Politically Incorrect Football: No, I will not predict the 2011 Season

Dear NFL fans,

It's been a long, strange offseason. I have been travelling for work for a solid year, so I haven't had to bear the brunt of the absurdity, but suffice to say that most NFL fans had their intelligence insulted and players before plays and owners finally decided that no, we're not going to forego billions and billions of dollars because we're not getting a big enough percentage of said billions of dollars.

So great, late July comes and we finally get word that the NFL season is happening! The draft went off without a hitch, players are coming in to training camp and now we're a couple of preseason games in... Everything is back to normal! I can start neglecting my imaginary girlfriend on Sundays, and that void in my life that I'd been filling with alcohol will now be filled with football. And alcohol.

Wrong.

I am submitting to you, loyal fans of the most-watched sports league on this spinning blue orb, that the entire National Football League 2011 season will be the biggest fluke in the history of sports. I'm not going to waste the time and energy expounding upon what teams are going to do what because anyone who claims to be making a serious attempt at such an endeavor is selling a plate of shit fit for a TGI Friday's menu.

People forget that this was the longest work stoppage in the history of the NFL. But Murphy, there was no work! It was the OFF-season! Au contraire, nameless Italics voice. We lost free agency, where teams can spend months courting the best suited players to their team. Instead we got three frantic days of grab bag signings, and teams wound up unevenly loading some positions while neglecting others. And while we're at it, there were no offseason workouts, where new players (i.e. those free agents that they normally sign in March) and the new rookie class all get to know each other. This year, the start of training camp was like the first day of high school. Rookies were the freshman and free agents were the transfer students. Only difference is that unlike most American high school students, these guys now have a little future job security. At least until 2021.

Further exacerbating that point, the lack of offseason workouts and controlled team activities will inevitably lead to disastrous injuries across the league. I'd say I feel sorry for the players a little bit, but fuck them, they're getting millions of dollars to do that to their bodies. This is what you fought for, jackasses. So the combination of lack of master planning, lack of team cohesiveness, and lack of conditioning will result in many games this season being played with about the same level of mastery as a land war in Africa.

There is no reason on earth I should be "predicting" what's going to happen. It's like predicting where the Westboro Baptist Church will be protesting next, or Kim Jong Il's wardrobe selection for the day. They're not predictions. They're guesses pulled out of your ass, between yesterday's Taco Bell sampler box and that polyp you should really have checked out.

But the Reverend Doctor Robert Michael Pierre Gustav Toutont Beauregard Finley III, Esquire (aka Beau, the "B" in JB Sports Chat) came at me and insisted I provide some sort of NFL preseason content. And I don't blame him. This is a sports blog. That's what sports blogs do. But fair warning, if you expect anything I predict to actually happen, you shouldn't be watching sports, you should be watching your diet and trying to eliminate paint chips from your daily consumption.

But before I get into that, a quick note to Entertainment and Sports Programming Network: Hey assholes, when I'm overseas for work and the only American station I have to watch is ESPN America, why in the hell would you broadcast the Little League World Series? NFL preseason football, Major League Baseball, Major League Soccer... hell, the Canadian Football League. Any college sport. I'd even take high school women's field hockey. But when you're my only link back to the Land of the Free and you're broadcasting me a bunch of 12-year-olds as Aruba faces Japan in the LLWS quarterfinals, all your doing is making me want to blow Bristol, Connecticut and South Williamsport, Pennsylvania off the map. Get your programming priorities straight, dammit!!!

Okay, on with the predictions:

1) Within 365 days of this post, the Jacksonville Jaguars will relocate to Los Angeles. 26 of the 38 Jaguars fans will move with them.

2) The division winners are going to be teams nobody expects. All these smug sportscasters are banally making the safe prediction that the Patriots, Packers, and Eagles will win their respective divisions. This year is going to be a fluke. It will be teams we don't expect, like the Memphis Showboats, the North Melbourne Kangaroos, the Tonawonda Kardex, and the Buffalo Bills.

3) Albert Haynesworth (DT, Patriots) will spend at least one night in jail. And he will fall in love.

4) White people who claim to be 1/16th Apache will be the only people who will continue to be offended by the name of the Washington Redskins. Like the Native American community in America doesn't have bigger fish to fry right now.

5) The underground cult-like fan base for Browns RB Peyton Hillis will bestow upon him the nickname "The Cleveland White".

6) Tony Romo will continue to make the same kind of comical blunders we've come to expect from a Polish-Mexican quarterback.

