PIF: NFL Week Four Predictions

Dear Gridiron Connoisseurs,

This is a very important week. Week Four always is. Week Four is when the byes start. Four teams will not play this week. Which is good, I was getting pretty damn sick of Dallas and their stinky face. And ugh, Minnesota and all that Brett Favre nonsense. And EVERYONE hates Tampa. Ugh. Kansas City I'll miss this week though. Today I took a personal bye, staying home from work with a bit of headache and nausea. It's the first sick day I've taken in eons. So of course, they were giving free baseball tickets at work. For tonight's game. And I'm sick. Whatever, I'll just pick some football games. Instead of going to a baseball game. For free. If you bet actual money based on these predictions, you will get a urinary tract infection. Here goes:

49ERS (0-3) at FALCONS (2-1)
Let's face it, the 9ers have to win this game. That's good enough for me.
49ERS 20, FALCONS 17


BENGALS (2-1) at BROWNS (0-3) ***OHIO BOWL PART ONE***
Everyone's favorite all-American state pits its practically-Kentucky, crime ridden, blighted southern city of Cincinnati against its Rust Belt, hollowed out, blighted northern city against each other. Neither team has ever won the Super Bowl, both teams have spent most of the last two decades in the basement of the league. Hell, Cleveland wasn't even in the league four of those years.
BENGALS 19, BROWNS 11


JETS (2-1) at BILLS (0-3)
God. Imagine you're one of my cousins in Buffalo. You're 0-3. Your quarterback went to Harvard, which is great if he's your lawyer, but they're not exactly a quarterback factory over there. You have three potential Super Bowl teams in your division. You have thirteen more Chan Gailey-coached games to look forward to, the end of which you will find yourself in the midst of the worst winter in the continental US. Oh, and you live in Buffalo.
JETS 24, BILLS 10


SEAHAWKS (2-1) at RAMS (1-2) ***WEEK FOUR MISERA-BOWL***
Even though he is coming off of his first win, #1 draft pick Sam Bradford is slowly realizing that not only does he play for the Rams, but he now lives in Saint Louis.
SEAHAWKS 27, RAMS 17


BRONCOS (1-2) at TITANS (2-1)
When your best player is Brandon Lloyd, you have a problem. When your third string quarterback is selling more jerseys than your starting quarterback, you have a problem. When your rushing game is weaker than the structural foundation of any building in Port-au-Prince, you have a problem. When you have these three problems, you're the Denver Broncos. And yes, I made a Haiti joke.
TITANS 37, BRONCOS 14


LIONS (0-3) at PACKERS (2-1) ***BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK***
Detroit doesn't stand a chance. And they'll lose this football game, too.
PACKERS 51, LIONS 28


RAVENS (2-1) at STEELERS (3-0) 
These two teams hate each other. But the Ravens have the best pass defense in the league right now, and I'm pretty sure the Steelers are on like their seventh string at quarterback. In fact, I'm pretty sure my sister is their back up quarterback. This game will be won on the ground, my friends.
STEELERS 17, RAVENS 13


PANTHERS (1-2) at SAINTS (2-1)
I love it when these two teams play each other because across the bottom of the screen where they put the score, it says "NO CAR",
SAINTS 27, PANTHERS 17


COLTS (2-1) at JAGUARS (1-2)
It's buy one ticket get the rest of the section free week at EverBank Field. God, what an awful name for a stadium. Don't watch this game, Jacksonville is embarrassing.
COLTS 31, JAGUARS 19


TEXANS (2-1) at RAIDERS (1-2)
The Raiders are like the friend at the party that drinks too much but you have to invite him because he's part of the gang and then he throws up on the girl you're hitting on.
TEXANS 21, RAIDERS 10


REDSKINS (1-2) at EAGLES (2-1) ***GAME OF THE WEEK***
Donovan McNabb goes back to the city that threw him away like an empty can of Cambell's Chunky Soup (tm). If you're rooting for the Philadelphia Eagles this week, you're a douchebag. Or an Eagles fan. Not quite sure which is worse.
REDSKINS 21, EAGLES 14


CARDINALS (2-1) at CHARGERS (1-2)
Yup.
CHARGERS 24, CARDINALS 21


BEARS (3-0) at GIANTS (1-2) ***UPSET OF THE WEEK***
These are two of the oldest and most storied franchises in the NFL. Two of the most storied cities in America. And it will be played in the newest stadium in the league. A little anti-climactic, don't you think?
GIANTS 26, BEARS 21


PATRIOTS (2-1) at DOLPHINS (2-1)
Yours truly will actually be attending this game. This will be my first ever non-Redskins NFL game. I just couldn't turn down an opportunity to heckle Patriots fans from a safe environment.
DOLPHINS 27, PATRIOTS 20

Last Week: 7-8-1
Season: 24-23-1

This week I'll be spreading the Redskins love up the coast a little and I will not be at Mike's. Where are you watching the games this week? A townie bar? Your living room? The stadium? Your jail cell? Leave a comment and share! Best comment will be sent all of my Farmville gifts for the next week. Just kidding, I don't play Farmville, and I probably don't want to be Facebooks friends with the kind of person that reads a sports blog. Losers.

But seriously, hope you're watching with good people in a good place drinking good beer. It's a good week for football. See you Tuesday with the results.

Your Prognosticator Extraordinaire,

Davemurphy