail right on the head with that one, didn't I? Trent Edwards is playing like someone hit a nail into his head.

Prediction: VIKINGS 20, DOLPHINS 13
Result: DOLPHINS 14, VIKINGS 10
I really shouldn't be picking against my adopted AFC team. Lesson learned.

Prediction: CHIEFS 42, BROWNS 20
Result: CHIEFS 16, BROWNS 14
Okay, so not the shootout I predicted. But a win is a win, and KC is 2-0

Prediction: BEARS 17, COWBOYS 16
Result: BEARS 27, COWBOYS 20
See? Bad karma. All that oil money and urban sprawl... you need to change your ways, Dallas!

Prediction: CARDINALS 23, FALCONS 17
Result: FALCONS 41, CARDINALS 7
Sigh. I picked the Cards to win the Super Bowl. This is why you don't bet on my picks.

Prediction: PANTHERS 30, BUCCANEERS 13
Result: BUCCANEERS 20, PANTHERS 7
I don't know if anyone noticed, but I snuck in and played a few snaps at QB for the Panthers.

Prediction: LIONS 23, EAGLES 14 ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***
Result: EAGLES 35, LIONS 32
I almost gave myself a tie for this one, but the truth is I underestimated how good people have it in prison these days.

Prediction: RAVENS 31, BENGALS 13
Result: BENGALS 15, RAVENS 10

Prediction: TITANS 21, STEELERS 17
Result: STEELERS 19, TITANS 11
The Steelers are 2-0 despite having -2 people on their depth chart at quarterback.

Prediction: SEAHAWKS 34, BRONCOS 0 ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***
Result: BRONCOS 31, SEAHAWKS 14
Oh, come on! This was a sure thing! As sure as rain and crippling depression in Seattle!

Prediction: RAMS 26, RAIDERS 18 ***WEEK TWO MISERA-BOWL***
Result: RAIDERS 16, RAMS 14
If I had known the Raiders would have benched Jason Campbell, I would have seen this coming. 

Prediction: REDSKINS 24, TEXANS 20
Result: TEXANS 30, REDSKINS 27 (OT)
When the Skins were up 27-10 in the third quarter, I leaned over to another Skins fan at the bar and said "I could get used to this!" Good thing I didn't.

Prediction: JETS 27, PATRIOTS 21
Result: JETS 28, PATRIOTS 14
Tom Brady at one point threw 8 consecutive incomplete passes, a career record. Tom, cut your hair. You are the anti-Samson.

Prediction: CHARGERS 35, JAGUARS 17
Result: CHARGERS 38, JAGUARS 13
The Jags had six turnovers. That's one for every fan in Jacksonville who was watching the game.

Prediction: GIANTS 27, COLTS 24
Result: COLTS 38, GIANTS 14
Afterwards, Peyton gave Eli a wedgie and stole his Halloween candy.

Prediction: SAINTS 49, 49ERS 21
Result: SAINTS 25, 49ERS 22
Jerry Rice saw his jersey retired. And his team fall to 0-2.

Rookie of the Week: Jhavid Best kept the Lions in the fight with 78 yards rushing, 154 yards receiving, and three touchdowns
Surprise Player of the Week: In relief of an injured Michael Turner, Falcons RB Jason Snelling filled in nicely with 129 yards and two touchdowns.
Tough Guy of the Week: Packers LB Clay Matthews racked up three sacks for the second week in a row. He is on pace for 48 sacks this season.
Terrell Owens Memorial Asshole of the Week: The ref who thinks this is tripping a quarterback (50 seconds in).
Bust of the Week: Cardinals QB Derek Anderson looked ugly. Raiders fans ugly. Mike Ditka in his pajamas ugly. 7-41 ugly. Honorable mention to Raiders QB Jason Campbell, who was also benched.
Celebration of the Week: Packers QB Aaron Rodgers' white boy attempt at the Lambeau Leap
Special Teams Player of the Week: Texans' Bernard Pollard blocked a crucial late-game field goal during the Texans' improbable comeback. Pollard is also famous for knocking Tom Brady out for the entire 2008 season.
Defensive Player of the Week: Brandon Flowers ran back an interception for the decisive touchdown in the Chiefs' win over Cleveland.
Offensive Player of the Week: (tie) QB's Matt Schaub and Donovan McNabb combined for over 900 yards passing in the overtime shootout in Washington.
Stick a Fork In: The Cardinals, Raiders QB Jason Campbell, Wade Phillips, Eli's bragging rights, Jacksonville having a football team.
This week: 6-10
Last Week: 11-5
Season:  17-15

You're minding your own business and boom, the NFL season is one eighth over. Hang in there, my loyal fans. And don't fret, I'll bounce back from 6-10 the way Dan Snyder delusionally tells Redskins fans that their team will each year. Since I started Politically Incorrect Football in 2002, my worst week was 4-12. So this wasn't the worst, but it was close. See you later this week with the picks.