7) Troy Aikman will once again accidentally say the C-word on the air

8) Tom Brady will sleep with your girlfriend, just because he's an asshole and he can. (Besides... you're not happy with her. It will be a good reason to call it quits with her).

9) An NFL player will do something with a gun that will be even stupider than what Plaxico Burress did. My guess is a Cincinnati Bengal.

10) People in the following cities will have virtually nothing to live for unless their team makes a conference championship: Saint Louis, Detroit, Buffalo, Cleveland, Cincinnati, Houston, Phoenix, and Oakland.

LOCK OF THE YEAR: Philadelphia will continue to be the most ironically named city on earth.

Normally at times like this, I'd post some old statistics off of which we might be able to gauge what will go down this year in the NFL. But there's virtually nothing. The only thing I could think of pertains to other seasons with work stoppages... In league history, there have been two other work stoppages. Both of those seasons, the Super Bowl was won by the same team. An unlikely team that many people discounted, and both years that team had an unproven veteran quarterback with little of value on his resume. That's right, the Washington Redskins won the Super Bowl after the 1982 season and the 1987 season, and they are going to win it in 2011. If history can tell us one thing about what will happen in 2011, it's that the Lombardi trophy will be coming back to the Nation's Capital, and nobody will see it coming.

That's all I've got for the preseason, folks. I'm going to go eat a doner kebab. I'll see you in September when I'm back from Germany and done travelling for good.

PIF: Week Five Predictions (Abridged)

Dear Fans,

I know what you're thinking: That asshole never did the results! I bet it's because he had such a shitty week of picks! Well, you're half right. I never did the results because I normally do them while watching Monday Night Football, but this past Monday I was at Sun Life Stadium watching the Dolphins implode against the Patriots. And I've determined that Pats fans are somewhere at the bottom of the food chain between protozoans and Ravens fans.

This week, I'm lax on the analysis because I am travelling. but no worries, I will be back Monday doing what I do best: recounting mistakes I've made. And since I'm stuck in the airport with free wifi, here's the picks for the record. Placing cash wagers based on these picks without the expressed written consent of Davemurphy, JB Sports Chat, and the National Football League is strictly forbidden.

BILLS 24, JAGUARS 21 ***WEEK FIVE MISERA-BOWL***
RAVENS 17, BRONCOS 10
CHIEFS 31, COLTS 24 ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
REDSKINS 24, PACKERS 23 ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***
LIONS 31, RAMS 24
BEARS 20, PANTHERS 7
BENGALS 40, BUCCANEERS 10 ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***
BROWNS 16, FALCONS 13
TEXANS 24, GIANTS 20
SAINTS 38, CARDINALS 29
TITANS 21, COWBOYS 9
CHARGERS 30, RAIDERS 19
49ERS 23, EAGLES 13
JETS 21, VIKINGS 19 ***MNF***

As long as I'm on here, allow me to impart this bit of knowledge on you: Spirit Airlines fucking sucks. Don't ever fly Spirit Airlines.

Last Week: 7-7
Season: 31-30-1

This week I'll be watching the game at whatever bar I can find that plays it. I'll be in sunny San Juan, Puerto Rico. Here's hoping they have futbol americano on the television. If you must know, Chrisco and I are going on a mancation together.

Your favorite something,

Davemurphy

PIF: NFL Week Four Predictions

Dear Gridiron Connoisseurs,

This is a very important week. Week Four always is. Week Four is when the byes start. Four teams will not play this week. Which is good, I was getting pretty damn sick of Dallas and their stinky face. And ugh, Minnesota and all that Brett Favre nonsense. And EVERYONE hates Tampa. Ugh. Kansas City I'll miss this week though. Today I took a personal bye, staying home from work with a bit of headache and nausea. It's the first sick day I've taken in eons. So of course, they were giving free baseball tickets at work. For tonight's game. And I'm sick. Whatever, I'll just pick some football games. Instead of going to a baseball game. For free. If you bet actual money based on these predictions, you will get a urinary tract infection. Here goes:

49ERS (0-3) at FALCONS (2-1)
Let's face it, the 9ers have to win this game. That's good enough for me.
49ERS 20, FALCONS 17


BENGALS (2-1) at BROWNS (0-3) ***OHIO BOWL PART ONE***
Everyone's favorite all-American state pits its practically-Kentucky, crime ridden, blighted southern city of Cincinnati against its Rust Belt, hollowed out, blighted northern city against each other. Neither team has ever won the Super Bowl, both teams have spent most of the last two decades in the basement of the league. Hell, Cleveland wasn't even in the league four of those years.
BENGALS 19, BROWNS 11


