"Sight Of Matt Millen On TV Simply Too Much For Nation’s Unemployed To Handle"

Must read sign-of-the-times from America's Finest News Source:

In May 2009, a month in which the economy shed 345,00 jobs, ESPN announced it would be hiring [former Detriot Lions CEO Matt] Millen as a football analyst.

"I can't believe this guy got an interview, let alone got hired," said Bainridge, WA textile designer Cynthia Anderson, whose fabrics were considered among the field's best before the collapse of the domestic apparel industry in 2010. "What motivation do I have to go out there and apply for work while this dipshit is on national television?"

When approached for details, ESPN initially refused to comment on its hiring practices or reasons for employing Millen, who was a catastrophic failure at every level of football that did not involve tackling and is perhaps the man most synonymous with football-related ignorance in living memory. Sources at the network also refused to comment on the wisdom of showing the flagrantly employed Millen during broadcasts watched by many of the nation's jobless.

By the way, how nuts is it that both the Lions and the Niners are 5-1 and considered two of the best teams in the nation? Pretty nuts. Like, ESPN-hiring-Matt-Millen nuts.

Politically Incorrect Football: No, I will not predict the 2011 Season

Dear NFL fans,

It's been a long, strange offseason. I have been travelling for work for a solid year, so I haven't had to bear the brunt of the absurdity, but suffice to say that most NFL fans had their intelligence insulted and players before plays and owners finally decided that no, we're not going to forego billions and billions of dollars because we're not getting a big enough percentage of said billions of dollars.

So great, late July comes and we finally get word that the NFL season is happening! The draft went off without a hitch, players are coming in to training camp and now we're a couple of preseason games in... Everything is back to normal! I can start neglecting my imaginary girlfriend on Sundays, and that void in my life that I'd been filling with alcohol will now be filled with football. And alcohol.

Wrong.

I am submitting to you, loyal fans of the most-watched sports league on this spinning blue orb, that the entire National Football League 2011 season will be the biggest fluke in the history of sports. I'm not going to waste the time and energy expounding upon what teams are going to do what because anyone who claims to be making a serious attempt at such an endeavor is selling a plate of shit fit for a TGI Friday's menu.

People forget that this was the longest work stoppage in the history of the NFL. But Murphy, there was no work! It was the OFF-season! Au contraire, nameless Italics voice. We lost free agency, where teams can spend months courting the best suited players to their team. Instead we got three frantic days of grab bag signings, and teams wound up unevenly loading some positions while neglecting others. And while we're at it, there were no offseason workouts, where new players (i.e. those free agents that they normally sign in March) and the new rookie class all get to know each other. This year, the start of training camp was like the first day of high school. Rookies were the freshman and free agents were the transfer students. Only difference is that unlike most American high school students, these guys now have a little future job security. At least until 2021.

Further exacerbating that point, the lack of offseason workouts and controlled team activities will inevitably lead to disastrous injuries across the league. I'd say I feel sorry for the players a little bit, but fuck them, they're getting millions of dollars to do that to their bodies. This is what you fought for, jackasses. So the combination of lack of master planning, lack of team cohesiveness, and lack of conditioning will result in many games this season being played with about the same level of mastery as a land war in Africa.

There is no reason on earth I should be "predicting" what's going to happen. It's like predicting where the Westboro Baptist Church will be protesting next, or Kim Jong Il's wardrobe selection for the day. They're not predictions. They're guesses pulled out of your ass, between yesterday's Taco Bell sampler box and that polyp you should really have checked out.

But the Reverend Doctor Robert Michael Pierre Gustav Toutont Beauregard Finley III, Esquire (aka Beau, the "B" in JB Sports Chat) came at me and insisted I provide some sort of NFL preseason content. And I don't blame him. This is a sports blog. That's what sports blogs do. But fair warning, if you expect anything I predict to actually happen, you shouldn't be watching sports, you should be watching your diet and trying to eliminate paint chips from your daily consumption.

But before I get into that, a quick note to Entertainment and Sports Programming Network: Hey assholes, when I'm overseas for work and the only American station I have to watch is ESPN America, why in the hell would you broadcast the Little League World Series? NFL preseason football, Major League Baseball, Major League Soccer... hell, the Canadian Football League. Any college sport. I'd even take high school women's field hockey. But when you're my only link back to the Land of the Free and you're broadcasting me a bunch of 12-year-olds as Aruba faces Japan in the LLWS quarterfinals, all your doing is making me want to blow Bristol, Connecticut and South Williamsport, Pennsylvania off the map. Get your programming priorities straight, dammit!!!

Okay, on with the predictions:

1) Within 365 days of this post, the Jacksonville Jaguars will relocate to Los Angeles. 26 of the 38 Jaguars fans will move with them.

2) The division winners are going to be teams nobody expects. All these smug sportscasters are banally making the safe prediction that the Patriots, Packers, and Eagles will win their respective divisions. This year is going to be a fluke. It will be teams we don't expect, like the Memphis Showboats, the North Melbourne Kangaroos, the Tonawonda Kardex, and the Buffalo Bills.

3) Albert Haynesworth (DT, Patriots) will spend at least one night in jail. And he will fall in love.

4) White people who claim to be 1/16th Apache will be the only people who will continue to be offended by the name of the Washington Redskins. Like the Native American community in America doesn't have bigger fish to fry right now.

5) The underground cult-like fan base for Browns RB Peyton Hillis will bestow upon him the nickname "The Cleveland White".

6) Tony Romo will continue to make the same kind of comical blunders we've come to expect from a Polish-Mexican quarterback.

7) Troy Aikman will once again accidentally say the C-word on the air

8) Tom Brady will sleep with your girlfriend, just because he's an asshole and he can. (Besides... you're not happy with her. It will be a good reason to call it quits with her).

9) An NFL player will do something with a gun that will be even stupider than what Plaxico Burress did. My guess is a Cincinnati Bengal.

10) People in the following cities will have virtually nothing to live for unless their team makes a conference championship: Saint Louis, Detroit, Buffalo, Cleveland, Cincinnati, Houston, Phoenix, and Oakland.

LOCK OF THE YEAR: Philadelphia will continue to be the most ironically named city on earth.

Normally at times like this, I'd post some old statistics off of which we might be able to gauge what will go down this year in the NFL. But there's virtually nothing. The only thing I could think of pertains to other seasons with work stoppages... In league history, there have been two other work stoppages. Both of those seasons, the Super Bowl was won by the same team. An unlikely team that many people discounted, and both years that team had an unproven veteran quarterback with little of value on his resume. That's right, the Washington Redskins won the Super Bowl after the 1982 season and the 1987 season, and they are going to win it in 2011. If history can tell us one thing about what will happen in 2011, it's that the Lombardi trophy will be coming back to the Nation's Capital, and nobody will see it coming.

That's all I've got for the preseason, folks. I'm going to go eat a doner kebab. I'll see you in September when I'm back from Germany and done travelling for good.

L.A. one step closer to a(nother) NFL stadium. Who will play there?

