Dear football fans far and wide,
Yes, the 2010 NFL Season is upon us. Seven new players have been inducted into the Hall of Fame, the preseason has kicked off with a meaningless contest between the Bengals and the Cowboys, and Terrell Owens has found a new way to whore himself out to the media. This means that it's time for the annual predictions. Lord knows I don't want to wait to see how the preseason plays out, lest there be more reason to declare any of my biased and uninformed predictions utter bullshit.
So here and now, brought to you by JB Sports Chat, Davemurphy's Politically Incorrect Football 2010 NFL predictions. I strongly recommend against using these predictions as the basis for any cash wager of any sort.
THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE
NFC EAST
Washington Redskins (10-6)
Okay, everyone knows I'm a shameless Redskins fan. But the arrival of what I've dubbed "the Irish trio" George Allen, Mike Shanahan, and Donovan McNabb, ought to shake up the NFC a bit this year.
New York Giants (9-7)
There are enough African names on the Giants' defense for it to be colonized by Belgium.
Dallas Cowboys (8-8)
There is nothing I hate more in sports than Tony Romo. Nothing at all.
Philadelphia Eagles (5-11)
Hey, remember when we ditched our future Hall of Fame quarterback for some unproven youngster and a guy best known for murdering dogs? Don't think that's gonna work out for you.
NFC NORTH
Green Bay Packers (11-5)
Despite a soft defense, I really think the Packers will overcome the utter banality of being in Wisconsin in the winter.
Chicago Bears (7-9)
This team rests entirely on Jay Cutler. This is basically like resting the future of the Republican party on Sarah Palin. Everyone knows it won't work except the people who really need to know it.
Minnesota Vikings (7-9)
Favre Shmavre. This team will have the bottom fall out from under them unless they unleash their sleeping giant... Iowa farm Jew Sage Rosenfels. He is the future.
Detroit Lions (6-10)
The only NFC team never to make the Super Bowl will slightly improve on their 2-30 record over the last two seasons. Their win total is the only thing in town lower than their employment rate.
NFC SOUTH
New Orleans Saints (12-4)
Hurricanes, oil spills, crime spikes, depopulation, rising water levels... this city's entire future is currently hanging on the good fortune of Drew Brees and the Saints.
Atlanta Falcons (9-7)
QB Matt Ryan is coming into his own. If he doesn't get lost in Atlanta's 28-county maze of suburbs, he might get them into the win column a few times.
Carolina Panthers (5-11)
Oh, man this team is going to be bad. They lost their defense in the offseason, and they're going to be quarterbacked by some new kid from accounting.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-13)
Losing is just the culture when you're a Tampa Bay Buccaneer. It's just what they do. Affirmative action head coach Raheem Morris won't last the season.
NFC WEST
Arizona Cardinals (13-3)
Matt Leinert will pick up where Kurt Warner left off. He's going to marry his androgynous high school sweetheart and have 8 kids.
San Francisco 49ers (11-5)
Throwback coach Mike Singletary is slowly whipping the team into shape. Just PLEASE don't pull your pants down this year.
Seattle Seahawks (7-9)
USC Powerhouse coach Pete Carroll comes into the NFL to destroy his coaching legacy. Seattle has only ever been good when the entire rest of their division was downright awful
St. Louis Rams (6-10)
Speaking of downright awful, Saint Louis has won six games in the last three years. Any improvement is welcome in Saint Louis.
AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE
AFC EAST
New York Jets (12-4)
I love Matt Sanchez. No gay. But I kind of want to spoon with him.
Miami Dolphins (8-8)
I'll be in Miami for the first half of the season, so expect three months worth of insults about what an awful city it is down there.
New England Patriots (8-8)
There's a lot of aging talent on this team. They're still good, but I have a feeling reality will check in, like when you finally realize that you're the oldest guy at the club.
Buffalo Bills (1-15)
Man, what a depressing state of affairs. CJ Spiller is supposed to be the future of the team. But wouldn't it have been so much funnier if he had gone to New Orleans? Those jokes just write themselves.
AFC NORTH
Baltimore Ravens (11-5)
The Ravens finally have a pair of wide receivers for QB Joe Flacco. The postseason will be rife with purple camouflage and people mispronouncing the letter "O".
Cleveland Browns (9-7)
This is an absolutely awful prediction. But I have a lot of faith in GM Mike Holmgren. His amorphous gut and midwestern chic walrus 'stache assure that he is a fish in water in Cleveland. A fat, ugly fish in very polluted Lake Erie water.
Pittsburgh Steelers (9-7)
This is just a bad prediction. Don't pay any attention to it. The Steelers are going to be better than this in 2010. I'm really not very good at this.
Cincinnati Bengals (6-10)
After the preseason game, a reporter asked Terrell Owens, with him and Chad Ochocinco vying for attention in the passing game, "if there would be enough balls to go around". Have you seen their end zone dances? I don't think there's a shortage of balls on this team.
AFC SOUTH
Houston Texans (10-6)
They get just a little better every year. I mean, except for the East Texas part.
Indianapolis Colts (10-6)
The curse of the Super Bowl loser will take a bite out of the 2010 Colts. But I'm sure Peyton Manning will find a way to work that into a commercial for whatever awful product he's hawking.
Tennessee Titans (10-6)
After starting 0-6 last year, the team won 8 of 10 to finish the season with an even record. Way more even than the team's criminal record.
Jacksonville Jaguars (3-13)
Why does Jacksonville have a football team when places like Los Angeles, Portland, San Antonio, San Jose, Mobile, AL, Laramie, WY, Fargo, ND, and Putney, VT don't?
AFC WEST
San Diego Chargers (14-2)
Let's face it, winning this division will be easier than a depressed sorority girl.
Kansas City Chiefs (8-8)
RB Jamaal Charles is going to lead the league in rushing. And you don't even know who he is.
Denver Broncos (5-11)
There are already injuries plaguing this team, and I'm pretty sure that with the time difference it's still only May in Colorado.
Oakland Raiders (3-13)
They'll be awful, but watch them because owner Al Davis' senility is getting to be very entertaining.
POSTSEASON PREDICTIONS
WILD CARDS: New York Giants, San Francisco 49ers, Indianapolis Colts, Tennessee Titans
AFC Championship: Chargers over Ravens
NFC Championship: Cardinals over Saints
Super Bowl: Cardinals over Chargers
I'm continuing my streak of saying the Cardinals will win the Super Bowl. Four short weeks before the NFL starts proving me wrong and Joe Buck's awful on air ass kissing lowers my sperm count. Yes, in just about a month, you can stop pretending you care about soccer and baseball and get back to what really keeps the sports world ticking.
Until next time, don't bet on my picks and enjoy the return of America's past time. And by that I mean getting drunk and cursing fans of your rival team while you're at the bar.
Your prognosticating genius,
Davemurphy