JETS (2-1) at BILLS (0-3)
God. Imagine you're one of my cousins in Buffalo. You're 0-3. Your quarterback went to Harvard, which is great if he's your lawyer, but they're not exactly a quarterback factory over there. You have three potential Super Bowl teams in your division. You have thirteen more Chan Gailey-coached games to look forward to, the end of which you will find yourself in the midst of the worst winter in the continental US. Oh, and you live in Buffalo.
JETS 24, BILLS 10


SEAHAWKS (2-1) at RAMS (1-2) ***WEEK FOUR MISERA-BOWL***
Even though he is coming off of his first win, #1 draft pick Sam Bradford is slowly realizing that not only does he play for the Rams, but he now lives in Saint Louis.
SEAHAWKS 27, RAMS 17


BRONCOS (1-2) at TITANS (2-1)
When your best player is Brandon Lloyd, you have a problem. When your third string quarterback is selling more jerseys than your starting quarterback, you have a problem. When your rushing game is weaker than the structural foundation of any building in Port-au-Prince, you have a problem. When you have these three problems, you're the Denver Broncos. And yes, I made a Haiti joke.
TITANS 37, BRONCOS 14


LIONS (0-3) at PACKERS (2-1) ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***
Detroit doesn't stand a chance. And they'll lose this football game, too.
PACKERS 51, LIONS 28


RAVENS (2-1) at STEELERS (3-0) 
These two teams hate each other. But the Ravens have the best pass defense in the league right now, and I'm pretty sure the Steelers are on like their seventh string at quarterback. In fact, I'm pretty sure my sister is their back up quarterback. This game will be won on the ground, my friends.
STEELERS 17, RAVENS 13


PANTHERS (1-2) at SAINTS (2-1)
I love it when these two teams play each other because across the bottom of the screen where they put the score, it says "NO CAR",
SAINTS 27, PANTHERS 17


COLTS (2-1) at JAGUARS (1-2)
It's buy one ticket get the rest of the section free week at EverBank Field. God, what an awful name for a stadium. Don't watch this game, Jacksonville is embarrassing.
COLTS 31, JAGUARS 19


TEXANS (2-1) at RAIDERS (1-2)
The Raiders are like the friend at the party that drinks too much but you have to invite him because he's part of the gang and then he throws up on the girl you're hitting on.
TEXANS 21, RAIDERS 10


REDSKINS (1-2) at EAGLES (2-1) ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
Donovan McNabb goes back to the city that threw him away like an empty can of Cambell's Chunky Soup (tm). If you're rooting for the Philadelphia Eagles this week, you're a douchebag. Or an Eagles fan. Not quite sure which is worse.
REDSKINS 21, EAGLES 14


CARDINALS (2-1) at CHARGERS (1-2)
Yup.
CHARGERS 24, CARDINALS 21


BEARS (3-0) at GIANTS (1-2) ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***
These are two of the oldest and most storied franchises in the NFL. Two of the most storied cities in America. And it will be played in the newest stadium in the league. A little anti-climactic, don't you think?
GIANTS 26, BEARS 21


PATRIOTS (2-1) at DOLPHINS (2-1)
Yours truly will actually be attending this game. This will be my first ever non-Redskins NFL game. I just couldn't turn down an opportunity to heckle Patriots fans from a safe environment.
DOLPHINS 27, PATRIOTS 20

Last Week: 7-8-1
Season: 24-23-1

This week I'll be spreading the Redskins love up the coast a little and I will not be at Mike's. Where are you watching the games this week? A townie bar? Your living room? The stadium? Your jail cell? Leave a comment and share! Best comment will be sent all of my Farmville gifts for the next week. Just kidding, I don't play Farmville, and I probably don't want to be Facebooks friends with the kind of person that reads a sports blog. Losers.

But seriously, hope you're watching with good people in a good place drinking good beer. It's a good week for football. See you Tuesday with the results.

Your Prognosticator Extraordinaire,

Davemurphy

PIF: NFL Week Three Predictions

Dear Football Aficionados,

What say you, football fans? Good season so far? If you answered yes, you're obviously not a Minnesota Vikings fan or Kevin Kolb. But I'd be inclined to agree with you. Something magical happens in the fall. And this being the first week of 2010 NFL football to be played in the fall, I think it will be a magical week. A magical week of football. When sayings like this come out of my mouth, I stop and ask myself why I am still single. Whatever, my week has been shitty enough, let's just get to the predictions. As always, make sure you do not use these picks as the basis for any actual wager involving cash money:

TITANS (1-1) at GIANTS (1-1)

Nashville may be the Paris of the South, but New York is the New York of the world. Unfortunately, Eli Manning isn't the Manning of the Mannings.