- The proposed new stadium, Farmers Field, would sit right next door to the Staples Center, and compete against Cowboys Stadium as the premier venue for events such as the Final Four

The L.A. City Council has approved, 12-0, a non-binding agreement to proceed with the demolition/relocation of part of the L.A. Convention Center, to make room for AEG's planned 72,000 seat NFL stadium, which already has sold naming rights to Farmers Insurance, to be dubbed "Farmers Field." The relocation of the Convention Center facility would be funded by $275 million in city bonds; AEG would pay for the new football stadium and two parking garages.

City officials expect the stadium to create more than 14,000 construction jobs and 6,300 permanent jobs while making it possible for the city to renovate its Convention Center at a time of tight budgets. Still, the proposal has drawn sharp questions from residents who live near the stadium site who are worried about the traffic that will pour onto local streets and the 110/10 freeway interchange.

Well, jobs are good, and better the 110/10 interchange, where people are used to madness during big conventions and Lakers games, than at the junction of the 57, 60, and 10, where rival "Los Angeles Football Stadium" is looking to be constructed. An L.A. team should be in L.A., not in Pasadena or Industry.

But who, exactly, will fill this stadium (or the unfortunate City of Industry alternative) with well-heeled celebrities, wannabees, and fans of both? Given that the lockout is over, this autumn will mark the start of the 17th consecutive season the country's second-largest city has gone without an NFL team. Here are the six most often mentioned contenders:

1. Jacksonville Jaguars - Locals can't watch most home games given the need to blackout the perpetually undersold stadium. Also, the team sucks, with the likelihood of bringing home a Super Bowl trophy in the near future looking pretty bleak. Gotta think this is the best bet, given an average-aged stadium, very poor fan support, and little franchise success.

Metrics:

• Stadium: b.1997 (avg. NFL stadium age: 17.8yrs), it is the 13th oldest NFL stadium.
• Fans/Attendance: Bleacher Report calls them "Probably the worst fans in the league", the avg. 2009 attendance - 49,651/game (30/32); 31/32 by stadium capacity %.
• Franchise Performance: In 22 years, they have won 0 League Championships and 0 Conference Championships; they won Division Championships in '98 and '99.

2. San Diego Chargers - I hate this idea, for the same reason I hate the Raiders coming to L.A. There's no reason that California shouldn't have an NFL team for each major city, and grumbling Angelenos don't want their smaller neighbor's hand-me-downs. Also, this is mostly about stadium issues; no doubt Qualcomm is an old p.o.s., but Supercharger fans are aplenty in "America's Finest City," and this is a team that has been quite good and a perennial contender in recent years. Unfortunately for San Diegans, the Chargers are the next team on the list that will be in search for a new stadium, and there are two in L.A. that plan to be a-callin'.

Metrics:

• Stadium: b.1967, it is the 5th oldest NFL stadium.
• Fans/Attendance: avg. 2009 attendance - 67,543 (18/32); 24/32 by stadium capacity %.
• Franchise Performance: 1 League Championship, 1 Conference Championship, 15 Division Championships, including their last playoff appearance in 2009.

3. Oakland Raiders - The saying goes, "You can't go back again." Clearly that isn't true for the Raiders, who returned to Oakland after winning a Super Bowl and making the playoffs 6 of 12 years in L.A. But as they say, "The Raiders moved to L.A., and back to Oakland. No one in Los Angeles seemed to notice." (at 1:45)

The Raiders have an even older stadium than San Diego, and despite having "the craziest and scariest fans in the league," they also have the lowest attendance in the league, in raw numbers and by capacity filled. They are one of the winning-est franchises on this list, no doubt; they are the only franchise to play in the Super Bowl in four different decades (the other: the Pittsburgh Steelers). But success has little to do with where the Raiders play, apparently, and Al "Just Win" Davis would have no qualms bringing the team back to L.A. or its suburbs, regardless of the collective groan from everyone outside of Raider Nation.

Metrics:

• Stadium: b.1966, 4th oldest NFL stadium.
• Fans/Attendance: avg. 2009 attendance - 44,284 (32/32); 32/32 by stadium capacity %.
• Franchise Performance: 3 League Championships, 4 Conference Championships, 15 Division Championships, including their last playoff appearance in 2002.

4. St. Louis Rams - The "other" former L.A. team, the Rams are a sad tale of early success without long-term fan support. Having won a pre-merger NFL Championship in 1951, six seasons after charging out of Cleveland, the Rams spent a solid 48 years in Southern California, and may have been cemented as "the" L.A. team, but for the notorious 1979 move to Anaheim. Anaheim, as Angelenos will let you know in no vague terms, is in Orange County, not Los Angeles; Orange County is not Los Angeles. Trying to name any team in the O.C. "Los Angeles" is an insult not taking lightly, as vitriol toward the Anaheim Angels goes to show (no, their inaccurate marketing name change will not be used by me). L.A. mostly rejected the Rams for the newcomer, Super Bowl winning, downtown stadium-having Raiders, and the Rams were among the most impacted by the League's new blackout rules, never really getting the attendance they expected at the co-located Angels Stadium. An 11-5 season in 1989 seemed to signal resurgence, but the 49ers utterly destroyed them in the NFC game, sealing their fate and causing Georgia Frontiere to flee with her team to St. Louis in 1995. Despite moving to the Midwest, the Rams have always remained a part of the NFC West. With the sports-mogul Kroenke family (who also own the Denver Nuggets and Colorado Avalanche) as the new owners, and attendance at the bottom of the league despite good performance in the early 00s and a re-energized team behind the arm of 2011 Offensive Rookie of the Year Sam Bradford, it may be time for a team that spent most of the merged NFL's existence in the City of Angels to return.

Metrics:

• Stadium: b.1995, 14th oldest NFL stadium.
• Fans/Attendance: avg. 2009 attendance - 55,237 (29/32), 29/32 by stadium capacity %.
• Franchise Performance: 3 League Championships, 6 Conference Championships, 15 Division Championships. Last playoff appearance - 2004.

5. Buffalo Bills - The Bills have not won a league championship since 1965, and are the only franchise to ever lose four consecutive Super Bowls. Four. I lost a lot of quarters as a kid betting on the Bills to finally pull it off, this year. Ralph Wilson Stadium, home of the Bills (except for the game they play in Toronto each year, leading to a significant Canadian following) was built in 1973, only 6 years younger than decrepit Qualcomm in San Diego and 9 years older than "'Unintentionally-Collapsible Roof" Metrodome in the Twin Cities. Bills fans are hardcore, showing up at high rates (95.9% in 2009) to an outdoor stadium known as the windiest NFL stadium in the country, and in spite of poor performance for the last decade.

Metrics:

• Stadium: b.1973, it is the 7th oldest NFL stadium.
• Fans/Attendance: avg. 2009 attendance - 70,128/game (10/32); 22/32 by stadium capacity %.
• Franchise Performance: 2 League Championships, 4 Conference Championships, 10 Division Championships; last playoff appearance was 1999.

6. Minnesota Vikings - How is this on this list? They have stadium issues, like the Chargers (although there will be no snow storms covering San Diego's field), but it seems ridiculous that fans willing to trudge through devastating snow storms to watch games in Detroit and at the outdoor U of Minn. stadium are going to give up their beloved Vikings without a fight. Also like the Chargers, this is a high performance team that has been successful of late, with 7 playoff performances in the 90s and 4 in the 00s. Although, I imagine if the Vikings owner decides to flee to warmer climes, Vikings fans may be too distracted by "mini-burgers" and FQ to notice.

