PIF: Week Five Results

Dear Football Fans,

I am officially teetotaling for the rest of the season. Why, you might ask? Because my beloved Redskins are 3-0 when I abstain from confidence juice, 0-2 when I imbibe during the game. Yes, while vacationing in Puerto Rico, I watched professional football at a bar and did not drink a drop during the game. Yes, my last name is still Murphy. So for the record, here's what happened while I was on siesta:

Prediction: BILLS 24, JAGUARS 21 ***WEEK FIVE MISERA-BOWL***

Result: JAGUARS 36, BILLS 26

Its a matter of time before these teams are the Los Angeles Jaguars and the Toronto Bills. A matter of time.

Prediction: RAVENS 17, BRONCOS 10

Result: RAVENS 31, BRONCOS 17

I really want to like the Ravens. They're right up the street from DC, they play good old fashioned hard nosed football, and they are fun to watch. But the fans are such colossal rejects that I perish the thought of donning purple camouflage pants and sitting under a freeway overpass to tailgate a game.

Prediction: CHIEFS 31, COLTS 24 ***GAME OF THE WEEK***

Result: COLTS 19, CHIEFS 9

Fans, I have to apologize. This was in no way a game of the week. This game sucked worse than the Indianapolis night life. During football offseason.

Prediction: REDSKINS 24, PACKERS 23

Result: REDSKINS 16, PACKERS 13 (OT)

See what happens when you don't drink? Your team beats a team they haven't beaten in 22 years. This is the fourth game in five that the Redskins have seen decided on the very last play. Because they hate their fans and they want them all to die of coronaries.

Prediction: LIONS 31, RAMS 24

Result: LIONS 44, RAMS 6

Holy urban blight! You never get the expected when the two worst teams in the two worst cities in America face off. As I write this sentence, 200 more people are moving out of each of these cities.

Prediction: BEARS 20, PANTHERS 7

Result: BEARS 23, PANTHERS 6

I love it when I just nail one of these. See that? That is a work of art. I pulled that prediction out of my ass while sitting in the Fort Lauderdale Airport. Top that.

Prediction: BENGALS 40, BUCCANEERS 10 ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***

Result: BUCCANEERS 24, BENGALS 21

Hey, what do you want? I picked these games while sitting in the Fort Lauderdale Airport.

Prediction: BROWNS 16, FALCONS 13

Result: FALCONS 20, BROWNS 10

This has nothing to do with this game, but Toyota Truck commercials sound like they are narrated by John Goodman's creepy uncle. It's 2010, gas is 4 bucks a gallon. Nobody drives trucks anymore except for new money rednecks. Quit marketing them like they're some proletariat's tool. Nobody uses them to haul lumber or tow loads of rocks, they use them to compensate for their numerous shortcomings as human beings or tailgate. John Goodman's creepy uncle isn't going to make me want to purchase one.

Prediction: TEXANS 24, GIANTS 20

Result: GIANTS 34, TEXANS 10

Hakeem Nicks had a career day catching 12 passes for 130 yards and 2 TDs. It was pretty bad ass.

Prediction: SAINTS 38, CARDINALS 29

Result: CARDINALS 30, SAINTS 20

The Cards pulled this one off without scoring a single touchdown on offense. Three defensive touchdowns. I hope QB Max Hall, who made his first ever start, bought everyone on his defense a steak and lobster meal after this one.

Prediction: TITANS 21, COWBOYS 9

Result: TITANS 34, COWBOYS 27

People are still buzzing about the Cowboys. They're 1-3. Every other team in their traditionally difficult division is 3-2. Tony Romo is poisoning that team with his goofy little Polish-Mexican smile. He's a gimmick and he will die alone, unloved.

Prediction: CHARGERS 30, RAIDERS 19

Result: RAIDERS 35, CHARGERS 27

The Raiders had 9 points on blocked punts alone, which proved to be the margin of victory. Jason Campbell relieved Bruce Gradkowski after he went 1 of 7 passing. Getting yanked for Jason Campbell is like getting dumped for a civil war reenactor: it's embarrassing, and it's only done by someone who has completely given up on their future.

Prediction: 49ERS 23, EAGLES 13

Result: EAGLES 27, 49ERS 24

49ers owner Jed York declared that San Francisco will win the NFC West despite starting the season 0-5. No pressure, though. You're the only team in your division that hasn't made the Super Bowl in the last 10 years, and you're one of only two teams in the NFC that is still winless. 

Prediction: JETS 21, VIKINGS 19 ***MNF***

Result: JETS 29, VIKINGS 20

You know, two Prime Time games being delayed on a count of rain is just not football-like. Maybe they should have put a lid on that monstrosity in New Jersey so those whiny Jets fans won't have to bitch about standing in the rain.

WEEKLY AWARDS

Rookie of the Week: Bucs WR Mike Williams caught 7 for 99 and a touchdown in Tampa's win

Surprise Player of the Week: Lions QB Shaun Hill throwing for 227 yards and three TDs with no interceptions led the Lions to their first victory in ten games

Tough Guy of the Week: Redskins S LaRon Landry
Terrell Owens Memorial Asshole of the Week: Brett Favre for this ridiculous sexual harassment scandal

Bust of the Week: Cardinals RB Beanie Wells had 20 carries for a paltry 35 yards

Celebration of the Week: Marc Colombo falling down during a football dance, which cost his team 15 yards because touchdown dances can't involve players being on the ground.

Special Teams Player of the Week: Raiders RB Rock Cartwright blocked a punt for a safety against the Chargers

Defensive Player of the Week: The entire Arizona Cardinals defense, which facilitated beating the Saints without the offense scoring a touchdown

Offensive Player of the Week: Chicago RB Matt Forte had 166 yards and two touchdowns to lead the Bears to victory over Carolina

Stick a Fork In: The San Francisco 49ers, again; Bruce Gradkowski; The entire city of Dallas

This Week: 6-8

Last Week: 7-7
Season: 37-38-1

So sorry I took a week off, it needed to happen. If I can't relax and enjoy myself once in a while, well, I shouldn't be doing Politically Incorrect Football anymore, should I? I probably shouldn't be anyway. I've seen more people take interest in slam poetry competitions in Mississippi. But whatever. You keep losing money betting on my picks, I'll keep making horrible predictions. See you Thursday for the predictions.

Your pal,

~~~Davemurphy