Prediction: GIANTS 35, TITANS 24

BENGALS (1-1) at PANTHERS (0-2)

The Cincinnati Bengals saw their quarterback get coddled against the Ravens last week. But the Panthers' QB is still waiting to get signed by the Panthers. Because they don't have a QB right now. Jimmy Clausen doesn't count.

Prediction: BENGALS 20, PANTHERS 10

STEELERS (2-0) at BUCCANEERS (2-0)

The Big-Benless Steelers against the Succaneers? And they're both undefeated? That means at the end of the day, one of them will STILL be undefeated. Next thing you'll tell me is that you know a girl from Tampa who is NOT a stripper!

Prediction: STEELERS 26, BUCCANEERS 3

BILLS (0-2) at PATRIOTS (1-1) ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

I'd love to think that last week's embarrassment at the hand of the Jets would send the Patriots into a downward spiral, but unfortunately said spiral is currently being blocked by the Buffalo Bills. Apparently this is the only thing they know how to block.

Prediction: PATRIOTS 47, BILLS 10

BROWNS (0-2) at RAVENS (1-1)

I don't care how unlikely it is, I will never pick the Ravens to beat the Browns out of solidarity with the hard working (by that I mean unemployed) people of Cleveland. Baltimore will win this game, but that's not how I'm predicting it, because I pick with my heart, not my head. Probably another reason why I'm still single.

Prediction: BROWNS 13, RAVENS 10

49ERS (0-2) at CHIEFS (2-0)

A lot of people thing SanFran's losing streak and KC's winning streak need to end at 2. I am not one of those people. 

Prediction: CHIEFS 21, 49ERS 17

COWBOYS (0-2) at TEXANS (2-0)

Ibid.

Prediction: TEXANS 42, COWBOYS 21

LIONS (0-2) at VIKINGS (0-2) ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***

The Lions have been close in both of their first two games so far. Luck just hasn't been on their side. Fortunately for them, age is no longer on Brett Favre's side.

Prediction: LIONS 22, VIKINGS 18

FALCONS (1-1) at SAINTS (2-0) ***GAME OF THE WEEK***

Man, remember when these two teams were as irrelevant as the public school systems in their respective cities? It's good they have their priorities straight in the South.

Prediction: SAINTS 24, FALCONS 20

REDSKINS (1-1) at RAMS (0-2)

Apart from #1 pick Sam Bradford at QB and veteran RB Steven Jackson, I have never heard of anyone on the offense of the Saint Louis Rams. I'm pretty sure they outsourced the offensive line to the WWE, and that some college exchange students are playing wide receiver. When your team's two losses are to the Cardinals and Raiders, you know you're in trouble.

Prediction: REDSKINS 31, RAMS 13

EAGLES (1-1) at JAGUARS (1-1)

An estimated 609 people are expected to show up to see this game. The other 34 people in Jacksonville are in Los Angeles seeing if they want to follow their football team out there when they move.

Prediction: EAGLES 23, JAGUARS 14

COLTS (1-1) at BRONCOS (1-1)

Horsies lol

Prediction: COLTS 28, BRONCOS 7

RAIDERS (1-1) at CARDINALS (1-1) ***WEEK THREE MISERA-BOWL***

These teams have a combined 0 wins against teams that aren't the Saint Louis Rams. And what could possibly be a more miserable setting for a Misera-Bowl than Phoenix? If the Sinaloa Cartel doesn't kidnap you, you can get completely sunburnt watching your team crank out another really ugly victory.

Prediction: CARDINALS 20, RAIDERS 15

CHARGERS (1-1) at SEAHAWKS (1-1)

This West Coast battle of who's-for-real will end with one of these two teams making a statement. And this is a good week for San Diego, as other people have already been making statements on behalf of Southern Californians.

Prediction: CHARGERS 23, SEAHAWKS 14

JETS (1-1) at DOLPHINS (2-0)

The morning show I listen to here in Miami is corresponding with a Russian woman who they believe is setting them up for a scam. Instead of using their own pictures, however, they are posing as Jets coach Rex Ryan. If that doesn't make you root for the Dolphins, well, you're just not as much of a fan of insult humor as I am.