Metrics:

• Stadium: b.1982, it is the 9th oldest NFL stadium, and the only one with a collapsible roof.
• Fans/Attendance: avg. 2009 attendance - 63,775 (24/32); 10/32 by stadium capacity %.
• Franchise Performance: 1 League Championship, 4 Conference Championships, 18 Division Championships, including their last playoff appearance in 2009.

Wildcard: New Orleans Saints - Prior to Hurricane Katrina, there was a lot of talk about the mediocre success of the Saints, and their name was bandied about as a possible future L.A. team. But after the almost-storybook 2006 season, and the franchise-best, Super Bowl champs 2009 season, it seems unlikely--and perhaps downright cruel--to take away NOLA's pride and joy.

Metrics:

• Stadium: b.1975, 8th oldest in the NFL. Post-Katrina renovations completed summer 2011.
• Fans/Attendance: avg. 2009 attendance - 560,840 (11/32), 19/32 by stadium capacity %.
• Franchise Performance: 1 League Championship (2009), 6 Conference Championships, 15 Division Championships. Made the playoffs in 2010.

Prediction: Two L.A. teams, the L.A. Chargers and the L.A. Jaguars, with one actually in L.A. at AEG's Convention Center site, and the other in the City of Industry's "Los Angeles Football Stadium."

The Raiders have other options, like sharing a new Santa Clara stadium with the 49ers (whose Candlestick Park is the 3rd oldest NFL stadium, b.1960), or building their own in Oakland near the decaying Coliseum, so I suspect test balloons of moving south is more about negotiations and posturing than anything else. Santa Clara may be 40 miles south of Oakland (and SF, for that matter), but that's still a lot closer than the L.A. Convention Center, 400 miles south. The Vikings and Bills aren't going anywhere, with the sort of fan bases that they have. That leaves the Rams, but I imagine the Jaguars and the NFL are both more desperate to end the failed Jacksonville experiment than to give the Rams a second-shot at thriving in sunny SoCal.

Then again, it'll soon be 17 seasons without even one team, so, as always with L.A. and football, everything is speculation until the first kickoff.

Football through 2021!

The new CBA between the NFL Players Association and the owners cements football into America's autumns and winters through 2021. This time, there is no opt-out clause, which allowed the owners to lockout the players from summer training camp this year.

Despite the mainstream media fail which tried to make us think that the NFLPA was just being greedy (I will repeat it ad naseum: NFL players make an average, equivalent/estimated lifetime income of $89,000/year), by and large the fans knew that the players wanted to play, and stuck by them through this process. In classy fashion, the NFLPA created this video to thank the fans:



Details of the CBA are at Sports Illustrated. The players are making slightly less, with a slightly lower salary cap and restrictions on the earnings of rookies, but by and large, there are some really major wins for the players. Key among them is extension of health coverage options to retirees, a Legacy Fund to support pensions, and more protection of players' health during practices and pre-season.

Significantly, the controversial proposal to extend the season to 18 games has been scrapped, and cannot be approved before 2021 without NFLPA approval.

Are you ready for some football? Because the players are.

Let the aftermath begin (updated)

Update: Clearly, I spoke too soon: Players decline to vote on owner's proposal.

Original post begins here.

- image from 2/11/11 initial negotiations, pre-lockout, via Business Insider.

Freakonomics Blog weighs in on what the aftermath of the new NFL Collective Bargaining Agreement (CBA) will be if the NFL Players Association votes to approve (the blog suggests that they will). It's clear from what has been proposed that the players were always in the weaker negotiating position. The owners has a windfall year of profits plus guaranteed TV rights revenue to keep them warm through a long, football-less winter, while the players were looking at going from an average, equivalent/estimated lifetime income of $89,000/year to being unemployed. So the players, especially rookies, getting soaked and the owners getting an even larger profit (hey, a billion dollars just isn't what it used to be!), while disappointing, is by no means surprising. And though I don't have any final details of the CBA to look at, it seems to me that this is a much better result than what the owners were originally pushing for. To that end, the Players Association is to be commended for holding out for the best deal possible and not completely screwing over players of the future.

But you're not here for my political commentary on management-labor relations in 21st Century American sports... so here's the blurb on how this will affect the actual game in the 2011 season:

Free agency is going be chaotic and messy. Once the deal is finally ratified by everyone – and we are not sure when that is going to happen — then we are going to see a very rapid free agency period. Some teams are over the cap right now. Because NFL contracts are not guaranteed, some players – who will be voting for this agreement – will suddenly be out of a job. Teams that are looking to fill holes will now be looking at free agents. And the time they have to look at these free agents is very short, so I would expect some mistakes are going to be made in the next few days, i.e. overpaying for talent, passing on talent you should keep, etc… Furthermore, teams are also going to be looking at all the undrafted free agents – players who would have been contacts by teams last April – at the same time. So however your favorite team’s roster looks like right now, it could look very different in just a few weeks.

What's Up with the Blog?

Hey all you Sports Chat readers, I hope all is going well and if you are anywhere in the continental United States you are staying cool and drinking lots of water (or beer and then water....or just beer.....). Anyhow, this is more of status update than a real blog post.

As you have noticed, posts have been down dramatically over the past 6 weeks. To be honest, with the NHL season over and both the NFL and NBA players locked out, we have been a little short on topics.  Sure we could have written about Hope Solo and the U.S. Woman's team, but.....that is so over played!

 MLB you ask? When we tried to do that last summer the click rate was about zero.  MLS...those are the only posts we have (thanks Kev, you have kept the blog alive).

So please be patient and stick with us. Once the NFL is back (hopefully by today) we will start blogging on that.  We will also try to do a MLB trade recap and also a breakdown of free agent signings in the  NHL (yes Kathleen I think I just volunteered you :-)

Have a great weekend and DRINK LOTS OF BEER!

J for J.B. Sports.

Most NFL players are not "millionaires"

Now that the NFL lockout is back in force and everyone and their dog is getting back in on what they think a "reasonable" compromise would be to get to a 2011-2012 season, I don't want to hear anymore of this "billionaires vs. millionaires" stuff. Most NFL players are not millionaires:

• Average NFL player salary: $1.9 million

• Median NFL player salary: $770,000

• Average NFL career length: 3.5 years

This means that most NFL players are making $2,695,000 for their *entire career*, which would come to a bit over $89,000 a year for a standard 30-year career (It's actually probably a lot less than that, since they'll get taxed at a higher rate for those years that they're playing). By no means are these folks impoverished, but they're also not "millionaires" in the way that most Americans think of that these days.

This is all before talking about dramatically above average medical costs (the NFL does not cover former player's medical costs, though it does help fund a heart screening program with other league and player affiliated organizations), increased risk of certain chronic and degenerative diseases, and an average of 2-3 years life expectancy lost for every season played.

Will Ochocinco last ocho seconds?

You've got to hand it to Chad Ochocinco. Even in the middle of a lockout, he manages to keep himself in the spotlight. After a short-lived attempt at a soccer career, number 85 has moved on to new challenges. Earlier this month he accepted a challenge from Professional Bull Riders to try his hand at riding a bull. If he stays on for 8 seconds, he'll get to name the bull. If he gets thrown off, breaks every bone in his body and jeopardizes his $6 million next season in the NFL... well, if anyone can go through all of that and still land on their feet, it's Ochocinco.