Prediction: DOLPHINS 19, JETS 17

PACKERS (2-0) at BEARS (2-0) ***MNF***

Bratwurst. Obesity. Unemployment. Cheap American Beer. Unbearably shitty weather. And Packers vs. Bears. Two of the oldest teams in the NFL, and they're both undefeated. The Lake Michigan Bowl is on Monday Night.

PACKERS 38, BEARS 35

Last Week: 6-10
Season: 17-15

Once again I'll be watching my football at Mike's in the Venetian, harassing Natalie, our fine barkeep. This week I will be reunited with Chrisco, aka Baby Junior, and we will be eating unhealthy food and arguing with other wayward fans miles from their home team. To all of you watching football in your home town this week, be kind to those out of towners that are taking up refuge in your local watering holes to watch their games. They too are kindly people with good souls. Unless they're Cowboys fans. Have a good football week, my friends.

Your Prognosticator,

Davemurphy

PIF: NFL Week Two Predictions

Hello Again, football fans! I don't know what it is about fall in the air that makes Politically Incorrect Football work so well. In the last 24 hours, I have been accused of being a raging sexist, and racist against Muslims (which, I have to point out, is a religion, not a race). I was also called a socialist hippie and a tree hugger in two separate incidents this week. But I have decided to get back to my roots and use my disparaging comments to talk about football.

BILLS (0-1) AT PACKERS (1-0)
This is game is pure Great Lakes: fat people in danger of losing their jobs.
PACKERS 31, BILLS 7

DOLPHINS (1-0) AT VIKINGS (0-1)
I like to picture Brett Favre's hair never having gone gray. Instead, I picture him going bald. Can't you just see him with a nasty comb-over?
VIKINGS 20, DOLPHINS 13

CHIEFS (1-0) AT BROWNS (0-1)
These are traditionally my two favorite AFC teams. But Kansas City appears to be on a roll, and the Browns just lost to a team that can't even beat themselves.
CHIEFS 42, BROWNS 20

BEARS (1-0) AT COWBOYS (0-1)
The Bears robbed the Lions of a win last week because of an unusual rule. The Cowboys lost to the Redskins on a very untimely penalty at the end of the game. Karma would dictate that this one would have to go to Dallas, except for the fact that Dallas is full of evil, soulless villians.
BEARS 17, COWBOYS 16

CARDINALS (1-0) AT FALCONS (0-1)
Birds! Lol.
CARDINALS 23, FALCONS 17

BUCCANEERS (1-0) AT PANTHERS (0-1)
Who the hell is the quarterback for these two teams? There are six quarterbacks between these two teams, and I think I've thrown more raging parties than they've thrown NFL passes. (It's funny because I'm not popular and I don't throw many parties)
PANTHERS 30, BUCCANEERS 13

EAGLES (0-1) AT LIONS (0-1) ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***
Michael Vick is starting at quarterback for the Eagles to showcase the skills he picked up in prison.
LIONS 23, EAGLES 14

RAVENS (1-0) AT BENGALS (0-1)
It's a good thing the Ravens are playing in Cincinnati. You never know when a building in Maryland is going to get taken hostage by a crazed gunman. In Cincinnati, all you have to worry about are two year olds smoking pot. Even toddlers are finding ways to deal with the Bengals losing ways.
RAVENS 31, BENGALS 13

STEELERS (1-0) AT TITANS (1-0)
Chris Johnson has a goal to gain 2,500 yards this season. What is he running from?
TITANS 21, STEELERS 17

SEAHAWKS (1-0) AT BRONCOS (0-1) ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***
Pete Carroll might mistake the Denver Broncos for Fresno State University and accidentally score 80 points against them in an effort to improve the Seahawks' BCS bid.
SEAHAWKS 34, BRONCOS 0

RAMS (0-1) AT RAIDERS (0-1) ***WEEK TWO MISERA-BOWL***
The two teams that used to be in Los Angeles have a combined 20-76 over the last three seasons. If there is a way both of them can lose, I'm sure they'll find it. I guess they could both move back to LA. That would do it.
RAMS 26, RAIDERS 18

TEXANS (1-0) AT REDSKINS (1-0)
Normally, when Texans come to Washington, the middle class gets screwed and wars are undertaken but never officially declared by Congress. And excessively fat people stand on the left side of Metro escalators and then stop at the end of the platform making it difficult for other people to exit the escalator. Texans are annoying.
REDSKINS 24, TEXANS 20

PATRIOTS (1-0) AT JETS (0-1)
Tom Brady accidentally walked into the Jets' locker room, and because of his soft, flowing hair, he was mistaken for a perky Mexican model/reporter. DE Shaun Ellis and LB Bart Scott admitted to say that they wanted to "sack" Brady, presumably some raunchy sex act akin to the retrograde wheelbarrow.
JETS 27, PATRIOTS 21

GIANTS (1-0) AT COLTS (0-1) ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
The other Manning brother, Cooper, suffered a neck injury in high school. He has since been put out to stud. He will not be watching his two Super Bowl MVP brothers Eli and Peyton match up against each other on Sunday night because he will be busy procreating with 14 different women. That Manning seed is in high demand.
GIANTS 27, COLTS 24

SAINTS (1-0) AT 49ERS (0-1) ***MNF***
I have a feeling Mike Singletary will be thanking another team for whipping the 49ers ass. I think it would be entertaining if the Saints dropped 49 points on the 49ers. I love it when things match.
SAINTS 49, 49ERS 21

Last Week: 11-5
Season: 11-5

Let's keep it rolling, football fans. Grab an refreshing appletini, settle in with a nice plate of tofu squares, and find your most fashionable snuggie, because you're way too much of a wuss to handle the awesomeness that will be Week Two.

See you Tuesday with the results.

PIF: NFL Week One Predictions

Greetings loyal football fans. Normally, I like to crank these predictions out on Thursdays, but heck, I just can't wait anymore. Besides, the season kicks off on Thursday when the Vikes play the reigning Super Bowl champ Saints. What a spectacle. As always, the disclaimer: betting on these picks can be hazardous to your credit rating.


VIKINGS (0-0) at SAINTS (0-0) ***THURSDAY NIGHT OPENER***
Could you imagine if John Madden were still calling games for ESPN? You could have a drinking game. One shot for every time he says Brett Favre, two for Hurrican Katrina, three for Turducken, and four when he suffers heart failure.
Prediction: SAINTS 38, VIKINGS 17


BROWNS (0-0) at BUCCANEERS (0-0) *** WEEK ONE MISERA-BOWL***

Colt McCoy is the future of the Browns. Just like Brady Quinn and Tim Couch. I'm giving this one to Cleveland, partly because they deserve a break, and partly because Tampa, Florida is the worst city I have ever visited. And I've been to Baghdad, Kabul, and Cleveland.

Prediction: BROWNS 19, BUCCANEERS 13

DOLPHINS (0-0) at BILLS (0-0) 
Since I'm in Miami for the first half of this football season, I've adopted them as my surrogate AFC team. But just to show I'm not playing favorites, I'll actually give the Bills more points than they'd ever score.

Prediction: DOLPHINS 30, BILLS 20

BENGALS (0-0) at PATRIOTS (0-0)
What can I say about this game that TO and Ochocinco won't overblow in the media to set the civil rights movement back several decades?

Prediction: PATRIOTS 24, BENGALS 21

COLTS (0-0) at TEXANS (0-0) ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
Ladies won't like this pick. I have never been able to figure out why, but chicks love Peyton Manning. He's the Sex and the City of the NFL

Prediction: TEXANS 34, COLTS 30

BRONCOS (0-0) at JAGUARS (0-0)
Kyle Orton has this week locked up, but it's going to be a year long game of "which Broncos quarterback is going to disappoint the entire Front Range this week?"

Prediction: JAGUARS 29, BRONCOS 13

FALCONS (0-0) at STEELERS (0-0)
I like the Steelers in this game if anyone but Dennis Dixon is starting at quarterback. I swear, the first time I heard his name I thought Donna Dixon was the quarterback in Steel City. She'd probably do better.

Prediction: FALCONS 20, STEELERS 13

RAIDERS (0-0) at TITANS (0-0)
Everyone likes the Titans this year. But expecting a repeat performance from Chris Johnson is like buying a house in 2007 with an interest only loan and expecting to make money.

Prediction: TITANS 28, RAIDERS 27

PANTHERS (0-0) at GIANTS (0-0)
Change the score to Giants 374, Panthers 0 if Eli Manning magically gets hurt. Why? Sage Motherfuckin' Rosenfels.

Prediction: GIANTS 31, PANTHERS 15

LIONS (0-0) at BEARS (0-0)
Ndamukong Suh, the Lions first round selection, has been looking forward to week one as a good excuse to leave the Detroit Metroplitan region. Seriously. What a shitty town.