Does he really mean literally?

PIF: Week Five Results

Dear Football Fans,

I am officially teetotaling for the rest of the season. Why, you might ask? Because my beloved Redskins are 3-0 when I abstain from confidence juice, 0-2 when I imbibe during the game. Yes, while vacationing in Puerto Rico, I watched professional football at a bar and did not drink a drop during the game. Yes, my last name is still Murphy. So for the record, here's what happened while I was on siesta:

Prediction: BILLS 24, JAGUARS 21 ***WEEK FIVE MISERA-BOWL***

Result: JAGUARS 36, BILLS 26

Its a matter of time before these teams are the Los Angeles Jaguars and the Toronto Bills. A matter of time.

Prediction: RAVENS 17, BRONCOS 10

Result: RAVENS 31, BRONCOS 17

I really want to like the Ravens. They're right up the street from DC, they play good old fashioned hard nosed football, and they are fun to watch. But the fans are such colossal rejects that I perish the thought of donning purple camouflage pants and sitting under a freeway overpass to tailgate a game.

Prediction: CHIEFS 31, COLTS 24 ***GAME OF THE WEEK***

Result: COLTS 19, CHIEFS 9

Fans, I have to apologize. This was in no way a game of the week. This game sucked worse than the Indianapolis night life. During football offseason.

Prediction: REDSKINS 24, PACKERS 23

Result: REDSKINS 16, PACKERS 13 (OT)

See what happens when you don't drink? Your team beats a team they haven't beaten in 22 years. This is the fourth game in five that the Redskins have seen decided on the very last play. Because they hate their fans and they want them all to die of coronaries.

Prediction: LIONS 31, RAMS 24

Result: LIONS 44, RAMS 6

Holy urban blight! You never get the expected when the two worst teams in the two worst cities in America face off. As I write this sentence, 200 more people are moving out of each of these cities.

Prediction: BEARS 20, PANTHERS 7

Result: BEARS 23, PANTHERS 6

I love it when I just nail one of these. See that? That is a work of art. I pulled that prediction out of my ass while sitting in the Fort Lauderdale Airport. Top that.

Prediction: BENGALS 40, BUCCANEERS 10 ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

Result: BUCCANEERS 24, BENGALS 21

Hey, what do you want? I picked these games while sitting in the Fort Lauderdale Airport.

Prediction: BROWNS 16, FALCONS 13

Result: FALCONS 20, BROWNS 10

This has nothing to do with this game, but Toyota Truck commercials sound like they are narrated by John Goodman's creepy uncle. It's 2010, gas is 4 bucks a gallon. Nobody drives trucks anymore except for new money rednecks. Quit marketing them like they're some proletariat's tool. Nobody uses them to haul lumber or tow loads of rocks, they use them to compensate for their numerous shortcomings as human beings or tailgate. John Goodman's creepy uncle isn't going to make me want to purchase one.

Prediction: TEXANS 24, GIANTS 20

Result: GIANTS 34, TEXANS 10

Hakeem Nicks had a career day catching 12 passes for 130 yards and 2 TDs. It was pretty bad ass.

Prediction: SAINTS 38, CARDINALS 29

Result: CARDINALS 30, SAINTS 20

The Cards pulled this one off without scoring a single touchdown on offense. Three defensive touchdowns. I hope QB Max Hall, who made his first ever start, bought everyone on his defense a steak and lobster meal after this one.

Prediction: TITANS 21, COWBOYS 9

Result: TITANS 34, COWBOYS 27

People are still buzzing about the Cowboys. They're 1-3. Every other team in their traditionally difficult division is 3-2. Tony Romo is poisoning that team with his goofy little Polish-Mexican smile. He's a gimmick and he will die alone, unloved.

Prediction: CHARGERS 30, RAIDERS 19

Result: RAIDERS 35, CHARGERS 27

The Raiders had 9 points on blocked punts alone, which proved to be the margin of victory. Jason Campbell relieved Bruce Gradkowski after he went 1 of 7 passing. Getting yanked for Jason Campbell is like getting dumped for a civil war reenactor: it's embarrassing, and it's only done by someone who has completely given up on their future.

Prediction: 49ERS 23, EAGLES 13

Result: EAGLES 27, 49ERS 24

49ers owner Jed York declared that San Francisco will win the NFC West despite starting the season 0-5. No pressure, though. You're the only team in your division that hasn't made the Super Bowl in the last 10 years, and you're one of only two teams in the NFC that is still winless. 

Prediction: JETS 21, VIKINGS 19 ***MNF***

Result: JETS 29, VIKINGS 20

You know, two Prime Time games being delayed on a count of rain is just not football-like. Maybe they should have put a lid on that monstrosity in New Jersey so those whiny Jets fans won't have to bitch about standing in the rain.

WEEKLY AWARDS

Rookie of the Week: Bucs WR Mike Williams caught 7 for 99 and a touchdown in Tampa's win

Surprise Player of the Week: Lions QB Shaun Hill throwing for 227 yards and three TDs with no interceptions led the Lions to their first victory in ten games

Tough Guy of the Week: Redskins S LaRon Landry
Terrell Owens Memorial Asshole of the Week: Brett Favre for this ridiculous sexual harassment scandal

Bust of the Week: Cardinals RB Beanie Wells had 20 carries for a paltry 35 yards

Celebration of the Week: Marc Colombo falling down during a football dance, which cost his team 15 yards because touchdown dances can't involve players being on the ground.

Special Teams Player of the Week: Raiders RB Rock Cartwright blocked a punt for a safety against the Chargers

Defensive Player of the Week: The entire Arizona Cardinals defense, which facilitated beating the Saints without the offense scoring a touchdown

Offensive Player of the Week: Chicago RB Matt Forte had 166 yards and two touchdowns to lead the Bears to victory over Carolina

Stick a Fork In: The San Francisco 49ers, again; Bruce Gradkowski; The entire city of Dallas

This Week: 6-8

Last Week: 7-7
Season: 37-38-1

So sorry I took a week off, it needed to happen. If I can't relax and enjoy myself once in a while, well, I shouldn't be doing Politically Incorrect Football anymore, should I? I probably shouldn't be anyway. I've seen more people take interest in slam poetry competitions in Mississippi. But whatever. You keep losing money betting on my picks, I'll keep making horrible predictions. See you Thursday for the predictions.