Prediction: BEARS 23, LIONS 20

CARDINALS (0-0) at RAMS (0-0)
The Rams have one six games in the last three years. The Cardinals won more than that in a single game last year.

Prediction: CARDINALS 38, RAMS 16

PACKERS (0-0) at EAGLES (0-0) ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

A lot of people are saying the Packers are going to the Super Bowl, and I think a lot of these same people are still in denial about how much worse the Eagles got this offseason. People from Philadelphia can go back to blaming the Eagles as to why they are all miserable human beings.

Prediction: PACKERS 44, EAGLES 3

49ERS (0-0) at SEAHAWKS (0-0)

Man, the NFC West is such a crappy division. It's not even fair. 

Prediction: 49ERS 31, SEAHAWKS 24

COWBOYS (0-0) at REDSKINS (0-0) ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***

Season opener against the Cowboys on Sunday night in FedEx Field, and I'm not there to bear witness. This will be a hell of a game, as most Redskins-Cowboys games tend to be. I think this is because the City of Dallas may actually be hell. Like, bad people go there when they die. That's what you get for selling your soul Tony Romo.

Prediction: REDSKINS 31, COWBOYS 30

RAVENS (0-0) at JETS (0-0) ***MNF PART ONE***

This defensive battle would normally be a little boring if not for Rex Ryan cursing and being fat on the Jets' sideline. I love that bastard.

Prediction: JETS 19, RAVENS 15

CHARGERS (0-0) CHIEFS (0-0) ***MNF PART TWO***

Anyone east of the Mississippi will be fast asleep by the time this game ends, so don't even bother.

Prediction: CHARGERS 41, CHIEFS 24

So grab your favorite beer coozy, prepare an excuse for your girlfriend, and dig your jersey out of the closet. The NFL is upon us, and it is beautiful. Kickoff is Thursday night, don't miss it. I have a feeling this is going to be an excellent year of football. See you after the games.

Politically Incorrect Football: Preseason Predictions

Dear football fans far and wide,

Yes, the 2010 NFL Season is upon us. Seven new players have been inducted into the Hall of Fame, the preseason has kicked off with a meaningless contest between the Bengals and the Cowboys, and Terrell Owens has found a new way to whore himself out to the media. This means that it's time for the annual predictions. Lord knows I don't want to wait to see how the preseason plays out, lest there be more reason to declare any of my biased and uninformed predictions utter bullshit.

So here and now, brought to you by JB Sports Chat, Davemurphy's Politically Incorrect Football 2010 NFL predictions. I strongly recommend against using these predictions as the basis for any cash wager of any sort.

THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE

NFC EAST
Washington Redskins (10-6)
Okay, everyone knows I'm a shameless Redskins fan. But the arrival of what I've dubbed "the Irish trio" George Allen, Mike Shanahan, and Donovan McNabb, ought to shake up the NFC a bit this year.

New York Giants (9-7)
There are enough African names on the Giants' defense for it to be colonized by Belgium.

Dallas Cowboys (8-8)
There is nothing I hate more in sports than Tony Romo. Nothing at all.

Philadelphia Eagles (5-11)
Hey, remember when we ditched our future Hall of Fame quarterback for some unproven youngster and a guy best known for murdering dogs? Don't think that's gonna work out for you.

NFC NORTH
Green Bay Packers (11-5)
Despite a soft defense, I really think the Packers will overcome the utter banality of being in Wisconsin in the winter.

Chicago Bears (7-9)
This team rests entirely on Jay Cutler. This is basically like resting the future of the Republican party on Sarah Palin. Everyone knows it won't work except the people who really need to know it.

Minnesota Vikings (7-9)
Favre Shmavre. This team will have the bottom fall out from under them unless they unleash their sleeping giant... Iowa farm Jew Sage Rosenfels. He is the future.

Detroit Lions (6-10)
The only NFC team never to make the Super Bowl will slightly improve on their 2-30 record over the last two seasons. Their win total is the only thing in town lower than their employment rate.

NFC SOUTH
New Orleans Saints (12-4)
Hurricanes, oil spills, crime spikes, depopulation, rising water levels... this city's entire future is currently hanging on the good fortune of Drew Brees and the Saints.

Atlanta Falcons (9-7)
QB Matt Ryan is coming into his own. If he doesn't get lost in Atlanta's 28-county maze of suburbs, he might get them into the win column a few times.

Carolina Panthers (5-11)
Oh, man this team is going to be bad. They lost their defense in the offseason, and they're going to be quarterbacked by some new kid from accounting.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-13)
Losing is just the culture when you're a Tampa Bay Buccaneer. It's just what they do. Affirmative action head coach Raheem Morris won't last the season.

NFC WEST
Arizona Cardinals (13-3)
Matt Leinert will pick up where Kurt Warner left off. He's going to marry his androgynous high school sweetheart and have 8 kids.

San Francisco 49ers (11-5)
Throwback coach Mike Singletary is slowly whipping the team into shape. Just PLEASE don't pull your pants down this year.

Seattle Seahawks (7-9)
USC Powerhouse coach Pete Carroll comes into the NFL to destroy his coaching legacy. Seattle has only ever been good when the entire rest of their division was downright awful

St. Louis Rams (6-10)
Speaking of downright awful, Saint Louis has won six games in the last three years. Any improvement is welcome in Saint Louis.

AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE

AFC EAST
New York Jets (12-4)
I love Matt Sanchez. No gay. But I kind of want to spoon with him.

Miami Dolphins (8-8)
I'll be in Miami for the first half of the season, so expect three months worth of insults about what an awful city it is down there.

New England Patriots (8-8)
There's a lot of aging talent on this team. They're still good, but I have a feeling reality will check in, like when you finally realize that you're the oldest guy at the club.

Buffalo Bills (1-15)
Man, what a depressing state of affairs. CJ Spiller is supposed to be the future of the team. But wouldn't it have been so much funnier if he had gone to New Orleans? Those jokes just write themselves.

AFC NORTH
Baltimore Ravens (11-5)
The Ravens finally have a pair of wide receivers for QB Joe Flacco. The postseason will be rife with purple camouflage and people mispronouncing the letter "O".

Cleveland Browns (9-7)
This is an absolutely awful prediction. But I have a lot of faith in GM Mike Holmgren. His amorphous gut and midwestern chic walrus 'stache assure that he is a fish in water in Cleveland. A fat, ugly fish in very polluted Lake Erie water.

Pittsburgh Steelers (9-7)
This is just a bad prediction. Don't pay any attention to it. The Steelers are going to be better than this in 2010. I'm really not very good at this.

Cincinnati Bengals (6-10)
After the preseason game, a reporter asked Terrell Owens, with him and Chad Ochocinco vying for attention in the passing game, "if there would be enough balls to go around". Have you seen their end zone dances? I don't think there's a shortage of balls on this team.

AFC SOUTH
Houston Texans (10-6)
They get just a little better every year. I mean, except for the East Texas part.

Indianapolis Colts (10-6)
The curse of the Super Bowl loser will take a bite out of the 2010 Colts. But I'm sure Peyton Manning will find a way to work that into a commercial for whatever awful product he's hawking.

Tennessee Titans (10-6)
After starting 0-6 last year, the team won 8 of 10 to finish the season with an even record. Way more even than the team's criminal record.

Jacksonville Jaguars (3-13)
Why does Jacksonville have a football team when places like Los Angeles, Portland, San Antonio, San Jose, Mobile, AL, Laramie, WY, Fargo, ND, and Putney, VT don't?

AFC WEST
San Diego Chargers (14-2)
Let's face it, winning this division will be easier than a depressed sorority girl.

Kansas City Chiefs (8-8)
RB Jamaal Charles is going to lead the league in rushing. And you don't even know who he is.

Denver Broncos (5-11)
There are already injuries plaguing this team, and I'm pretty sure that with the time difference it's still only May in Colorado.

Oakland Raiders (3-13)
They'll be awful, but watch them because owner Al Davis' senility is getting to be very entertaining.

POSTSEASON PREDICTIONS

WILD CARDS: New York Giants, San Francisco 49ers, Indianapolis Colts, Tennessee Titans

AFC Championship: Chargers over Ravens

NFC Championship: Cardinals over Saints

Super Bowl: Cardinals over Chargers

I'm continuing my streak of saying the Cardinals will win the Super Bowl. Four short weeks before the NFL starts proving me wrong and Joe Buck's awful on air ass kissing lowers my sperm count. Yes, in just about a month, you can stop pretending you care about soccer and baseball and get back to what really keeps the sports world ticking.

Until next time, don't bet on my picks and enjoy the return of America's past time. And by that I mean getting drunk and cursing fans of your rival team while you're at the bar.

Your prognosticating genius,

Davemurphy