Your pal,

~~~Davemurphy

PIF: Week Five Predictions (Abridged)

Dear Fans,

I know what you're thinking: That asshole never did the results! I bet it's because he had such a shitty week of picks! Well, you're half right. I never did the results because I normally do them while watching Monday Night Football, but this past Monday I was at Sun Life Stadium watching the Dolphins implode against the Patriots. And I've determined that Pats fans are somewhere at the bottom of the food chain between protozoans and Ravens fans.

This week, I'm lax on the analysis because I am travelling. but no worries, I will be back Monday doing what I do best: recounting mistakes I've made. And since I'm stuck in the airport with free wifi, here's the picks for the record. Placing cash wagers based on these picks without the expressed written consent of Davemurphy, JB Sports Chat, and the National Football League is strictly forbidden.

BILLS 24, JAGUARS 21 ***WEEK FIVE MISERA-BOWL***
RAVENS 17, BRONCOS 10
CHIEFS 31, COLTS 24 ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
REDSKINS 24, PACKERS 23 ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***
LIONS 31, RAMS 24
BEARS 20, PANTHERS 7
BENGALS 40, BUCCANEERS 10 ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***
BROWNS 16, FALCONS 13
TEXANS 24, GIANTS 20
SAINTS 38, CARDINALS 29
TITANS 21, COWBOYS 9
CHARGERS 30, RAIDERS 19
49ERS 23, EAGLES 13
JETS 21, VIKINGS 19 ***MNF***

As long as I'm on here, allow me to impart this bit of knowledge on you: Spirit Airlines fucking sucks. Don't ever fly Spirit Airlines.

Last Week: 7-7
Season: 31-30-1

This week I'll be watching the game at whatever bar I can find that plays it. I'll be in sunny San Juan, Puerto Rico. Here's hoping they have futbol americano on the television. If you must know, Chrisco and I are going on a mancation together.

Your favorite something,

Davemurphy

PIF: NFL Week Four Predictions

Dear Gridiron Connoisseurs,

This is a very important week. Week Four always is. Week Four is when the byes start. Four teams will not play this week. Which is good, I was getting pretty damn sick of Dallas and their stinky face. And ugh, Minnesota and all that Brett Favre nonsense. And EVERYONE hates Tampa. Ugh. Kansas City I'll miss this week though. Today I took a personal bye, staying home from work with a bit of headache and nausea. It's the first sick day I've taken in eons. So of course, they were giving free baseball tickets at work. For tonight's game. And I'm sick. Whatever, I'll just pick some football games. Instead of going to a baseball game. For free. If you bet actual money based on these predictions, you will get a urinary tract infection. Here goes:

49ERS (0-3) at FALCONS (2-1)
Let's face it, the 9ers have to win this game. That's good enough for me.
49ERS 20, FALCONS 17


BENGALS (2-1) at BROWNS (0-3) ***OHIO BOWL PART ONE***
Everyone's favorite all-American state pits its practically-Kentucky, crime ridden, blighted southern city of Cincinnati against its Rust Belt, hollowed out, blighted northern city against each other. Neither team has ever won the Super Bowl, both teams have spent most of the last two decades in the basement of the league. Hell, Cleveland wasn't even in the league four of those years.
BENGALS 19, BROWNS 11


JETS (2-1) at BILLS (0-3)
God. Imagine you're one of my cousins in Buffalo. You're 0-3. Your quarterback went to Harvard, which is great if he's your lawyer, but they're not exactly a quarterback factory over there. You have three potential Super Bowl teams in your division. You have thirteen more Chan Gailey-coached games to look forward to, the end of which you will find yourself in the midst of the worst winter in the continental US. Oh, and you live in Buffalo.
JETS 24, BILLS 10


SEAHAWKS (2-1) at RAMS (1-2) ***WEEK FOUR MISERA-BOWL***
Even though he is coming off of his first win, #1 draft pick Sam Bradford is slowly realizing that not only does he play for the Rams, but he now lives in Saint Louis.
SEAHAWKS 27, RAMS 17


BRONCOS (1-2) at TITANS (2-1)
When your best player is Brandon Lloyd, you have a problem. When your third string quarterback is selling more jerseys than your starting quarterback, you have a problem. When your rushing game is weaker than the structural foundation of any building in Port-au-Prince, you have a problem. When you have these three problems, you're the Denver Broncos. And yes, I made a Haiti joke.
TITANS 37, BRONCOS 14


LIONS (0-3) at PACKERS (2-1) ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***
Detroit doesn't stand a chance. And they'll lose this football game, too.
PACKERS 51, LIONS 28


RAVENS (2-1) at STEELERS (3-0) 
These two teams hate each other. But the Ravens have the best pass defense in the league right now, and I'm pretty sure the Steelers are on like their seventh string at quarterback. In fact, I'm pretty sure my sister is their back up quarterback. This game will be won on the ground, my friends.
STEELERS 17, RAVENS 13


PANTHERS (1-2) at SAINTS (2-1)
I love it when these two teams play each other because across the bottom of the screen where they put the score, it says "NO CAR",
SAINTS 27, PANTHERS 17


COLTS (2-1) at JAGUARS (1-2)
It's buy one ticket get the rest of the section free week at EverBank Field. God, what an awful name for a stadium. Don't watch this game, Jacksonville is embarrassing.
COLTS 31, JAGUARS 19


TEXANS (2-1) at RAIDERS (1-2)
The Raiders are like the friend at the party that drinks too much but you have to invite him because he's part of the gang and then he throws up on the girl you're hitting on.
TEXANS 21, RAIDERS 10


REDSKINS (1-2) at EAGLES (2-1) ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
Donovan McNabb goes back to the city that threw him away like an empty can of Cambell's Chunky Soup (tm). If you're rooting for the Philadelphia Eagles this week, you're a douchebag. Or an Eagles fan. Not quite sure which is worse.
REDSKINS 21, EAGLES 14


CARDINALS (2-1) at CHARGERS (1-2)
Yup.
CHARGERS 24, CARDINALS 21


BEARS (3-0) at GIANTS (1-2) ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***
These are two of the oldest and most storied franchises in the NFL. Two of the most storied cities in America. And it will be played in the newest stadium in the league. A little anti-climactic, don't you think?
GIANTS 26, BEARS 21


PATRIOTS (2-1) at DOLPHINS (2-1)
Yours truly will actually be attending this game. This will be my first ever non-Redskins NFL game. I just couldn't turn down an opportunity to heckle Patriots fans from a safe environment.
DOLPHINS 27, PATRIOTS 20

Last Week: 7-8-1
Season: 24-23-1

This week I'll be spreading the Redskins love up the coast a little and I will not be at Mike's. Where are you watching the games this week? A townie bar? Your living room? The stadium? Your jail cell? Leave a comment and share! Best comment will be sent all of my Farmville gifts for the next week. Just kidding, I don't play Farmville, and I probably don't want to be Facebooks friends with the kind of person that reads a sports blog. Losers.

But seriously, hope you're watching with good people in a good place drinking good beer. It's a good week for football. See you Tuesday with the results.

Your Prognosticator Extraordinaire,

Davemurphy

PIF: Week Three Results

Hello again football fans,

Ah, here's my old friend. This fellow to my left has been watching over Politically Incorrect Football since 2005. Many ignorant rednecks who do not know any better might think this guy is an Arab Muslim, but in fact he is a Sikh of Indian descent. It's possible that by the time I die, there could be two BILLION Indians on earth. My goal is to recruit all of them to become Redskins fans, and this good man ought to be their role model.

I recovered a little bit this week, but ugh, what a tough week to watch. Fortunately, several friends were made at the sports pub this week, and commiseration ensued. Lots of commiseration. Here's how it went:

Prediction: GIANTS 35, TITANS 24

Result: TITANS 29, GIANTS 10

This was just a bad pick. I swear, I'm losing my touch in my old age. I apologize, football fans.

Prediction: BENGALS 20, PANTHERS 10

Result: BENGALS 20, PANTHERS 7

Nailed it. Jimmy Clausen, however, did not nail his debut.

Prediction: STEELERS 26, BUCCANEERS 3

Result: STEELERS 38, BUCCANEERS 13

Pittsburgh continues to scrape the bottom of the barrel for quarterbacks who can give the people of Pittsburgh something to cheer about from the bottom of their black lungs. The Buccaneers are as exposed like so many University of South Florida women paying their way through grad school.

Prediction: PATRIOTS 47, BILLS 10 ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

Result: PATRIOTS 38, BILLS 30

I watched this game with a Patriots fan. So he knew who Danny Woodhead was. He pointed him out to me. Danny Woodhead is from North Platte, NE. He is splitting time at running back for the Patriots. And he is white as the south side of a Russian's tan line. A white running back. Who starts. At running back. Named Woodhead.

Prediction: BROWNS 13, RAVENS 10

Result: RAVENS 24, BROWNS 17

I'm giving myself a tie for this one. I knew the Browns were going to lose. But what was heartwarming about this game was Browns RB Peyton Hillis, who ran for 144 and a TD. White guy. Not making that up. He is a white running back. Not a fullback, a running back. Ironically playing for the Browns.

Prediction: CHIEFS 21, 49ERS 17

Result: CHIEFS, 49ERS 10

The Chiefs are one of two undefeated teams left in the AFC. If you saw that coming you A) have a last name that rhymes with "schmostradamus", B) own a modified DeLorean, or C) are a homer from Kansas City. If you predicted them to beat the 49ers, you're almost as awesome as I am. And by awesome I mean lonely.

Prediction: TEXANS 42, COWBOYS 21

Result: COWBOYS 27, TEXANS 13

Screw it, I really don't feel like talking about Texas right now.

Prediction: LIONS 22, VIKINGS 18 ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***

Result: VIKINGS 24, LIONS 10

Tuning in to watch the Lions win a game is harder than trying to find a job with a successful start-up business in Detroit. 

Prediction: SAINTS 24, FALCONS 20 ***GAME OF THE WEEK***

Result: FALCONS 27, SAINTS 24 (OT)

Around halftime, some douchebag bandwagon Saints fan barges into the pub and complains that the Saints game isn't on any of the TVs. And of course, he kept screaming "WHO DAT" every time Drew Brees completed a one yard pass. Now, my dear fans, I rarely root against the Saints. And I never root for the Falcons. But this guy changed all that. Needless to say, when the Saints blocked the FG in overtime, we were chanting "Who dat call a time out to ice the kicker?"

Prediction: REDSKINS 31, RAMS 13

Result: RAMS 30, REDSKINS 16

Of the Rams' whopping seven wins in the last 3+ seasons, two of them are against the Redskins. That is your-mother-is-Courtney-Love embarrassing.

Prediction: EAGLES 23, JAGUARS 14

Result: EAGLES 28, JAGUARS 3

Was ANYONE at this game? Anyone? I've got a challenge for you. If you were at this game and you can prove it, I'll give you my car. Seriously.I'm not worried though, because NOBODY was at this game. And I don't actually own a car, but that's beside the point.

Prediction: COLTS 28, BRONCOS 7

Result: COLTS 27, BRONCOS 13

Nothing surprising here. Peyton Manning, three touchdowns. Move along.

Prediction: CARDINALS 20, RAIDERS 15 ***WEEK THREE MISERA-BOWL***

Result: CARDINALS 24, RAIDERS 23

If you watched this game, you'll never get those three hours of your life back. But chances are you live in Phoenix or Oakland, in which case the faster you can make the time fly byu towards sweet, sweet death, the better I suppose.

Prediction: CHARGERS 23, SEAHAWKS 14

Result: SEAHAWKS 27, CHARGERS 20

Pete Carroll is bringing a bit of life to the Pacific Northwest. Seahawks fans are coming out of the woodwork. And there's a lot of woods up there. I heard Sasquatch now owns a Lofa Tatupu jersey. But then I heard that Lofa Tatupu IS Sasquatch.

Prediction: DOLPHINS 19, JETS 17

Result: JETS 31, DOLPHINS 23

Jimmy and Joe flew from New York City down here to Miami to see the game. While at the bar, they bought several rounds of drinks for the two Patriots fans there with us. Their good karma was rewarded with an excellent game and a Jets win. If I teach you one thing, my dear football fans, it's that football fan karma does exist, and it's why the Philadelphia Eagles haven't won the Super Bowl.

Prediction: PACKERS 38, BEARS 35

Result: BEARS 20, PACKERS 17Another white guy at running back. And folks, when I decided to bring back Politically Incorrect Football this season, I promised myself I'd tone down the racial jokes. But come on... a white running back named Kuhn? Well, that joke writes itself.

Rookie of the Week: (tie) Patriots TE duo Aaron Hernandez and Rob Gronkowski are turning into Tom Brady's favorite targets.

Surprise Player of the Week: Three, count them, three white tailbacks are either starting or splitting time: Browns' Peyton Hillis, Patriots' Danny Woodhead, and Packers' John Kuhn.

Tough Guy of the Week: Titans LB Stephen Tulloch racked up 13 tackles in the win over the Giants

Terrell Owens Memorial Asshole of the Week: The jackasses at the pub who stole some of Chrisco's beer and then tried to eat my chicken wings. Come on, man, really?

Bust of the Week: Saints kicker Garret Hartley blows another short kick. His days are numbered.

Celebration of the Week: Saints Fan Guy who thought the Saints blocked an overtime field goal only to find that their coach had called a time out to ice the kicker.

Special Teams Player of the Week: Leon Washington of the Seahawks ran back two kickoffs for touchdowns that made the difference in their win over San Diego

Defensive of the Week: Chiefs' LB Tamba Hali had three sacks and two tackles for losses to help the Chiefs become one of only three undefeated teams left in the league.

Offensive of the Week: Colts WR Austin Collie caught 12 passes for 171 yards and two touchdowns

Stick a Fork In: the San Francisco 49ers 

This Week: 7-8-1

Last Week: 6-10

Season: 24-23-1

And on a somber note, all time NFL Great George Blanda, who played for four teams across four decades, 1949-1976, passed away Monday. Even Brett Favre won't reach pro-football longevity like that. He played with several men who weren't even born his rookie season, and he will be missed. He was 83. 

Next week is a big week with some serious rivalries, so make sure you check back Friday for the goods. Until then, have a good week, and happy football.

Your source for crappy football picks,

Davemurphy

PIF: NFL Week Three Predictions

Dear Football Aficionados,

What say you, football fans? Good season so far? If you answered yes, you're obviously not a Minnesota Vikings fan or Kevin Kolb. But I'd be inclined to agree with you. Something magical happens in the fall. And this being the first week of 2010 NFL football to be played in the fall, I think it will be a magical week. A magical week of football. When sayings like this come out of my mouth, I stop and ask myself why I am still single. Whatever, my week has been shitty enough, let's just get to the predictions. As always, make sure you do not use these picks as the basis for any actual wager involving cash money:

TITANS (1-1) at GIANTS (1-1)

Nashville may be the Paris of the South, but New York is the New York of the world. Unfortunately, Eli Manning isn't the Manning of the Mannings.

Prediction: GIANTS 35, TITANS 24

BENGALS (1-1) at PANTHERS (0-2)

The Cincinnati Bengals saw their quarterback get coddled against the Ravens last week. But the Panthers' QB is still waiting to get signed by the Panthers. Because they don't have a QB right now. Jimmy Clausen doesn't count.

Prediction: BENGALS 20, PANTHERS 10

STEELERS (2-0) at BUCCANEERS (2-0)

The Big-Benless Steelers against the Succaneers? And they're both undefeated? That means at the end of the day, one of them will STILL be undefeated. Next thing you'll tell me is that you know a girl from Tampa who is NOT a stripper!

Prediction: STEELERS 26, BUCCANEERS 3

BILLS (0-2) at PATRIOTS (1-1) ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

I'd love to think that last week's embarrassment at the hand of the Jets would send the Patriots into a downward spiral, but unfortunately said spiral is currently being blocked by the Buffalo Bills. Apparently this is the only thing they know how to block.

Prediction: PATRIOTS 47, BILLS 10

BROWNS (0-2) at RAVENS (1-1)

I don't care how unlikely it is, I will never pick the Ravens to beat the Browns out of solidarity with the hard working (by that I mean unemployed) people of Cleveland. Baltimore will win this game, but that's not how I'm predicting it, because I pick with my heart, not my head. Probably another reason why I'm still single.

Prediction: BROWNS 13, RAVENS 10

49ERS (0-2) at CHIEFS (2-0)

A lot of people thing SanFran's losing streak and KC's winning streak need to end at 2. I am not one of those people. 

Prediction: CHIEFS 21, 49ERS 17

COWBOYS (0-2) at TEXANS (2-0)

Ibid.

Prediction: TEXANS 42, COWBOYS 21

LIONS (0-2) at VIKINGS (0-2) ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***

The Lions have been close in both of their first two games so far. Luck just hasn't been on their side. Fortunately for them, age is no longer on Brett Favre's side.

Prediction: LIONS 22, VIKINGS 18

FALCONS (1-1) at SAINTS (2-0) ***GAME OF THE WEEK***

Man, remember when these two teams were as irrelevant as the public school systems in their respective cities? It's good they have their priorities straight in the South.

Prediction: SAINTS 24, FALCONS 20

REDSKINS (1-1) at RAMS (0-2)

Apart from #1 pick Sam Bradford at QB and veteran RB Steven Jackson, I have never heard of anyone on the offense of the Saint Louis Rams. I'm pretty sure they outsourced the offensive line to the WWE, and that some college exchange students are playing wide receiver. When your team's two losses are to the Cardinals and Raiders, you know you're in trouble.

Prediction: REDSKINS 31, RAMS 13

EAGLES (1-1) at JAGUARS (1-1)

An estimated 609 people are expected to show up to see this game. The other 34 people in Jacksonville are in Los Angeles seeing if they want to follow their football team out there when they move.

Prediction: EAGLES 23, JAGUARS 14

COLTS (1-1) at BRONCOS (1-1)

Horsies lol

Prediction: COLTS 28, BRONCOS 7

RAIDERS (1-1) at CARDINALS (1-1) ***WEEK THREE MISERA-BOWL***

These teams have a combined 0 wins against teams that aren't the Saint Louis Rams. And what could possibly be a more miserable setting for a Misera-Bowl than Phoenix? If the Sinaloa Cartel doesn't kidnap you, you can get completely sunburnt watching your team crank out another really ugly victory.

Prediction: CARDINALS 20, RAIDERS 15

CHARGERS (1-1) at SEAHAWKS (1-1)

This West Coast battle of who's-for-real will end with one of these two teams making a statement. And this is a good week for San Diego, as other people have already been making statements on behalf of Southern Californians.

Prediction: CHARGERS 23, SEAHAWKS 14

JETS (1-1) at DOLPHINS (2-0)

The morning show I listen to here in Miami is corresponding with a Russian woman who they believe is setting them up for a scam. Instead of using their own pictures, however, they are posing as Jets coach Rex Ryan. If that doesn't make you root for the Dolphins, well, you're just not as much of a fan of insult humor as I am.

Prediction: DOLPHINS 19, JETS 17

PACKERS (2-0) at BEARS (2-0) ***MNF***

Bratwurst. Obesity. Unemployment. Cheap American Beer. Unbearably shitty weather. And Packers vs. Bears. Two of the oldest teams in the NFL, and they're both undefeated. The Lake Michigan Bowl is on Monday Night.

PACKERS 38, BEARS 35

Last Week: 6-10
Season: 17-15

Once again I'll be watching my football at Mike's in the Venetian, harassing Natalie, our fine barkeep. This week I will be reunited with Chrisco, aka Baby Junior, and we will be eating unhealthy food and arguing with other wayward fans miles from their home team. To all of you watching football in your home town this week, be kind to those out of towners that are taking up refuge in your local watering holes to watch their games. They too are kindly people with good souls. Unless they're Cowboys fans. Have a good football week, my friends.

Your Prognosticator,

Davemurphy

PIF: NFL Week Two Predictions

Hello Again, football fans! I don't know what it is about fall in the air that makes Politically Incorrect Football work so well. In the last 24 hours, I have been accused of being a raging sexist, and racist against Muslims (which, I have to point out, is a religion, not a race). I was also called a socialist hippie and a tree hugger in two separate incidents this week. But I have decided to get back to my roots and use my disparaging comments to talk about football.

BILLS (0-1) AT PACKERS (1-0)
This is game is pure Great Lakes: fat people in danger of losing their jobs.
PACKERS 31, BILLS 7

DOLPHINS (1-0) AT VIKINGS (0-1)
I like to picture Brett Favre's hair never having gone gray. Instead, I picture him going bald. Can't you just see him with a nasty comb-over?
VIKINGS 20, DOLPHINS 13

CHIEFS (1-0) AT BROWNS (0-1)
These are traditionally my two favorite AFC teams. But Kansas City appears to be on a roll, and the Browns just lost to a team that can't even beat themselves.
CHIEFS 42, BROWNS 20

BEARS (1-0) AT COWBOYS (0-1)
The Bears robbed the Lions of a win last week because of an unusual rule. The Cowboys lost to the Redskins on a very untimely penalty at the end of the game. Karma would dictate that this one would have to go to Dallas, except for the fact that Dallas is full of evil, soulless villians.
BEARS 17, COWBOYS 16

CARDINALS (1-0) AT FALCONS (0-1)
Birds! Lol.
CARDINALS 23, FALCONS 17

BUCCANEERS (1-0) AT PANTHERS (0-1)
Who the hell is the quarterback for these two teams? There are six quarterbacks between these two teams, and I think I've thrown more raging parties than they've thrown NFL passes. (It's funny because I'm not popular and I don't throw many parties)
PANTHERS 30, BUCCANEERS 13

EAGLES (0-1) AT LIONS (0-1) ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***
Michael Vick is starting at quarterback for the Eagles to showcase the skills he picked up in prison.
LIONS 23, EAGLES 14

RAVENS (1-0) AT BENGALS (0-1)
It's a good thing the Ravens are playing in Cincinnati. You never know when a building in Maryland is going to get taken hostage by a crazed gunman. In Cincinnati, all you have to worry about are two year olds smoking pot. Even toddlers are finding ways to deal with the Bengals losing ways.
RAVENS 31, BENGALS 13

STEELERS (1-0) AT TITANS (1-0)
Chris Johnson has a goal to gain 2,500 yards this season. What is he running from?
TITANS 21, STEELERS 17

SEAHAWKS (1-0) AT BRONCOS (0-1) ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***
Pete Carroll might mistake the Denver Broncos for Fresno State University and accidentally score 80 points against them in an effort to improve the Seahawks' BCS bid.
SEAHAWKS 34, BRONCOS 0

RAMS (0-1) AT RAIDERS (0-1) ***WEEK TWO MISERA-BOWL***
The two teams that used to be in Los Angeles have a combined 20-76 over the last three seasons. If there is a way both of them can lose, I'm sure they'll find it. I guess they could both move back to LA. That would do it.
RAMS 26, RAIDERS 18

TEXANS (1-0) AT REDSKINS (1-0)
Normally, when Texans come to Washington, the middle class gets screwed and wars are undertaken but never officially declared by Congress. And excessively fat people stand on the left side of Metro escalators and then stop at the end of the platform making it difficult for other people to exit the escalator. Texans are annoying.
REDSKINS 24, TEXANS 20

PATRIOTS (1-0) AT JETS (0-1)
Tom Brady accidentally walked into the Jets' locker room, and because of his soft, flowing hair, he was mistaken for a perky Mexican model/reporter. DE Shaun Ellis and LB Bart Scott admitted to say that they wanted to "sack" Brady, presumably some raunchy sex act akin to the retrograde wheelbarrow.
JETS 27, PATRIOTS 21

GIANTS (1-0) AT COLTS (0-1) ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
The other Manning brother, Cooper, suffered a neck injury in high school. He has since been put out to stud. He will not be watching his two Super Bowl MVP brothers Eli and Peyton match up against each other on Sunday night because he will be busy procreating with 14 different women. That Manning seed is in high demand.
GIANTS 27, COLTS 24

SAINTS (1-0) AT 49ERS (0-1) ***MNF***
I have a feeling Mike Singletary will be thanking another team for whipping the 49ers ass. I think it would be entertaining if the Saints dropped 49 points on the 49ers. I love it when things match.
SAINTS 49, 49ERS 21

Last Week: 11-5
Season: 11-5

Let's keep it rolling, football fans. Grab an refreshing appletini, settle in with a nice plate of tofu squares, and find your most fashionable snuggie, because you're way too much of a wuss to handle the awesomeness that will be Week Two.

See you Tuesday with the results.

PIF: Week One Results

For the uninitiated, here's how it works... Green is a pick I nailed, red is a pick I blew. As an added bonus, the weekly awards are at the bottom. Hope everyone's first NFL week of 2010 was as awesome as mine.

Prediction: SAINTS 38, VIKINGS 17 ***THURSDAY NIGHT OPENER***
Result: SAINTS 14, VIKINGS 9
Kind of an underwhelming way to start the season.

Prediction: BROWNS 19, BUCCANEERS 13 ***WEEK ONE MISERA-BOWL***
Result: BUCCANEERS 17, BROWNS 14
I didn't call the winner, but let's be honest. There are no winners in this game.

Prediction: DOLPHINS 30, BILLS 20

Result: DOLPHINS 15, BILLS 10
I'm kind of impressed that the final score was exactly half of what I prognosticated.

Prediction: PATRIOTS 24, BENGALS 21
Result: PATRIOTS 38, BENGALS 24
Tom Brady is so hot.

Prediction: TEXANS 34, COLTS 30 ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
Result: TEXANS 34, COLTS 24
Ooooh, called this one, didn't I? Houston makes a statement.

Prediction: JAGUARS 29, BRONCOS 13

Result: JAGUARS 24, BRONCOS 17
I don't know anyone who cared about this game.

Prediction: FALCONS 20, STEELERS 13
Result: STEELERS 15, FALCONS 9 (OT)
Mendenhall's overtime TD FTW.

Prediction: TITANS 28, RAIDERS 27

Result: TITANS 38, RAIDERS 13
It's going to be another long year of Raider football and Al Davis not dying.

Prediction: GIANTS 31, PANTHERS 15
Result: GIANTS 31, PANTHERS 18

I was only off by a FG in this one. 

Prediction: BEARS 23, LIONS 20

Result: BEARS 19, LIONS 14 
Calvin Johnson was robbed because of a pretty strange ruling. Fortunately, Lions are used to losing.

Prediction: CARDINALS 38, RAMS 16

Result: CARDINALS 17, RAMS 13
Not a bad debut for Sam Bradford.

Prediction: PACKERS 44, EAGLES 3 ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

Result: PACKERS 27, EAGLES 20

If Kolb hadn't gotten injured, I would have had my blowout.

Prediction: 49ERS 31, SEAHAWKS 24

Result: SEAHAWKS 31, 49ERS 6

Coach Singletary thanked the Seahawks for kicking his team's ass. He's the General Patton of football.

Prediction: REDSKINS 31, COWBOYS 30 ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***

Result: REDSKINS13, COWBOYS 7

What a horribly ugly game. 

Prediction: JETS 19, RAVENS 15 ***MNF PART ONE***

Result: RAVENS 10, JETS 9

To quote Jet's coach Rex Ryan, "@#$% the ?&@$%! taco @#$!& %#@? fuck!"

Prediction: CHARGERS 41, CHIEFS 24 ***MNF PART TWO***

Result: CHIEFS 21, CHARGERS 14
This game ended sometime early Wednesday afternoon. Seriously, NFL, what the hell? a 10pm start?

WEEK ONE AWARDS

Rookie of the Week: Rams rookie QB Sam Bradford put up a good fight

Surprise Player of the Week: Where the hell did Texans RB Arian Foster come from with 230 yards rushing and three TD's?

Tough Guy of the Week: Coach Singletary, for thanking the Seahawks for whooping his 49ers. I wouldn't want to be on his practice field this week.

Terrell Owens Memorial Asshole of the Week: In a press conference after the game, Patriots WR Randy Moss announced he would be leaving New England at the end of the season.

Bust of the Week: (tie) The Dallas Cowboys offensive line blew every chance the Redskins gave them to win. Also, Eagles QB Kevin Kolb was to be the anointed one, except he suffered a concussion and probably lost his job to Michael "Ron Mexico" Vick. That's right, I didn't forget about the herpes, dog killer.

Celebration of the Week: Every Cowboys fan who, for a brief moment, thought they won the game.

Special Teams Player of the Week: Packers K Mason Crosby set a Packers record (which is hard to do, Brett Favre has most of them) with a 56 yard FG against Philadelphia.

Defensive Player of the Week: Redskins CB DeAngelo Hall scored the difference-making touchdown on a fumble recovery as the first half expired vs. Dallas.

Offensive Player of the Week: Even though they lost, Peyton Manning went 40 of 57 for 433 yards, 3 TD and no picks.

This Week: 11-5

See you later this week when I prognosticate Week Two.